Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

My understanding is that if you “invite" people to join you for a big celebration like an 18th or a 21st, or a wedding anniversary, you are the host whether it be at home or at a restaurant or other venue, and therefore you pay for all the invitees. If you are going out to a restaurant to celebrate the same event, and you’d like family and friends to join you to celebrate it, you say "we’re taking DS out for his 18th birthday to x restaurant, it would be great if you all could come along too, with everyone paying their own share".
Back in my youth, we would frequently go out to celebrate birthdays in a restaurant and each pay our own share, and usually cover the birthday person’s costs as well. Now that I’m a pensioner, I just can’t face inviting people round for a big party/meal and I am lucky enough to be able to afford to invite people to join me at a restaurant for my birthday, where I will happily pay for everyone. I think, as someone upthread said, it is a matter of semantics - to me, “invite you” means I’m paying for the whole thing; “join me” means I’m not.

Well, no, not at all. It just means that they can't afford an expensive celebration. They can still have a celebration, a get together. Buy tea & coffee & cake in a café, or just drinks out, or a picnic in the park, or invite people round for drinks and nibbles etc. A luxurious, expensive celebration like a full meal and drinks in a fancy restaurant is outside of their budget, that's all. So they pick something within their budget. If I can't afford something, then I can't have it. It's not really that hard to understand, surely?

@PruneEnigmatiquethanks for letting me know. Getting by on carers allowance, but still wouldn’t dream of asking other people to fund my child’s special birthday! And anyway, the op has clearly stated they ABSOLUTELY CAN afford it, they just don’t want to!

Rich people being able to afford fancier birthdays shouldn't be a surprise.
Expecting people to pay for your birthday meal is excluding poor people who can't afford this.
In my experience the birthday person/family of that person pays in this situation.
Growing up poor that meant we could attend family birthdays that we wouldn't have been able to otherwise. And when it came to our birthdays we had cheap alternatives, at home/at the park/less people.

Well, no, not at all. It just means that they can't afford an expensive celebration.

A luxurious, expensive celebration like a full meal and drinks in a fancy restaurant is outside of their budget, that's all.

Oh get over yourself, I could afford to do the above for my own family (husband and children), I wouldn't on principle pay for my siblings, parents, aunts uncles etc to come along too. I would however ask them if they would like to join us (where they would pay for their own families). If we were hosting a party we'd pay for everything.

We'll absolutely be going out to celebrate with a fancy meal and drinks, it's up to other people if they want to join us.

Your idea that people can't celebrate a birthday with a meal out unless they offer to pay for their wider family is, quite frankly, ridiculous.

Agreed @SandyHappy

My MIL has a big birthday coming up later this year and will no doubt want to celebrate at her favourite local restaurant. There's no question we'll be paying for ourselves because there's no way she could afford to cover the bill for the entire family.

In fact, I'd expect most of us will be trying to pay for her meal.

But perhaps based on some of the comments on this thread, we should tell her to cut her cloth accordingly and have a picnic in the park instead?

Brilliant post @RubyGoose99

Being unable or unwilling to spend £500 on one meal doesn't mean someone is bad at planning or budgeting.

Or that they are tight FGS!

Well, no, not at all. It just means that they can't afford an expensive celebration. They can still have a celebration, a get together. Buy tea & coffee & cake in a café, or just drinks out, or a picnic in the park, or invite people round for drinks and nibbles etc. A luxurious, expensive celebration like a full meal and drinks in a fancy restaurant is outside of their budget, that's all. So they pick something within their budget.

Or they ask friends and family to join them at a restaurant with the expectation that everyone pays for their own meal. Why do you find that so hard to understand @dontmalbeconme ?

Said friends and family won't expect their meal to be paid for because they don't move in the kind of circles you clearly do where you expect to be "hosted" every time you are invited out.

This kind of "etiquette" is reserved for the privileged who have plenty of disposable income.

Your idea that people can't celebrate a birthday with a meal out unless they offer to pay for their wider family is, quite frankly, ridiculous.

I agree @SandyHappy And written by someone who is so used to their own privileged life that they can't envisage that most people don't live like this.

I hired the local hall for my 50th and that cost £7.50 an hour, I have a small house and a small garden and i wanted a lot of people to come. For a birthday meal out, I'm sorry, you choose the venue and invite others, then they are your guests, and it's your treat, If not, have the meal early with immediate family and meet the extended family, friends in the pub after. .

Yep.

Asking family members if they want to join you for a meal at a restaurant isn't 'hosting' and isn't a party.

As someone lucky enough to be a “have” in my old age, I resemble that remark. I always pay my fair share, and leave a large tip, when splitting a bill, and am happy to pay for my guests when I invite them out for a meal to a specific place for a specific reason. My friends are all the same, apart from one notorious skinflint (a definite “have”) who has been teased about it so much over the years that they are now as generous when hosting as the rest of us.

