First meal out with son’s wife’s parents and they let us pick up the whole bill.

[50sandFabulous]

What would you make of this? Son got married recently. Obviously, we have met his parents. However, we have never been out with them before.

The other day we met for lunch, there were six of us there in total. I had said to my husband that we should pay for the whole thing just as a nice gesture.

We went up to the bar at some point and paid for the whole tab. No one knew that we had done this.

When it was time to leave, everybody just left the restaurant and absolutely nobody queried about the bill. Is this not a bit mad?

So basically, we have paid for everybody (which we were always going to do), but there has been no acknowledgement from anybody about the fact that the bill has been paid and absolutely no thank you. I just find this really really weird!

I was expecting somebody to say, oh we need to get the bill, and then I would have said don’t worry it’s covered, but that did not happen!

Are you serious? Everyone notices and remembers who thanks them and who didn't.............

I get your point, but it also extends to not saying thanks in general when we take them out.

It's the lack of acknowledgement of any of it odd, not even a "that's fortunate". Which is odd, given they talk about their daughter's in laws and how much that family is contributing to their lifestyle. And how great it is etc.

Why would your inlaws thank your parents for paying for your wedding, your house deposit and your fertility treatments?

Your inlaws aren't benefiting from these things - you are

Their son also benefits from it!

They have a daughter marrying into money and this is celebrated regularly as fortunate, how much they have contributed, how lucky it is, how grateful they are etc. Its the contrast I find odd. Didn't explain it well.

Why would your inlaws thank your parents for paying for your wedding, your house deposit and your fertility treatments?

Your inlaws aren't benefiting from these things - you are

Whereas these rude people were directly benefiting from a meal they chose, drinks they chose and didnt even say thank you

Their son also benefits from it! We've had to go private for IVF due to severe MFI.

This also extends to them not thanking when we take them out. I wonder if there is a wealth disparity tension in ops situation.

They have a daughter marrying into money and this is celebrated regularly as fortunate, how much they have contributed, how lucky it is, how grateful they are etc. Its the contrast I find odd. Didn't explain it well.

They can acknowledge that it's fortunate without having to thank your family. There is no direct correlation. It's not something that they are benefiting from, it's not a gift to them. I don't thank my sister's MIL for babysitting my nieces. I think it's a lovely thing she does but it's nothing to do with me.

So?

Why should they thank your parents on their son's behalf then?

He is an adult and can say thanks for what HE is benefiting from

I get your point, but it also extends to not saying thanks in general when we take them out.

Fair enough, I think it would be inappropriate for them to thank you parents, but they absolutely should be thanking you for kindness extended to them.

I wonder if they talk about your family in the same way they are talking about their daughters future in laws, just never to your face? I've had experience of that sort of thing in my own family when met with relatives more affluent, acknowledging it to their face in any way is acknowledge that they aren't as well off by comparison, so they would rather not give you the "satisfaction" of acknowledging it in front of you. But those same people would have absolutely no issue bragging about it to other people as if it is their own personal achievement.. either that or they are bragging to you on purpose as some sort of weird competition between you and their daughter.

One thing is for sure, some people get REALLY weird around money.

Have you mentioned to son ? He’s an ungrateful sod if didn’t say thanks or offer to pay

It was bloody rude of them. They should have thanked you. Profusely.

Beyond rude. I'd be tempted to say something to your son tbh

It could have been a misunderstanding, an awkward situation, anything. Yes, it appears rude. But, trying to get a dig in some how, or OP telling her son his in-laws didn't even say Thank you, is worse. The best thing to do is forget it. There's a lifetime of association ahead. Next time split the bill if it makes you feel better.

“Profusely”? 😅

Thank you, yes, which they probably did when the son said it was paid for. It’s just a dinner

Maybe the restaurant took payments from both of you and now they’re wondering why you never thanked them

Someone up thread wondered same.... Can you imagine?!

I agree.

It is bad form to let whatever feelings of awkwardness might be involved overwhelm your manners to the point you can't say a simple thank you when someone has paid for you, but I think for the OP to then make a point of it is just as bad.

Telling other people they have bad manners is bad manners too - unless they come and ask on MN!

This says more about you than the OP?

How weird of them, unless they are so rich that someone else always takes care of it for them

They probably say this behind your back!

I always hear lots about my nieces and nephews and their amazing exploits but am reliably informed my dc are world champions in every regard the minute I'm not in the room!

Other than it being down to difference in income, could it not also be a difference in attitude. It's been raised that they are tight for not paying towards the wedding/their DDs dress but maybe there had been a discussion the OP isn't aware of surrounding the wedding and costs.
As mentioned, they have other children so maybe the said beforehand that they couldn't contribute or were only able to pay a minimal amount. Maybe DD moaned about this and her partner then said it's ok, I'll help and then went to the bank of mum and dad who stepped in. Maybe the in laws encourage more independence and only budgeting for what they can afford (maybe as they have to do so). Maybe they feel annoyed at the OP for always wanting to splash the cash and not allow the couple to learn to spend within their means.

So has their son, i.e. your husband, personally thanked your parents for all the financial help that they have given?

OP's son's in-laws should have thanked her for the meal as they benefitted directly from her generosity.

If you paid in secret, then maybe they thought you didn't want a big fuss. If you wanted acknowledgement, then you should have been more open about it.

Good grief, the knots people will tie themselves into to try to justify a complete lack of basic manners.

OP, what did they say when you parted outside? I asked this upthread as that will show whether they knew/had any manners/took it for granted. Where are you?

My mother used to do things like this but it was like a sneaky trick of one-upmanship. Not consciously but someone it was a triumph to ‘win’ and pay the bill.
I think that in a case like this, it is far more elegant and kind to say something like ‘please allow us to get this today; it's been so lovely to see you all.’ And then people do have an opportunity to say ‘oh how very kind, thank you’ and then nobody feels like they’ve been powerplayed - it feels like a gesture of love not dominance.

I would feel manipulated if someone had done a sneaky pay without saying anything. I would always say thank you but it would take the joy out of the whole thing.