Page 19 | Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

Bourneyesterday · 01/06/2026 23:47

Just say you are going to whatever restaurant you are going to and they should come. I would never expect someone to pay in that situation. The only time I do would assume someone else was paying would be a wedding.

BloodySoddingFlies · 01/06/2026 23:49

we've never done that in our family and we all go out together all the time

All going out together mean you've discussed it together, chosen the venue together, agreed the day and time together.
Being invited to an event at a specific venue (whether or not you can afford it)
at a specific time on a specific day, for a specific celebration for the host, and with no choice of who will actually be there - is completely different than a group of people deciding to go out together for supper/dinner/tea (I actually call an evening meal tea, but that confuses most people). The host should pay.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/06/2026 23:51

I was quite put out recently when someone invited me to their bday meal. I got a babysitter and uber home and a gift, I had one plate of pasta and some wine but because they did a set menu sharing platter with lots of expensive meat and fish that I don’t eat the bill was £180 each. I spent over £300. I was so upset that I hadn’t been warned how much it would have been I would have eaten at home and just come for a drink if I’d known.
if you aren’t paying for them then for the love of god please say no presents and don’t make people split a bill with other peoples expensive drinks and foods.

BloodySoddingFlies · 01/06/2026 23:52

If they can't afford it, or they simply don't want to go, then they won't

Big family feuds have been caused by less. Just pay and avoid the hassle

SandyHappy · 01/06/2026 23:57

Valleymum2 · 01/06/2026 23:42

You wont like this but I think you are being mean as basically you are hosting a birthday party for your son, where people will bring gifts (even if you ask them not to they will still feel obliged) and you are saying you can afford it but you would prefer to spend the money elsewhere. That feels mean and if i was invited i’d feel you were being mean. You could speak tonhe restaurant and aak for a set menu to keep control of the costs. But in the grand old scheme of things would you not rather look back and remember giving everyone a lovely evening in honour of celebrating your son’s birthday. Forget worrying about whether its appropriate or not, jusf do the right thing and pay for everyone. You wouldnt be asking it you felt deep down that it was Ok not to pay. Be that generous and wonderful mum that you probably are, and leave the worries around cost of living to the side tor this one, tighten your belt elsewhere, this is not the place to make savings . I say this with love and honesty and not to make you feel bad .

I think you are being mean as basically you are hosting a birthday party for your son, where people will bring gifts (even if you ask them not to they will still feel obliged)

I don't get his viewpoint, surely family members would be buying something for their relatives 18th birthday anyway.. what difference does paying for a meal out make?? Are you saying they should have to give a gift if they get something out of it like a free dinner??

And you think the OP is 'mean'.

Sam9769 · Yesterday 00:01

When I was 21 and a student (some years ago now), my parents gave me £200 as a birthday present. I invited a group of friends out to dinner to a Chinese restaurant and then to the cinema to watch the Rocky Horror Show. As I had invited everyone, I paid for all the meals and the cinema tickets. We all had a great time and great memories were made. It never occurred to me for a minute to expect them to pay! I had invited them to celebrate my birthday, chosen the venue and the film. They were my guests.

I agree with your DH, it would be embarrassing to invite family to your son's birthday party and expect them to bring presents and pay for their meals in a restaurant of your choice. All your son's party would have cost you was the price of your meal, your son's meal and DH's meal as you head home with all the presents given to your son by family members. That's not a good look!

Tabarnak · Yesterday 00:02

In our family we would split the bill without a second thought.
We would all appreciate being included in a family occasion to celebrate and would have no difficulty with the idea of paying for our own meals.

SandyHappy · Yesterday 00:05

BloodySoddingFlies · 01/06/2026 23:49

we've never done that in our family and we all go out together all the time

All going out together mean you've discussed it together, chosen the venue together, agreed the day and time together.
Being invited to an event at a specific venue (whether or not you can afford it)
at a specific time on a specific day, for a specific celebration for the host, and with no choice of who will actually be there - is completely different than a group of people deciding to go out together for supper/dinner/tea (I actually call an evening meal tea, but that confuses most people). The host should pay.