How would all the 'pay for yourself, even though it's my birthday celebration' people feel about their primary aged kid coming home with a party invitation in their book bag that said "Please join us to celebrate Jonny's birthday. We're going to 'localexpensiveattraction', and then out for food afterwards. Please make sure that Mummy sends you with £25 for your entrance to the attraction, £10 for an ice-cream and drinks, plus £15 for your dinner. If you're looking for birthday gift ideas, Jonny loves lego kits!

Good question, although I don't think this is quite the gotcha you think it is.

If a school mum sent invitations saying "Jonny's 6th birthday party at the zoo, £50 per child and here's a list of gift suggestions" I would think she was taking the piss, as would most parents.

On the other hand, if my SIL was taking my niece to the zoo for her birthday and invited DD and I along, I wouldn't automatically assume she was paying for everyone's tickets, food and drinks. Equally, I doubt she'd assume we'd expect her to.

The difference is context. One is a parent hosting a children's party for guests. The other is family spending time together to celebrate a birthday.

As mentioned up thread, I have family members who could not comfortably afford a restaurant bill for the entire family. If your takeout from that is that they don't deserve to celebrate their birthday in a restaurant with family (because that's the message that's coming across here) then I honestly think you have your priorities all wrong.

I'm also waiting for one of the "you invite, you pay" crowd to let me know if I should pre warn my MIL (a retired widower) that she should only expect a picnic in the park for her 70th, since that's all she can afford?

If you invite, specifically, you are the host, and you pay. If you ask people to join you somewhere to help you celebrate something, you are not hosting. so you do not pay for everyone, in fact, if you are lucky, they will pay for you

Could you just go out for meal with immediate family and have the others to the house.

If your takeout from that is that they don't deserve to celebrate their birthday in a restaurant with family (because that's the message that's coming across here) then I honestly think you have your priorities all wrong.

👏👏👏

Exactly. Context is important.

If Johnny is my nephew, no problem. He's family.
If Johnny is my child's best friend and his mum who is also a good friend of mine asked me casually over whatsapp or whatever, no problem. We are clearly close.
If Johnny is just a random kid at school that my child doesn't even play with and school mum is expecting the whole class to contribute? That's quite different.

I just don't get this distinction, or it seems very woolly. I would just say, 'we're going to X restaurant on Y date for my birthday if you fancy coming along', and people would come and they'd expect to pay for themselves, and everyone else I know would do similar for their birthday. No one does some grand 'inviting' and 'hosting', but I'm not really clear how they would do it or how it would be distinct from what actually happens irl.

I like to think I lead a real life, and I can assure you that both inviting and hosting happen in my life, though we’re not grand at all, and it’s not on every occasion, just special celebrations. I am also perfectly well aware that other people don’t do the same, neither one is right or wrong, just different strokes for different folks!

I'm an everyone pays for themselves with meals out person, and while I would find this odd from a school mum, it wouldn't bother me in any way, I'd just decline.

In our family parties are hosted and therefore the host pays for venue/food (we all sort our own drinks), but meals out at a restaurant are a different kettle of fish entirely, people choose to come or not come, but if they do they pay for their own families.

We've never had any issues doing things this way and my family go out a LOT together, it's actually the fairest way of doing things IMO, no expectations, no-one taking the piss, no need to reciprocate, or feel hard done by if people don't, just turn up eat and drink what you would like, pay for what you have had, have a great time then go home.

DH family have a 'person inviting has to pay' ethos, and I think we've all been out together twice in 10 years because of it, none of the siblings ever offer and they will only ever turn up if the parents are paying.. I find it really grabby and don't usually enjoy it, I also don't feel like I can order what I would like, I try and keep costs down for the payers, which I wouldn't do if I was paying for myself, I find the whole thing discombobulating.

Oh I don't doubt it happens, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. I just can't quite picture the mechanics of it, because it doesn't happen in my circles. What sort of wording would be used which would make clear that this was an Invitation and the inviter would be paying?

@LittleArithmetics - we quite recently had a big birthday where we didn’t want to celebrate it at home, so decided to host it in a restaurant we like. About 20 people came. As we have friends and family in different countries in Europe, we gave them quite a bit of advance notice and quite a few came over for a long week-end/short holiday as we live in a holiday destination. I honestly can’t remember how we worded it, but it was absolutely clear that we were hosting it (and that we didn’t expect presents!). We certainly didn’t send out formal invitations. Maybe it was because it was worded as a “birthday party”? I don’t know!

The OP doesn't say she can't afford it, she can, she just doesn't want to spend their money on it!

Nah, turning up and expecting another adult to pay for your meal is cheap and embarrassing. You are not a child!

I would feel uncomfortable if friends paid for a meal out because then they would expect me to reciprocate.

I think what the "you invite, you pay" posters ( @Mayana1 )don't seem to be able to get their heads around is that friendship groups where everyone pays for themselves have no expectation of other people paying, and would probably feel uncomfortable if someone did because they wouldn't be able to reciprocate.