Active discussions

Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

507 replies

ThePeachLemur · 31/05/2026 16:51

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

OP posts:
VanquishedColston · Yesterday 09:34

tilypu · 31/05/2026 16:58

You are likely to get a very mixed response here.

I would never expect someone else to pay for a restaurant meal for me, no matter why we were there. I would expect to either go Dutch (aka pay for what i ordered) or for the cost to be split evenly between the people there.

The problem is how you make that known. If it's a set menu it's easier ('the menu is £x per person').

100% agree, aside from when I was a child I have never been to a birthday meal where the birthday person paid for everyone - this must be an old-fashioned thing surely?? Every single person I know would expect to be paying for themselves at a normal restaurant meal.

The only exception I'd expect is if it were something being hosted almost like a wedding in a private venue, but in an actual restaurant I'd never expect the bill to be covered.

dh280125 · Yesterday 09:40

If you invite you pay, I think. Do something else?

SandyHappy · Yesterday 10:14

BloodySoddingFlies · Yesterday 00:30

we're going out for dinner at x restaurant at x time for x's birthday if you fancy it?

That sounds quite a casual way to invite someone and the 'if you fancy it'
makes it a lot easier to say no if you're strapped for cash or even just don't fancy it.
I would certainly expect to pay for myself if I took up that invitation.

An invitation to a significant birthday for a relative is a bit harder to turn down, and tricky if one half expect to pay and the other half are going to be surprised when they get a bill. In the OPs situation, I'd pay.

That sounds quite a casual way to invite someone and the 'if you fancy it'
makes it a lot easier to say no if you're strapped for cash or even just don't fancy it.

It IS casual, that is the whole point! No one is forced to come and enjoy a meal with you for a birthday, and if they can't afford it they can decline with absolutely no repercussions, this is exactly how we frame it when going out for a meal, we decide to go out as a family and we let the wider family know our plans to see if they want to go too, but it's no hardship if they don't, if they come they pay for themselves. My side always comes as it's what we've always done, DH side don't because they think the person organising it should pay.. yet none of them ever host anything or organise anything themselves because of 'how much it costs'.. I find it quite sad that they never celebrate anything because of their own restrictions/eitiquette.

Leaving it optional and expecting people to pay for themselves ensures that ONLY the people who want to come will come, which is how it should be IMO.

Gossipisgood · Yesterday 10:28

You could send a message out saying something along the lines of.' We're going to xxx restaurant on xxx to celebrate xxx 18th Birthday. If you'd like to join us it'd be lovely to see you. First drink is on us' that way its clear you're not paying for their meal & if they can't afford it they don't feel bad not coming. If you can't afford first drinks then have a party at home & ask that people bring their own drinks.

springtome · Yesterday 10:39

It wasn’t until I joined Mumsnet that I realised how many people expect and do pay for meals. I get embarrassment from my 30 (nearly 18 years ago) where I arranged a meal for probably 30 people, took orders in advance but it didn’t occur to me to pay or anyone would expect us to pay. The vast majority there would not have expected it either, but there are some who in retrospect might have. I still cringe and worry what they think if me.

I was on maternity leave and did announce my 2nd pregnancy that night to the wider friend group so I hope that helped with expectations!

Snakebite61 · Yesterday 11:42

ThePeachLemur · 31/05/2026 16:51

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

My family would take it for granted they are paying for their own meal.

mcmuffin22 · Yesterday 11:52

I think I would just take him out as a small family meal and then do a BBQ or something at home.

Or if you think everyone would hate that and you want people to pay maybe phrase it as: 'We are taking xx for a meal for his birthday at XXX'. If you would like to join us, please let me know - menu attached- we are asking everyone to pay for their own meals and we will get some wine/ drinks for the table.'

StMarie4me · Yesterday 14:27

We’re all going out for my DIL’s 30th and each family set will be paying for their own. No question.

Shotter · Yesterday 16:25

Don't do the event on that level if you can't afford to give your DS a nice event without drama, and by the way, £500 ain't that much ... Moaning here about that much makes you look right tight!

Nothavingagoodvalentinesday · Yesterday 16:39

“It’s Joe’s 18th in July and we are going to Gino’s for a meal out on 15th. We’d love you to join us if you are able. I’ve attached a menu so you can see prices of the main meals. We’ll be paying for puddings. Hope to see you there. Love.”
I don’t think anyone would object to that. We all know the enormous cost of meals out these days.

pinkspeakers · Yesterday 16:44

I think it's absolutely fine provided you're clear up front.

"We're thinking of going to X restaurant for DS's birthday as it's one of his favourites. Would you like to join us? It's X type of food and will probably cost about £X".

