Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

They're family, not acquaintances. Just invite them but add 'each family unit to pay for their meals'. If they can't afford it, or they simply don't want to go, then they won't.

Families differ, in my family we pay for everyone though every else protests and tries to offer money. In other families you pay your own way. The problem comes if you invite both sides of the family and they do contrasting things - you can’t ask an aunt and uncle to pay if they paid for you in the past!

I’m sorry but as it’s you have asked them out specifically for a birthday celebration I would expect you to
oay.
if it was no celebration and you were going out to eat and just casually messaged if anyone wanted to join then that’s different

It’s your son’s 18th. Course you should pay as you are inviting for a meal /party celebration

how lovely he wants to celebrate with you

That's a very good way of wording the invitation and maybe after “we’d love for you to join us at X restaurant on X date OP could add in 'to celebrate our son (name) 18th birthday with us'?! 😊

This is just not the case in my family at all! You all get invited out for your family members birthday and you pay for yourself + extra to cover the birthday persons meal. Why on earth would the birthday person pay for everyone to celebrate with them?!

I am sure that expectations have changed
due to times being tough for all.
I had this very thing; son's 18th and he wanted a meal out, family and one friend. I used savings and paid the lot. Son is now 33 so that was 15 years ago. I'd struggle to do it now. Broach the subject. Hope your boy enjoys his 18th whatever transpires

The birthday person doesn’t pay, their parents or spouse pays. I paid for the meal we had for my bloke’s last milestone birthday and he paid for mine. There were about 20 of us at both.

I think the key thing is to set expectations before they come. I went to a meal for someone’s 30th, and I wasn’t sure if I was paying for my own or not. In the end we were paying for our own, but some there thought they weren’t, which created a bit of awkwardness.

Well, you've invited them so its up to them now I guess. At least he will still have family with him, even if some can't make it. Hope you enjoy your celebration x

How strange that people expect others to pay for their meal?? Maybe this is a North/South divide?? We regularly go out for family meals and we all pay for our own. Occasionally my Dad will go pay for the meals before we are all finish as a treat but never would I expect anyone to pay for me or my family.

I would never expect someone else to pay for my meal regardless of the occasion. Every family birthday ive gone too , its just expected to pay for yourself. No judgement on that as we all skint. It's a big occasion /cost going to restaurant with own family members without having to pay for everyone who attends.

Why don't you go out for a meal with just your nuclear family and have the extended family round for drinks, or a garden party?

I also find the "you invite you pay" concept a bit odd.

For those who fully subscribe to it, does it not prohibit how often you socialise? Limit how how many people you can socialise with at one time? Or is everyone in your friend and family group just very wealthy?

ETA: There's a hautiness from some people on this thread and it's really not the flex you think it is. In my family and friendship groups, spending time together is more important than "who pays the bill" etiquette. If your reaction to an invitation from family or friends is "I'm not going because they want me to pay, should have had a garden party instead" perhaps you need to reconsider your priorities in life.

I always wonder this I'd never do anything if I had to pay for everyone every time I mentioned going somewhere or doing something

I'm sure I'd never say to a friend "Please would you come to (film/festival) with me?"

No of course you wouldn't, it's weird.

But asking someone if they want to do something with you, isn't implying that you will be paying for them for other things, so I'm not sure why so many people think if they are invited to a meal out the 'inviting' person should pay?

I'd say, do you want to go out to x restaurant on x date, in the same way I'd say do you want to go to see x film at the cinema? The ONLY time paying would be mentioned if it is was followed up with 'my treat', otherwise it is assumed in our circles that everyone pays for themselves.

I've never thought being invited to a restaurant means the other person's paying. You are going out for a meal to celebrate a birthday but you pay for yourself in a restaurant. If you were having a party in a room in a bar or similar i would probably expect some sort of buffet but would pay for my own drinks. I've been to a lot of birthday celebrations and always paid for myself.

That's semantics. A meal out to celebrate a milestone birthday? Some would call that a party and you'd still make your own way there and give a gift.

In no way is a meal out, a 'party'.

Unless you are hiring a function room, It's a meal out, simple as that.

You want a grand celebration for your son then cut your cloth to suit your purse (strings).

I experienced a similar scenario once, and when it came to the doting wife shaking down the guests for the moolah at the end of the meal, a really sour note crept in amongst the assembled guests. Her husband was mortified. (And yes, the guests were forewarned in the emailed invitation).

I wouldn’t do it in a million years.

Do it for your own birthday but don’t risk causing your son cringe moments on his.

Edited to say that it's always the haves that expect others to pay when invited out

And by the same token, pay for their guests when they host a birthday party.

You wont like this but I think you are being mean as basically you are hosting a birthday party for your son, where people will bring gifts (even if you ask them not to they will still feel obliged) and you are saying you can afford it but you would prefer to spend the money elsewhere. That feels mean and if i was invited i’d feel you were being mean. You could speak tonhe restaurant and aak for a set menu to keep control of the costs. But in the grand old scheme of things would you not rather look back and remember giving everyone a lovely evening in honour of celebrating your son’s birthday. Forget worrying about whether its appropriate or not, jusf do the right thing and pay for everyone. You wouldnt be asking it you felt deep down that it was Ok not to pay. Be that generous and wonderful mum that you probably are, and leave the worries around cost of living to the side tor this one, tighten your belt elsewhere, this is not the place to make savings . I say this with love and honesty and not to make you feel bad .

Can you get a set meal price and have people buying their own drinks?
I voted ynbu but reading the comments I do agree as its a one off meal for your sons 18th, that you should carry the main cost of the celebration.
Otherwise I’d host it at home and buy in food but depending on the size of your home and your hosting skills, I know which I’d prefer to do!
I think people saying it’s okay for them to buy their own meals is fine but you’re not inviting individuals so a couple with 2/3 kids are paying a lot for your son’s celebration night.
I think asking them to pay may mean some won’t come and could potentially spoil your sons birthday

If you’re hosting you should pay for a meal out. If you can’t afford then host at home and cook cheap food, or just say we are gathering at the pub and everyone more naturally orders their own food and drink (you can get a glass of fizz for everyone though.)

Ps what better way is there to spend the money than celebrating your son? Don’t the wider family also have the same better way?