Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

My understanding is that if you “invite" people to join you for a big celebration like an 18th or a 21st, or a wedding anniversary, you are the host whether it be at home or at a restaurant or other venue, and therefore you pay for all the invitees. If you are going out to a restaurant to celebrate the same event, and you’d like family and friends to join you to celebrate it, you say "we’re taking DS out for his 18th birthday to x restaurant, it would be great if you all could come along too, with everyone paying their own share".
Back in my youth, we would frequently go out to celebrate birthdays in a restaurant and each pay our own share, and usually cover the birthday person’s costs as well. Now that I’m a pensioner, I just can’t face inviting people round for a big party/meal and I am lucky enough to be able to afford to invite people to join me at a restaurant for my birthday, where I will happily pay for everyone. I think, as someone upthread said, it is a matter of semantics - to me, “invite you” means I’m paying for the whole thing; “join me” means I’m not.

Well, no, not at all. It just means that they can't afford an expensive celebration. They can still have a celebration, a get together. Buy tea & coffee & cake in a café, or just drinks out, or a picnic in the park, or invite people round for drinks and nibbles etc. A luxurious, expensive celebration like a full meal and drinks in a fancy restaurant is outside of their budget, that's all. So they pick something within their budget. If I can't afford something, then I can't have it. It's not really that hard to understand, surely?

@PruneEnigmatiquethanks for letting me know. Getting by on carers allowance, but still wouldn’t dream of asking other people to fund my child’s special birthday! And anyway, the op has clearly stated they ABSOLUTELY CAN afford it, they just don’t want to!

Rich people being able to afford fancier birthdays shouldn't be a surprise.
Expecting people to pay for your birthday meal is excluding poor people who can't afford this.
In my experience the birthday person/family of that person pays in this situation.
Growing up poor that meant we could attend family birthdays that we wouldn't have been able to otherwise. And when it came to our birthdays we had cheap alternatives, at home/at the park/less people.

Well, no, not at all. It just means that they can't afford an expensive celebration.

A luxurious, expensive celebration like a full meal and drinks in a fancy restaurant is outside of their budget, that's all.

Oh get over yourself, I could afford to do the above for my own family (husband and children), I wouldn't on principle pay for my siblings, parents, aunts uncles etc to come along too. I would however ask them if they would like to join us (where they would pay for their own families). If we were hosting a party we'd pay for everything.

We'll absolutely be going out to celebrate with a fancy meal and drinks, it's up to other people if they want to join us.

Your idea that people can't celebrate a birthday with a meal out unless they offer to pay for their wider family is, quite frankly, ridiculous.

Agreed @SandyHappy

My MIL has a big birthday coming up later this year and will no doubt want to celebrate at her favourite local restaurant. There's no question we'll be paying for ourselves because there's no way she could afford to cover the bill for the entire family.

In fact, I'd expect most of us will be trying to pay for her meal.

But perhaps based on some of the comments on this thread, we should tell her to cut her cloth accordingly and have a picnic in the park instead?