Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

We don’t expect anyone to reciprocate. We pay for milestone birthday celebrations because we want to. It really is as simple as that.

I think this is right in our family too. Throwing a party at a village hall etc, it's expected the host pays for everything, but quite often we just say we're going out for a meal and we split the bill.
I remember when it was my 30th, I asked if people wanted to come for a meal. Mostly my same-age friends who are used to paying their share when we go out. But my parents and aunt & uncle came, and uncle made a big deal out of how he thought I was paying for everything. The discussion about it was that maybe it was a generational thing.
I was probably earning £10k back then, no way I could have afforded it. When uncle died a few years ago, my 5% inheritance of his estate paid off my remaining 15 years of mortgage - his wealth meant he probably would pay the full bill, but they knew I was on minimum wage.

With friends, we tend to use birthdays as a good excuse for going out-what are you doing Saturday 15th, it’s X’s birthday, shall we go for a curry/dinner/drinks? X isn’t necessarily one of my family members, but I’ll often suggest things as I like going out.

Just because I suggested it, doesn’t mean I’m particularly ‘hosting’, it was just an idea. I wouldn’t suggest doing anything though if it meant that I had to pay for everyone else’s food and drinks every time I had an idea.

Yep.

If I knew someone would be paying for everyone, I wouldn't go because I know I wouldn't be able to afford to reciprocate and because I would also feel awkward about what to order.

One person or one family unit covering the entire bill in my family just wouldn't work.

Going out for meals is one of the ways we socialise so it happens a lot but there's a lot of variety when it happens i.e. different times of day (lunch is generally cheaper than dinner), different venues, different numbers and mixes of people depending on who's available (we live all over).

I think if we adopted a "who invites pays" approach it would get imbalanced quite quickly and resentment could slowly build up, especially as we have a different household setups and incomes over the different units. I suspect the "invites" would start to dry up.

It's much easier to split the bill fairly (what we usually do) or pay for what you ordered.

and uncle made a big deal out of how he thought I was paying for everything.

I just find it so grabby, it's not like you were expecting him to pay for you, you just wanted him to pay for himself and celebrate with you.. I'm amazed at the people who call others tight, but don't want to to pay for themselves, because of the 'principle' of it.

You might not - but it's clearly expected by the majority of the 'if we invite, we pay' brigade. The flip side is 'if you invite, you pay'.

So I've been thinking about this, and I think I understand the distinction in my world. If you choose the venue (and therefore by default the approx. cost per head), then you are hosting, and really should be paying, otherwise you're effectively putting an obligation on others to pay for an event of your choice which may be outside of their budget.

If, however, there's a loose conversation about meeting up, and others equally have input into the choice of restaurant comfortable for their own budgets, then that's more of a family outing where it's OK for people to pay for themselves since their budgetary restrictions have already been taken into account, as have their preferences on where they want to go and spend their money.

On the whole, I'd prefer to go to a fancy restaurant rather than a budget one for a celebration, so I invite to the restaurant of my choosing, and I pay for everyone. It wouldn't be fair to expect others to face a large bill because of my choice to go to an expensive restaurant, rather than a budget or mid-level one.

@dontmalbeconme - yes. Exactly, you've described the distinction as I see it, too, thank you!

On the whole, I'd prefer to go to a fancy restaurant rather than a budget one for a celebration, so I invite to the restaurant of my choosing, and I pay for everyone.

So would I, so it would just be DH, DD and me and no-one else.

Mad people are calling the op 'cheap' for not having a spare few hundred laying around in the middle of summer and when she'll also need to buy presents etc for her dc.

Personally op I think it's fine if you give people enough notice and then they can make their own decision whether or not to attend. I would never go out for dinner in this situation and not be prepared to pay my way. Yes the 'host' paying is the done thing but its very entitled to expect it.

You could phrase it as "We're going out for dinner on x date for ds birthday, unfortunately we can only cover our own meals but if anyone would like to join us the more the merrier. We will also be having tea and cake at the house at x time if anyone would like to call in for that, it would be lovely to see you all. "

That way people can decide whether or not to come and be prepared to pay, but if they are skint they can still join you later on with no pressure either way.

You say you want to invite wider family - does your ds want them there or are you putting more pressure on yourself than you actually need to?

My kids and all my besties kid's have had/are having 18ths/21sts...only the ones hosted at home have been free. I've paid for bottomless brunches, pubs,
Chinese, posh kebab and even one REALLY nice restaurant for my family of 4.

There's never been any embarrassment about asking. A whatsapp group is created with the menu and cost on, deposits are asked for. If you can't afford it you say sorry I'm busy.

...and even if hosted at home, some people turn up with drink/food etc to contribute if they can.

That sounds pretty normal to me.

I would keep the numbers down.
Maybe just eat out with you guys and then invite the wider family for drinks and birthday cake at home?

I would pay in fact I did for my own childs 18th familly birthday meal which also cost about 500. The way I seen it was if I hired a hall and entertainment and provided a buffett I wouldn't expect guests to chip in so why would I expect them to if I invited them out for a meal. They also spent about 50 each on gifts for DC so I would have felt so tight asking them for money for their meals. To be honest my parents have always been generous with meals out and picked up the bill everytime. Be upfront and let his family know in advance if they are expected to pay to save any misunderstandings on the night.

I think it’s absolutely fine to ask for people to pay for themselves as long as it’s crystal clear beforehand. You need to be clear where you are going and also that if people don’t fancy joining you then that’s absolutely fine and that you will arrange a casual get together another time.
Maybe if it’s at the weekend and if it suits your son you could say you are at home in the afternoon for drinks and cake but are going out to eat in the evening for whoever wants to join in.
It is not in the slightest bit cheap as long as you are clear.

Hope your son has a great birthday.

Exactly!

Its his 18th. Let it be his gift very odd asking family to pay

I think that’s exactly it - let people know the score in advance clearly and they can either decline or accept - I think when resentment occurs is either family or friends just ‘presume’ someone else is paying as they were ‘invited’ and order everything they fancy or the person inviting ‘presumes’ everyone knows they will be paying for themselves and then feels irritated that they end up paying.