AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

OP you have done the most difficult but important thing that you can for yours and your baby’s future. You may not feel it right now, but you have such strength and resilience - you are amazing.

The behaviour you have and are being subjected to is truly abusive, from both you H and his family. I have unfortunately experienced very similar behaviours from
my ExH and his family - degrading me because of my background which was seen as inferior, attacking my mental health (oldest story in the book “she’s crazy” 🙄 these “men” are all the same and can’t come up with anything original), manipulating, gaslighting, even as far as calling the police for a welfare check because he was so “concerned” about the children (after he was highly abusive to me in their presence).

You have 1000% done the right thing. Please do log it officially with the police - show them the messages etc. keep a copy of all messages and only communicate with him via messages that can’t be deleted by him/email if you have to have contact - but you’re completely right to not have contact right now.

Hopefully you’re still under your midwife’s care (they can see you until 28 days postnatal). If you are, please speak to them, if not, contact your health visitor. They can refer you to your local domestic abuse service and can support you with the situation but also check ins for support with baby/managing the colic.

Wishing you all the strength in the world. You have people you know are there for you, lean on them. I’m mainly out of the other side and life is so much better and my mental health is unsurprisingly so much better! There is light at the end of his 💜 xxx

I had a c-section OP. It was also an emergency. To me, the c-section tells a big part of your story but not all of it.

You have a newborn baby who is 3 weeks old. 21 days. Your baby is so tiny and new, and you (as parentS) are still trying to establish a "newborn normal" (not a routine). You're still trying to work it all out in-between cluster feeds and and sleep.

I think it's very reasonable to say "We're establishing our new life with baby and a weekend away in a new environment and away from home comforts is not something we are prioritised with right now."

I think it is also very reasonable of you to be asking your husband to stay home and do this with you. I don't know what his paternity leave is but I look at it like this: paternity leave is woefully short as it is, if he is still on paternity leave then there's a reason for it and even if he wasn't- it's the weekend! A weekend where you've looked after your baby all week and now it's time to establish family time with your new baby who is not even a month old.

Now- let's address the fact that you've had major abdominal surgery. If this was any other surgery (not a c-section), you'd be expected to rest. In fact, my bet is that there would be people who were wanting to help you more with baby but somehow because it was a way of delivering baby it's all considered appropriate to not help.

I read a reply where you were asking for clarification on custody and this absolutely breaks my heart for you. It shouldn't even be anything you feel you need to think about and I really hope your husband shut his mother down during that conversation.
Personally, I'm disappointed that it wasn't an instant "I'm in the wrong place and need to get home to my wife and child," which was then acted on.

I also read a response where someone had said that they had a relative who made a long journey 2 weeks after baby was born: and I wanted to reiterate to you that just because that family chose to travel with a tiny newborn baby; and it was right for them- it doesn't mean it has to be right for you and your family. In hindsight, that particular family may look at their travelling and say they'd do it differently given the chance. They may say it was amazing, but they aren't you. You have made a decision that should be respected and listened to.

I can totally appreciate how you may be feeling, OP and am so sorry that you're in a position you're thinking he would act on any suggestions of custody. I cant help any other way but I just wanted to validate that all for you.

Talk to your husband openly about it all.

Finally, everyone's experience of post c-section recovery is different. I remember my recovery took slightly longer than I expected due to slight complications and so my judgement may be biased here but I think that there needs to be some acknowledgement that you're expressing that your in pain. I'd want my husband to be there to help me in pain (not withstanding help with the baby).

Please take care of you. Advocate for you and for your baby. You don’t even need to bring in the conversation you've been told about in order to do this. But I'm sorry that you feel you have to even more because of it.

Can people read the whole thread, it’s gone way beyond having a chat with her DH and his expectations after birth.

OP I am so sorry this is all happening, you deserve better. Like others have said, stay strong and get some legal advice. Big hugs xxxx

If he was so concerned about the welfare of his baby he would not have left and came home! This was to control and punish her!

