Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

If I was invited for an 18th celebration meal I would be expecting the hosts to pay. You are correct, it’s very expensive to eat out now, especially at a restaurant you haven’t chosen yourself!

A few things to mention. If it’s a largish group then the quality and service goes down in my experience, additionally have you checked they’re happy with a large group arriving and ordering or are you pre ordering? How are you going to split it with ever having different stuff? It could get messy!

I’d not do that, I’d take my kid out for a meal, invite those I could afford to pay for, and no more. Then I’d do something at home.

Even a wedding?

You ARE being tight! Don’t invite them to celebrate your DSs 18th if you’re not covering the cost.

Most 18th celebrations cost more than £500, so you have yourself a bargain anyway.

I’d never ask guests to pay.

We’ve always paid for our meals when eating out with family (weddings are the exception obviously). It’s fine, just send a message to everyone so they know.

I always expect to pay for myself with the exception of weddings funerals and birthdays, then generally the food is provided.

I've honestly never heard of this. In my family and my circle of friends we pay our own way regardless of who did the inviting.
We had an occasion where a friend was paying for everything but that was made absolutely clear from the start.
I'm or celebrating a 50th next week and there's no question that I'll be paying for myself.
OP if you're unsure how to broach the subject send the menu on to everyone and say you've chosen it so that it's affordable for everyone, something like that.

I’ve only ever been for a meal once and been paid for, I’m surprised it seems to be the norm here. I would always expect to pay for myself.

I wouldn't ask guests to a big birthday to pay, I would expect to pay for them, you could just have your own family for the meal/a Lunch instead of dinner and a smaller buffet party food thing at home with extended family later?
I imagine family will be giving quite a bit of money or special gifts so may feel paying for a meal out a stretch on top.

How on earth does organising a party, inviting other people and then paying for said party make someone a “freeloader”?
OP didn’t ask if she should pay when invited to SOMEONE ELSE’S party, she asked if she should pay when inviting others. Important distinction.

You hate feeling tight… but you are infact being tight? Either accept it, or offer to pay.

At a party yes, that’s different. But not a sit down meal at a restaurant. Maybe it’s just my social circles! (But to add that’s ALL my social circles even different ones like work, school friends, family)

We have several versions of the pay/ don't pay dynamic in my family, and most of it is pragmatic. My MIL is much less well off than we are- renting in her retirement etc. When she organises family get togethers everything assumes/ knows they will be paying for their own family and I don't think we've ever had to explicitly discuss it.

In my family if an elder/ parent organises it they are usually paying for everyone. But if me and my siblings/ cousins were organising something we'd pay for ourselves.

I wouldn't be offended to be asked to join and pay for our families meal if you wanted a family get together but it feels a bit icky to be giving nothing to your guests once youve dressed it up as a birthday party.

I think I would try and compromise with somewhere with a set menu deal and ask people to pay for anything over and above its cost?

its money better spent elsewhere

This is the crux of it. And why it is a but unreasonable - because I presume you’d be very hacked off if any of the family said they didn’t want to stump up for a meal to celebrate your DS because they’d rather spend the money on something else? I think if it’s his party (and, being crass about it, people will feel obliged to take a gift), you should pay. If the cost of the restaurant is excessive, have the party at home and just take your son for a meal there.

So many people calling op tight for not wanting to pay for everyone - surely it's much tighter to not want to pay for just your own 😂

It’s actually blowing my mind that grown adults expect to have a meal paid for them just because they’ve been invited to a birthday meal. It wouldn’t occur to me that someone was going to pick up my tab. They invite you to celebrate with them, fine not to go if you either don’t want to or can’t afford it but why would they pay for everyone? There is of course times when you want to treat or someone does pick up the whole bill but it’s not expected every time surely

You can state the conditions up front so people are free to decline or accept. People should understand in current economic conditions. When I arranged a night out with work colleagues for my 18th birthday I obtained a copy of the menu (so they could see prices). I told people frankly that I could not afford to buy a meal for everyone but that I would cover the drinks bill. Everyone accepted. Back in those days the drinks bill came separately anyway so I was able to go up to the bar and settle it discreetly.

If you can’t afford to pay for the birthday party meal, tell your DS his idea isn’t possible. He’ll have to think of something more affordable.

This! It wouldn't even cross my mind to expect someone to pay for me. That's really weird!

If you invite them - you pay sorry

In my family it’s the norm for everyone to pay their own. I’ve never been out for a large meal where someone has been expected to pay the entire table.

I think it's fine to have everyone pay for themselves.

I think I would word it as- ‘we are going out for xyzs 18th’ but just wondered if you would like to join us - it’s about £35 each etc ?

This is just about good manners, so if you invite them then of course you pay. Your husband is right to be embarrassed to make them pay.

If you can't afford it, that's fine, jyst don'task them - and how many 18 year olds want dinner with all the rellies anyway?

So, if you want people to meet up for a meal, but want everyone to pay for their own (because you can’t afford it), how would you word it?