I really don't see what the problem is. Unless these are people who have treated you on a similar occasion before.

pinkspeakers · Yesterday 16:46

Of course, if it is more of an "invitation" ie "We'd love you to join us to celebrate DS's birthday on xxxxx at xxxxxx" then the expectation is suddenly probably rather different.

Namechangee11 · Yesterday 17:00

I would have a party at home unless I could pay for everyone... I think it is weird to ask people out and then tell them to pay for themselves...

FlyingCatGirl · Yesterday 17:05

Trouble is you don't want people to take the piss and order a lot of stuff just because you've offered to pay. We went to a friend's birthday meal once and was suckered into an arrangement where everybody was asked to chip in £60 per couple for the meal bill. Trouble being a couple sat next to us ordered all the expensive seafood dishes and bottles of wine and then fucked off without paying anything In! So my partner spent £60 on two pizzas and two beers and had to chip in for the greedy twats banquet who sat next to us! I honestly prefer paying for myself.

BambinaCucina · Yesterday 17:30

It depends on your family on what they expect. You must be crystal clear that everyone pays for their own. I say that because...

I would in no way expect anyone to pay for us, but I'm reminded of the time I told my parents that I was taking my daughter to a restaurant for her birthday and then asked if they would like to go out as well. They did. They didn't even look at the bill when it appeared. Just expected me as a single parent to cover all 10 meals/drinks.

Of course, these are the same parents who - loved though they surely are - wouldn’t go out for a meal (to a place that served a weightwatchers friendly menu) for a significant birthday for me because they were on a diet. Had it not been for my sister and brother in law, I would have been in the house alone with my child. I will never forget that they did that.

RampantIvy · Yesterday 17:51

Shotter · Yesterday 16:25

Don't do the event on that level if you can't afford to give your DS a nice event without drama, and by the way, £500 ain't that much ... Moaning here about that much makes you look right tight!

Such a tone deaf post. Not everyone is as affluent as you.

It is a lot of money for a lot of people. I wouldn't be spaffing £500 on paying for other people's meals.

user1471538283 · Yesterday 18:01

No we would pay. Especially if it's a birthday celebration. If your family drink a lot of alcohol you could say you wouldn't be covering that?

My DC are older now but even if they invite friends to join us for dinner I pay. It's just the way my DF always did it. I always hear his voice when I or a friend offered "What?! I'm not allowed to buy you a plate of food now!" 😃

Allonthesametrain · Yesterday 18:08

Amongst friends we've always paid for ourselves and the birthday person and also for family get together, though more general celebrations.

You could just offer to pay for everyone's first drink or say wine on the table is complimentary.

Kirbert2 · Yesterday 18:27

Shotter · Yesterday 16:25

Don't do the event on that level if you can't afford to give your DS a nice event without drama, and by the way, £500 ain't that much ... Moaning here about that much makes you look right tight!

£500 is a lot of money to many people. I don't know anyone who could just pay £500 for everyone's meals.

Which is why in my circle, meals out are special occasions only and no one questions paying their own way.

DemBonesDemBones · Yesterday 18:28

@Kirbert2theres 18 whole years to save up for an 18th!

Kirbert2 · Yesterday 18:47

DemBonesDemBones · Yesterday 18:28

@Kirbert2theres 18 whole years to save up for an 18th!

Or people can just pay for their own meals. Paying for everyone just isn't something that's done with people I know and it isn't the expectation at all.

Shotter · Yesterday 18:48

That's all very lovely what you're saying about your circle, but £500 really isn't much for a big meal out for the family for that type of occasion, no matter what your pocket.

My take on this is, why my girl is coming here for validation when £500 isn't all that - like she wants people to say she's not being mean, on mass. She is trying to be ... It's a bit like inviting people to your wedding and not telling them they have to pay for their drinks, and then the bar not having the means with which to let people pay on card. Methinks if you can't afford to splurge £500 on a big occasion like that, just don't do it. One of the best weddings I went to was one where everyone had to bring a dish, and then the bride and groom designed the most beautiful buffet menus to explain what the food was. Everyone knew what to expect and really got into the spirit of it.

I'm sure my girl could just simply go sort it out, calm innit!! Someone could get the food, the other drinks, that kind of thing. Sounds to me that my girl just wants to moan about it rather than just go and sort it ...

Shotter · Yesterday 18:53

I'm not affluent ...

Shotter · Yesterday 18:55

And that's your choice mate. £500 is no big shakes and I'm not affluent. Don't invite people if you can't pay that ...

DemBonesDemBones · Yesterday 20:00

@Kirbert2or some people want to do something nice for all the people that helped their child get to 18. It IS something that’s done with people that I know-see how people are different?