AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

My good what a strong lady you are. I’m so impressed by your actions, and not tolerating the nonsense from your H and his toxic family. You’re gonna be a great mum.

I know you're feeling anxious right now, but honestly, you sound pretty bloody amazing to me.

Yes, you really had a rough start in life, but you have a lot of self awareness about possible health/mental heath issue you may face and you sound pretty switched on and determined.

Knowing you have a job, a home and the support of your FM, it sounds like you and your baby would be a lot better off without this baby man who still runs to his mum for everything (I say that as a mother of only boys too).

Please, see a solicitor ASAP to make sure you're ready for what his family may try, but I'm with his uncle, I'm betting they'll be all talk and little action. Also, yes, some counselling for yourself is probably a good idea too.

Wishing you and your baby nothing but the best.

No, that’s a load of rubbish.

just after I wrote I was feeling anxious the police were banging on my door and trying to get in I ran and that was painful to answer the door. They said they were conducting a welfare and safeguarding check on my baby and really firmly asking where the baby was and at this point he was crying and my fm was coming down the stairs.Because I didn’t answer my husband all day and night because I muted him he told the police he thought I had done something to the baby. And when they checked everything they were so nice and said I can log harassment. I had maybe an hour sleep after all that.

I am so sorry you had to go through that. At least something is logged with them now.

I am so sorry to hear this, specially your last message. There are no words to describe that vile man. You are all your baby needs.

It looks like you’ll be able to cut him from your lives fairly easily, even though he’ll be nasty throughout. Xx

Every post I read further from you makes me more upset for you, but also more sure that you are soooo much better off without this nasty man in your life. All he is doing with his abusive texts and sending the police round is giving you good evidence to take towards the divorce! He is hideous!!

What a disgusting abusive man. Others will have better advice. I’m so glad you have your FM there for you.

@RudaRudoRude

What have I just read?! (Read all your posts)

Blimey, but best out now! Well done for acting fast, before they get to confuse and abuse you more. DH didn’t even stand up for you, and you have proof!!

The family whistleblower & co sounds like they’re have your back, there is clearly differences within his family, that’s good to know.

Thank goodness for your FM! She sounds amazing!! And well done for leaning in on that support too.

Like PP’s have already said, be several steps ahead! I know you’re knackered, but future you will thank you!

And the welfare check was a calculated manoeuvre!! Sounds like they’re going to try to throw mud and try to discredit your abilities as a mum.

Something that was mentioned on a previous thread that I thought was a genius idea, was to have the free initial chat with all the best solicitors in your area, as they then can’t work for your STBEXH due to conflict of interests!

Get a few steps ahead of him and his family. They sound like they are used to getting their own way, and will play dirty. Game on!

(Obviously it’s not a game, and you’re exhausted, but absolutely channel your anger and upset into something helpful and productive in order to protect you and your baby’s future).

And this could have happened to anyone, and does, regardless to background. Your baby has you, your family, they’ll be ok. Better that than the toxicity you married into! Best out now than after you’ve lost yourself and self esteem from them and their behaviour to you!

You’ve done great so far!! Document everything, evidence, etc.. don’t let them mess with your head. Really glad you can see what they’re doing and how it’s NOT ok!

All the best to you and your family. Your F family are your family.

OMG that’s absolutely shocking - he leaves you on your own with a new baby after a c section and then sends the police around because “you’re not coping”! If he believed that he shouldn’t have left you in the first place! And presumably he’s still at the party, and not heading back in a panic?

I take it the police thought he was way out of order on this? Also, it was so brilliant that your FM was there, both to back you up, but also to prove that all you had really needed was for your husband not to clear off to a family get together leaving you alone with a tiny baby. Perfectly reasonable to expect that in your situation.

Sending the police around - that’s so awful!

Wow. Really shown his true colours. You really don’t deserve this. Keep a record. Log harassment. Don’t respond to him, not at all. Contact solicitors today and take everything you have to them. There is no coming back from this but focus on you and your baby. You are all your baby needs right now.

As awful as that undoubtedly is in the long run it will hopefully help you with showing a pattern of behaviour from him. Get it logged as the police have suggested and get some proper legal advice today.

stay strong and don’t let them bully you.

They are truly vile but, at least, the police know that now too and it is logged. Don't let them pressure you into drinking again you would be playing into their hands. Stay strong. Thinking of you.

Sounds like it was because she wasn’t answering the phone or responding to messages, fair that he may have been concerned.

Then he should be on his way back as we speak.

Right?

Or do we think he’s still at the family party, waiting passively for the police to tell him it’s ok and he can keep on enjoying himself?

In terms of the future, and divorce, is it a good idea for the OP to log harassment, as suggested by the police? Does anyone with expertise or experience of similar know?
@RudaRudoRude - please stay strong, thank God your foster mother is still with you and helping. Your baby is so lucky to have you in his corner, since his other parent clearly only sees him as a pawn in his control game, rather than actually taking proper care of him as a father should.

So sorry you are going through this with a newborn. His family are awful and one day you will look back and think it was a blessing you got away from them all.
stay strong and don’t engage with their behaviour. He will not get custody of a newborn

OP it is excellent when the Police visited they noted you were (of course!) 'coping' and your baby was safe and well. Excellent that FM was there too.
Get this logged as 'harrassment'. Call local lawyers today.

H/in laws behaviour is all them, none of it is you.
It's vile but best over at the beginning. You can cut them out of your baby's life.
You have a stable home, a job to return to, the support of your fab FM.
You are going to be fine & will thrive in time.

This!

His malicious act has worked in your favour. Please make sure you log the harassment.

Hope you get some sleep today! X

Police take a dim view of being used to harass partners. Do log it with them.

Can't believe how you're being treated by your husband when he knows you've grown up in care and have no family to add to your support, he is your support and as responsible for the children as you. I had an emcs and my husband couldn't have done more for me and that's as it should be! Your mother in law is a selfish old bag and he's a weak selfish man to prioritise a family event over the welfare of his own family.

Fair?? You must be out of your mind.

It is very, very normal to have a spot of health / death anxiety with a new born. As your baby's primary carer it is very understandable that you feel vulnerable if anything happens to you. Most likely nothing terrible health wise will happen and you will be able to take care of your child brilliantly.

Look after yourself.

Would it be a good idea to mention this to health visitors or midwife? Do midwives still visit after giving birth?

Don’t be so bloody silly. He wasn’t remotely concerned, he wanted to punish her. If he was genuinely concerned, he could’ve come back himself or, and this is a novel idea, stopped sending abusive, disgusting messages (and stopped his wretched mother too) and been even just slightly pleasant and maybe op would’ve been receptive to his messages. Not for one second was that man concerned for his baby’s wellbeing, he just wanted to teach op a lesson for having the gall to ignore his bile… and to possibly start an official trail indicating op is incapable as a parent.
OP definitely log this as harassment, with the further evidence of his (and his mother’s) messages.