Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

[ThePeachLemur]

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

Of course people are different.

Or stay home and never go out with friends/family because you can't afford to pay for them?
Read the room.

If I'm invited out I assume we're all paying for ourselves, it's just always been the way in my experience if people ask if I want to go to a restaurant. If I invite someone to a venue where I'm catering etc, I pay. I'm late-40s, middle class, it's always been a case of splitting the bill when I've been out.

What's with the BBQ obsession among Mumsnetters?

Agree, I hate BBQ. The meal at home suggestion only if your house and garden is big enough! I can fit about 10 extra people in my house. But they would have to sit on garden chairs etc.

Some posters just have no idea how other people live.
I wouldn't host a barbecue. I really CBA with the faff.
I can cater for a houseful of people, but not everyone can or wants to, and lots of people simply don't have a spare £500 to take people out for a meal.

It reminds me of a post some time ago when the OP asked for advice about where to put in a desk to WFH. The question was whether she should kick her DH out of a small room that he used for naps during the day. The advice was hilarious. Can't you work on the kitchen table? What about creating WFH space in your garden shed? Why don't you just work upstairs? It hardly occurred to the MN mansion dwellers that OP lived in a very small flat. It's quite unbelievable. Same here.

Agree.

I think this thread reached it's end when a poster declared something to the effect of "It's only £500! Don't be so tight!" 🦈

I am from real life. believe me , it happens, and it's right. It's the same as people who have these tropical weddings and expect their friends and family to stump up for travel and hotels to attend 'their dream' it's unreasonable, You throw the party, you foot the bill. If you can't afford it,, don't do it, have a party and a bring your own bottle one at that.

I am from real life. believe me , it happens, and it's right. It's the same as people who have these tropical weddings and expect their friends and family to stump up for travel and hotels to attend 'their dream' it's unreasonable

Not to mention hen parties abroad and sometimes even here in the uk.
If you had to pay for it yourself you wouldn't do it.

We go out loads with family and friends and everyone just pays for themselves, it’s lovely.

If whoever did the inviting had to pay for everyone, then these dinners just wouldn’t happen and that would be sad!

We often go out with my parents, siblings, and their families. Often one of them will bring an in law or one of the children’s friends/partners. If I’d done the inviting but suddenly had to stump up for an extra 3/5 people they’d decided to bring along , on top of the 14 already invited, it would be crazy money.

It works for us.

i think if you ask them out you have to pay. Can you fix soemthign at home? It might be cheaper? some meat in the oven, potatoes, salad, humus, dips and drinks.. will cost you less than 500 pounds. Of course I dont know how many people you are planning to invite.

@HutchMadras I do agree hen dos and weddings have got completely out of hand but I don't think it's a fair comparison, unless OP anticipates party guests needing to pay for flights and accommodation, as well as take annual leave, in order to attend her son's 18th.

i think if you ask them out you have to pay.

I disagree @blueskies18
It depends on the circles you move in. In my world when we get invited out to join friends for a birthday celebration we expect to pay for ourselves, and vice versa. They aren't hosting they are merely asking if we want to join them.

However, if they were having a party at home or at a hired venue then I would expect them to provide food as they are the hosts.

We go out loads with family and friends and everyone just pays for themselves, it’s lovely. If whoever did the inviting had to pay for everyone, then these dinners just wouldn’t happen and that would be sad!

Same here @Shinyandnew1 . This is what happens among my family and friends.

You invite, you pay. I don't understand the UK or US culture. I've never seen such kind treatment anywhere else in the world. It's highly embarrassing.

You're not old school, you've been raised well! Inviting someone expecting they will pay! Cheap and embarrassing. Don't invite them at all!

You move in different circles to me. It isn't cheap. I just would never invite someone like you to join me for a meal out, or if I did it would just be for a coffee, not a nice meal.

However, if I invited you to my house I would pull out the stops and provide a nice meal with wine because I would be hosting.

I don't think you fully understand that people simply can't afford to eat out if they are expected to pay for other people in the party. It is totally normal and not cheapskate among lots of people's friendship circles to split the cost as has been demonstrated on this thread many, many, many times.

Not everyone has your disposable income. Can you not understand that?

Well, every "Special Year" birthday party I've EVER been to in over 50 years I've taken a good appropriate gift to !! Ive also been given a lovely meal/ buffet spread in return ! This is how families operate for me and my wider circle of friends- don't be tight treat your family & friends to a lovely celebratory meal

This attitude pretty much means that only rich people are allowed to invite people for get-togethers. Before you say it's got nothing to do with being rich, if you can afford to splash £500 on a birhday dinner, you're rich. We really are a divided society, and many people's inability to understand that what one person takes for granted may be another's unachievable dream is quite staggering.

@PruneEnigmatiqueNo it doesn’t! We are far from rich but we paid for our child’s 18th Birthday. A few pence a week from when they’re born would do it! I’m by no means saying we’d pay for every get together, but come on! It’s an 18th birthday! You’d spend as much hiring a hall and putting on a buffet.

OP didn't suggest hiring a hall a putting on a buffet though - if you consider hiring a hall to host a party, you're definitely rich. Most rich people think they are not, because they compare themselves to the super-rich. Mind you, the bar for "rich" and "luxury" in supposedly the fifth biggest economy is pathetically low, but there we go.

Anyway, it's perfectly fine for all the family to chip in to treat the birthday boy to a nice dinner together. Despite some comparisons thrown about on this thread, it's not a destination wedding where guests are asked to fork out unreasonable sums on travel, hotels and outfits.

Yep.

Not to mention how differently it works in circles that can't just pay £500 for everyone at a meal. The expectation simply isn't there because no one can afford it.

It is also casual. It isn't a birthday party, it's just a meal and no one is 'hosting'.

A meal out isn't a "birthday party", it's a meal out.

The irony of people calling OP tight but balk at the idea of paying for their own food at a meal out.

I think this is what's jarring for me. To a lot of people, £500 is a significant amount of money, but that shouldn't mean they're excluded from celebrating a birthday with friends and family at a restaurant, or be shunned from society for asking people to pay for their own meals.

There's a real sense of privilege in some of these comments. A few points seem to be getting lost:

• £500 is a lot of money for many people.
• Not everyone has the space to host a BBQ, garden party, or house gathering.
• Being unable or unwilling to spend £500 on one meal doesn't mean someone is bad at planning or budgeting.

What I find odd is the suggestion that if someone can't afford to pay for everyone's meal, they should celebrate in a completely different way. Why? Going out for a meal isn't something that should be reserved only for people wealthy enough to cover the bill for an entire group.

People's circumstances change. They get made redundant, become ill, go through a divorce, have a car break down, need a new boiler, or face any number of unexpected expenses.

Some of the most judgemental comments are coming from people presenting themselves as experts in etiquette, while showing very little understanding of how different other people's financial circumstances can be.

But if you couldn’t afford to hire a hall and do a buffet anyway, it’s immaterial.

We went out for my nephew’s 18th last week-there were loads of us, we divided the bill by how many in each family. It was lovely-we all got to eat out somewhere fun together, no one had to cook, my sister didn’t have to spend a fortune that she doesn’t have, or entertain that many people in her house which would have stressed her out. We all had a great time-win win.