All going out together mean you've discussed it together, chosen the venue together, agreed the day and time together.

No, it really doesn't.

"All going out together", usually means it's someone's birthday, retirement, anniversary, just because or whatever and they say, we're going out for dinner at x restaurant at x time for x's birthday if you fancy it?

We are free to say yes or no, but we all normally turn up, and we all pay for ourselves.

As an alternative DHs family will only go out for dinner together if one person suggests it and pays for everyone.. I've been with DH ten years and only ever been for 2 meals out with his family, which his parents paid for.

I think my way is better.

BloodySoddingFlies · Yesterday 00:09

For those who fully subscribe to it, does it not prohibit how often you socialise? Limit how how many people you can socialise with at one time? Or is everyone in your friend and family group just very wealthy?

None of the above, because going out with friends is just that, a mutually agreed visit to a pub or restaurant or cinema or wherever you all want to go no matter how many of you there are.

An 18th, 21st, 50th, 60th or Silver/Ruby/Diamond WA etc is a special event
which doesn't occur very often and the host decides to celebrate it in the first place, and also chooses when and where and how modest or expensive the venue is. In these cases, in all my experience of these occasions (and I'm old so there have been many) the host pays. I've been to parties that were buffets, outdoor ones with chip and burger vans, and some modest and some quite posh restaurants. All of them were great. You cut your coat according to your cloth.
If you want to invite guests to 'your' celebration at 'your' choice of venue at a day and time of 'your' choice then you pay.

Also, in my experience, it's the better off of my acquaintances that are the tightest and that's the truth.

Mumtobabyhavoc · Yesterday 00:18

Host a bbq or something affordable at home and just go out with your immediate.

BloodySoddingFlies · Yesterday 00:30

we're going out for dinner at x restaurant at x time for x's birthday if you fancy it?

That sounds quite a casual way to invite someone and the 'if you fancy it'
makes it a lot easier to say no if you're strapped for cash or even just don't fancy it.
I would certainly expect to pay for myself if I took up that invitation.

An invitation to a significant birthday for a relative is a bit harder to turn down, and tricky if one half expect to pay and the other half are going to be surprised when they get a bill. In the OPs situation, I'd pay.

changeme4this · Yesterday 02:54

I would be happy for you to ask me to pay for myself. I would prefer that than to be left out and not know why….

and I say this from experience.

springtome · Yesterday 04:15

In our family this is totally normal and expected. I ended up paying for our son’s 18th meal as the bill ended up being £260. I had planned on paying for drinks or mains or something and kind of thought up to £200 but when the bill wasn’t much more I paid for the lot but some of the wider family tried to say no, I couldn’t do that and they would pay their own 😂

Rhaenys · Yesterday 05:03

I don’t think I’ve ever been to a birthday meal where I haven’t paid for myself.

RampantIvy · Yesterday 06:51

RubyGoose99 · 01/06/2026 22:09

I also find the "you invite you pay" concept a bit odd.

For those who fully subscribe to it, does it not prohibit how often you socialise? Limit how how many people you can socialise with at one time? Or is everyone in your friend and family group just very wealthy?

ETA: There's a hautiness from some people on this thread and it's really not the flex you think it is. In my family and friendship groups, spending time together is more important than "who pays the bill" etiquette. If your reaction to an invitation from family or friends is "I'm not going because they want me to pay, should have had a garden party instead" perhaps you need to reconsider your priorities in life.

Edited

I agree with all of this.

The problem is that the more affluent mumsnetters cannot envisage that most people do just "join" friends and family to eat out to celebrate occasions. They don't get "invited" and don't have an expectation to have their meal paid for. In fact it is more common for the friends to club together to cover the birthday person's meal.

Some people still live in the dark ages when it comes to "etiquette"

I just don't move in circles where one person pays for everyone's meals.

@Woahtherehoney has the right idea. It makes it very clear about who is paying and shouldn't offend anyone. If anyone is offended at this I wouldn't want them there anyway.