Just sending a big hug OP. Emergency C section first child mama here and your first posts made me cry with the memories of that really mad and tricky and emotional time - and I had support from my mum and wasnt being actively attacked by a MIL or partner. They have shown themselves to be toxic and horrific and abusive - even their own family see it and are clearly appalled. Just snuggle down with baba, good food, lots of light TV, feet up recover from this episode. You are clearly a very wise and resilient and clever woman and can see the pattern of abuse here. You are not to blame for anything and no chance he will get custody - right now he is flirting with having no contact longer term and you would be in your rights to make sure PIL never see baba again. Stay strong Mama bear and literally f the lot of them. Sorry you have to be strong right now so lean into gentle cuddles too and dont let him and his mad bad toxic family ruin this time completely for you. Btw mind is blown by 10 day solo holiday whilst partner 8 months pregnant. Writing on the wall here love. You deserve so much better than this and I pray you walk away and stay away xxxx

You poor poor darling. What awful people you have become entangled with. The police thankfully have seen a loving caring mother. You're doing amazing, truly inspiring. That much loved baby is so lucky to have someone as wonderful as you. Take the advice from your marvelous FM, isn't it fantastic you have someone who has your back. You concentrate on getting over this period of the colic and night feeds, just remember this hard time will pass, get back to work once your maternity leave is up. Yes you need to get therapy and yes you must log this police callout as harassment. Document everything in case there is a custody battle. Your baby needs you to stay strong.

My partner had an unavoidable planned 4 day work trip to the US 3 weeks after my due date but as baby arrived 3 weeks early he was 6 weeks old when he went.
My PIL both came and stayed for the duration, cooked all my meals, made me cups of tea and coffee, held the baby whilst I showered, did bedtime with my daughter dropped her off and picked her up from school.

I'm 8 months pp and I got really unwell in pregnancy and needed an urgent induction which was on the verge of becoming an emergency C section and I haven't recovered. We have my in laws to stay for 3-5 days every 6 weeks, my parents come around 2-3 times a week for a few hours to help.

It takes a village to raise a child as they say. Asking for help is not a weakness it is a strength. Knowing that you can do a good enough job without help but a better job with help and asking for it is the right thing to do.

I had a severe postpartum mental health episode after having my daughter and it was during 2020 so there was no support at all and I really struggled. At no point did anyone involved in my care or my partner suggest that I wasn't anything other than an attentive mother trying my best. I was admitted to a mother and baby unit and it was stressed to all of us that you have to look after yourself and asking for help to give you the bandwidth to look after the baby is important

I'm sorry. This isn't a good man, or a good family. You will be better off without him.

Please log all the harassment including them calling the police on you.

Seek legal advice from as many solicitors in your area, as PP mentioned this will mean they can’t work with him.

focus on you and your baby now, block out all the noise.

I'm so sorry this happened to you lovely.
He's shown his true colours and been incredibly disloyal. I'm a big believer in your other half having your back with the in-laws and he's clearly a weak excuse for a man who'd prefer to hide with mummy and make malicious calls to the police, rather than step up and be a good partner and a good dad. If he'd really had concerns he'd have come home. It was clearly an attempt to hurt you and control you. Abusive men lash out by trying to criticise you as a mum, it's a low and cowardly move and tells you everything you need to know about him. It's him and his family who needs to learn what 'family' means, not you. How dare he weaponise your care background against you - you are equal to everyone else in every way and no less than anyone for growing up in foster care ❤️
Please reach out to Women's Aid, you're not alone, your foster mum sounds brilliant. xxx

This. Also years ago people had a home help provided by the state for a couple of weeks after the birth so it was clearly recognised that mums needed support. If I were you, I would tell your husband that I managed so well without him so he can go and live with mummy now! He should never left you as you shouldn't be lifting or driving after a c section and he and his mother have behaved despicably. I doubt he would even want to have full custody with all the responsibility, sleepless nights, adjustment to work schedules and hit on his pension that it would entail. Do you know what his response was when his mum suggested it as that would be telling?

It took me a while to write this and when I did, the post above me prompted me to have a look as it seemed I'd missed something.

I don't blame you for any of the actions you've taken and am so glad you have your (foster) family by your side. Everyone needs love and support.

You are doing brilliantly at being the most wonderful Mum to your baby. Remember who your village are. You'll be just fine. ❤️

What a bunch of arseholes. Disentangle yourself from these ppl as much as you possibly can and be the mummy to your son that you needed . Honestly it won't be easy cos you share a child and I know you never had a textbook childhood but these ppl sound highly disfunctional and toxic

Absolutely log the harassment. If for no other reason, it'll help you if he's dumb enough to 'go for custody'.

My MIL would have crucified my DH if he'd attempted to go on holiday or leave me with a newborn.

I would ignore the shit stirrer but also have you had issues with your MiL before?
For her to throw a tantrum over your husband initially planning to miss the family event is awful.