PoisedSquid · Yesterday 07:17

BirminghamRose50 · 01/06/2026 19:04

So you expect folk to turn up with a decent 18th birthday present AND pay for their own meals

Edited

No not at all!! We have NEVER expected presents, just presence!! Please dont judge on own standards! Wowzers

PoisedSquid · Yesterday 07:25

ThePeachLemur · 31/05/2026 16:51

Its our DS's 18th this month and he's wanting to go to a local restaurant for a meal to celebrate, which is great. However, we want to invite the wider family. AIBU to request they pay for their own meal? The cost of eating out now is so expensive that it would cost us in excess of £500 and its money better spent elsewhere. We aren't skint, but like all of us, we have to be savvy. DH is embarrassed to ask his family to pay for their own meal. I've spoken to my side and its not an issue. Just hate feeling like I'm being tight.

Thanks for all your input. We have approached everyone we would like to invite and all have said of course they understand and just want to celebrate with us. DS has said he doesn't want gifts (he's so difficult to buy for and does have a little job whilst waiting for uni) so really isn't offended by this. He just wants his nearest and dearest with him. We of course offered a bbq gathering at home and it was his choice to go to restaurant. We have decided to put 'so much' aside and whatever the bill is, will be split. It'll probably be the cost of a drink. Its been a challenging year and if we could've foreseen certain things, we'd have the money to have free for all. It didnt work out that way and life is like that. I'd rather teach DS compromise than try and struggle just to give others a good time.

RampantIvy · Yesterday 07:38

Have you name changed @ThePeachLemur ?

freetospeakup · Yesterday 07:47

We go out for meals for family birthdays often and everyone pays for themselves. It wouldn't happen otherwise as no-one would be able to afford to foot the total bill for everyone

Shezza71 · Yesterday 07:48

I would always expect to pay for myself regardless of the occasion. Could you maybe ask for a contribution per person. Say £20 maybe. That would cover the majority of of a main course.

RubyGoose99 · Yesterday 07:56

RampantIvy · Yesterday 06:51

I agree with all of this.

The problem is that the more affluent mumsnetters cannot envisage that most people do just "join" friends and family to eat out to celebrate occasions. They don't get "invited" and don't have an expectation to have their meal paid for. In fact it is more common for the friends to club together to cover the birthday person's meal.

Some people still live in the dark ages when it comes to "etiquette"

I just don't move in circles where one person pays for everyone's meals.

@Woahtherehoney has the right idea. It makes it very clear about who is paying and shouldn't offend anyone. If anyone is offended at this I wouldn't want them there anyway.

Show quote history

In my family and friendship groups, we'd be more upset if we found out that we hadn't been invited to a celebration on account of some antiquated "rule" about who pays (a rule which is exclusionary for people with low disposable income, might I add).

But we actually enjoy spending time together and thankfully it sounds like OP's family does too.

Pogue4Life · Yesterday 08:09

I think it’s how you word it. Personally we have done it in the past and had it done to us. But you have to word so they know you won’t be paying. Maybe along the lines of “we’re thinking about going out to celebrate ……..birthday. You’re more than welcome to come along and celebrate with us, just let me know so I can add you in the numbers and pre warn the restaurant they’re will be multiple bills”

FudgeFudy · Yesterday 08:24

If I've chosen the date and venue of whatever occasion it is then I'll always cover the cost. I've felt obliged to go to enough events that I wasn't really that bothered about, only to feel a bit miffed that I also had to pay for the privilege, to not want to risk making others feel the same way. Obviously this doesn't apply to people who know they are so delightful in every way that everybody else falls over themselves to spend time and money to be with them.

Bernardo1 · Yesterday 08:29

So what are you going to do for the 21st ?
It'll be on you before you realise, better start saving now.

Retiredfromearlyyears · Yesterday 09:30

Could you perhaps take your DS and DH out to the restuarant and ask all the others to a garden party. BYOB.!
I think it kind of unreasonable to ask guests to join in your sons celebrations then ask them to pay!
Its not an every year thing after all.