Your MiL is a nightmare and your husband is weak. Not an ideal man to marry and procreate with.

Oh OP! What an absolutely super person you are. You've been put through the mill in such a short time, when you should be enjoying your new baby. You sound strong, you're amazing, and your baby is so lucky to have you as mum. Your foster mum sounds like a pillar of strength and I'm glad she's there with you. Keep them blocked, screenshot all the messages including those on the ipad, and save everything. What an absolute wretchedly nasty piece of work that man and his lunatic parents are. Log it as harassment as the police noted and keep being you - you can do this. Gather your friends and workmates around you - they will help if they know you need it.

OP I'm so sorry (and angry on your behalf) that you had that experience last night. I hope you manage to get some rest at some point today. As others have said, please log this as harassment with the police. I also think it might be worth preparing yourself mentally that he might try another approach and possibly contact someone like social services. I don't for a minute think it'll be any outcome other than last night (eg they are very satisfied that your baby is well cared for and your husband is abusing the service to harass you) and I sincerely hope he doesn't do this, but I sadly think it's a possibility. I'm so glad you have such great support around you - fm, your friends and colleagues, as well as people you haven't mentioned like your GP, midwife/health visitor, womens aid, charities etc. You will get through this and out the other side.

I think every single woman on the planet has underestimated what her body is capable of when due or shortly after giving birth.

This is not helping the OP.

OP

If I was at a family gathering for a weekend and found out my relatives wife was alone after major surgery with a new baby I'd be leaving that weekend to look after you.

I had some minor surgery couple of years ago, the hospital gave me a sick note for two weeks. That was a laparoscopic procedure.

I think the section is mostly irrelevant tbh. I'd have been fine to travel, or look after baby alone for the weekend at three weeks, because I got lucky with my recoveries. But that's not the point. It shouldn't be an expectation, it should be a conversation and yours and the babies wellbeing should have been at the center of that.

He doesn't sound like a good husband aside from this incident, and his his family's actions and how abusive they have been by message since are unforgivable. And that's before you even get onto them calling the police.

It sounds like your real family is your foster mum, who clearly loves you and is there for you. I'm very glad you have her, and that she's helping you. But probably is worth getting pain checked out at three weeks, as maybe you have an infection or something, but equally, stress and lack of support are probably contributing to you finding recovery slow.

This is about a horrible man and his horrid family, not about how quickly you should be bouncing back from a section.

No he can't. His mum is nuts. It doesn't matter, if you ask some to stay because you are healing your op that is a legit question.

So sorry you’re having to deal with this.
Calling the police for a welfare check sounds calculated on his part.

He may well have been worried you stopped responding, and that may have ramped up if his mother was dripping in his ear that you can’t cope and may have done something harmful, but my question would be that if he were so worried why did he leave you and the baby alone?

He sounds weak and pathetic tbh, and he’s going to have the sad reality to face that he has fucked up on a colossal scale which has potentially cost him his own family unit.

I don’t want to add to your worry but sometimes a police report can trigger a Social care referral, and given you are care experienced, experienced DA (that’s how the olive are likely to have viewed last night) and I think I read you have had perinatal involvement (may be a different OP so apologies if wrong) all of which are vulnerabilities to consider when you have a 3 week old baby. If they call remember it’s a consent based service, you have the wonderful support of those around you - even let them speak to FM if needed, but Social care can even be a huge support, especially with what you’re going through. I don’t want to add to your stress but flag that this may happen so you don’t go into a panic x

All the best

I’ve just read your most recent update! I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you are as strong as an ox OP❤️ I honestly love your strength to act against being bullied by these lunatics. You’ll win, you’ll definitely win. The sense of happiness and freedom you’ll feel in the near future by getting rid of these pair will be remarkable❤️

It is also not that long ago that women stayed in hospital for 2 weeks post c section with the babies looked after in nursery for sections of the day

I wonder which mothers get more rest to recover

Op please, please do log the harassment which is what this is. He's trying to frame you as an unfit parent and I'd want to make sure that you've logged it and have a clear police record that this was actually harassment and not a warranted concern. This will help stand you in good stead if he escalates further. I hope you managed to get a bit of sleep eventually. When you get up I'd get something to eat, pack what you need for you and the baby and then ask your fm to bring you to the police station to make a report. I would also be logging all their messages and repeated calls. He's building a log against you now and you need to make sure you do the same to protect and defend yourself. He's counting on you letting this slide so please don't if you feel strong enough.