AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

The holiday was 10 days and his parents paid for him to go because his mum said he needed a break before the baby came. It was just for him and not both of us. I wasn’t invited at all.
His parents are Italian but they are really British because they were born here. I am mixed race and I think that they didn’t like that so much because they always say things about black people and black men always leaving their children.
I am on maternity leave and I am a hairdresser, I was planning to start doing my own clients in a few months again. This is very outing now but I don’t really care too much now. I have been in contact with his uncles girlfriend who told me,it did all kick off there and she said some of the family did stick up for me including his uncle and her but she said the ones closer to his mum I shouldn’t let in my life and not his brothers or their girlfriends.She said his uncle which is my mil brother thinks they won’t go ahead with anything and won’t go to court or anything because they like to threaten people but are tight and lazy. Plus if he has the baby with him he will struggle to look after him as his words were he’s bloody useless. But I’m not taking that as gospel because it’s better to be prepared for the worst. I’ve muted him now and asked his uncles girlfriend for some space because I don’t want to be overwhelmed with hearing everything and I don’t feel like I can trust anyone on that side anyway.

It sounds like you have a really good supportive (foster) mum, I’m glad she is there for you

"his parents paid for him to go because his mum said he needed a break before the baby came. It was just for him and not both of us" 😩May I never, ever become this type of mother. Wtaf.

Your husbands family sound awful but your foster family sound amazing. Rely on them during this tough period and you will be fine, whatever fine might look like one day. Because you are a great mother and you will do what’s best for you and your family

Oh boy, my first two are close together and when my second was a few weeks old, my DH got a letter from his mother and sister telling him to come and stay with them for a bit as he clearly needed a break and I'd be fine on my own with the kids. They are out there.

OP, I'm sorry you're going through all this, especially at this time that should be a happy time.

Your MIL said you have no idea how family works since you came from a difficult background with your biological parents? Well, my parents and my ILs are still married, I've been married a long time, so by your MIL's reckoning, I should know how families work. (Every family is different btw). My opinion is that your DH should have stayed with you to care for you and support you soon soon after the arrival of your baby. You should come first.

Your foster parents sound like wonderful people. I'm glad you have them in your life.

OP, My first thought was that you have a MIL issue, she doesn’t want to share her precious boy with anyone and is using your background to divide and conquer.

That said, your DH is not sticking up for you, wasn’t worried because you were hospitalised when he was away and couldn’t say to his family that he’d only pop in on his grandparents celebrations because you’re recovering from a c-section while looking after your newborn, then he’s an idiot.

Your FM sounds like a gem. Yes you’re going through a tough time, but you sound so strong and capable, you’ve got this. It won’t be easy at first but you will be alright in a while. Sending you big hugs 🫂

Well great for your sister. But this thread isn’t about her.

You need to block them all. If he wants contact he can go to a solicitor and to court. They are a bunch of racist, manipulative nutters.

YANBU

seems the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree in that family, he and his mum are a pair of wankers

That sounds super understandable, to be honest. Overdoing things at that stage can cause bleeding to pick up again as well, I had that issue, unfortunately.

Your FM sounds great, you will be fine with her support

II thiught the same.

I feel so anxious tonight with like health anxiety and I can’t sleep at all.

You are a lovely capable woman, who is perfectly able to manage as a single parent.

If you decide you would like to stay married, you will need to set some boundaries. He needs to tell his mum that he does not want her to utter a word against you to him, or other family members. That's extremely shocking and manipulative behaviour from her and he needs to be the one to stop her from doing it. She's jealous of you.

Your foster mum sounds like a lovely caring woman, who is also wise, so continue to lean on her for support.

Stay strong. You are a vulnerable young woman and this family are abusive. You will get through this, because if you can cope with care, you can cope with anything.

You deserve a partner who wants to help you and would shut down anyone who bad-mouthed you. Until then, being single is better than having a partner who leaves you feeling bad and unloved.

Sleep will be tricky for a while, and that’s okay. Rest your body where you can, even if you are not asleep. X

That really isn’t surprising given what you’ve been through the last few days. Is your FM awake, can you have a chat with her?

It's horrible being anxious and not able to sleep, it tends to feel worse at night. Are you on your own with the baby or is your FM still there? If you are own your own are you well enough to get something comforting like a hot drink and a snuggly blanket? Try this calming exercise:

Just focus on getting through the next few minutes. You don't have to solve anything right now.
Start with box breathing — do this four or five times:
Breathe in slowly through your nose for a count of four.
Hold for a count of four.
Breathe out slowly through your mouth for a count of four.
Hold for a count of four.
That's one box. Repeat until you feel your body start to settle.
Then try this body scan:
Lie down if you can, or sit somewhere comfortable. Close your eyes.
Bring your attention to your feet. Just notice them — any warmth, weight, or sensation. Don't try to change anything.
Slowly move your attention upward — calves, knees, thighs, hips. Pause at each place for a few breaths.
Continue up through your stomach, chest, hands, arms, shoulders. When you reach your shoulders, consciously let them drop away from your ears.
Move to your jaw — this is where a lot of us hold tension without realising. Let it soften. Let your tongue rest away from the roof of your mouth.
Finally rest your attention on your forehead and let it smooth out.
One last thing:
If thoughts come in — and they will — just notice them without following them. Imagine them as clouds passing across a sky. You don't have to engage with them tonight. They'll still be there tomorrow if they need attention. Right now your only job is to breathe and rest.
You don't have to fall asleep. Just rest. That's enough.

Hope you get some peace. Remember how much strength you have shown.

I have health anxiety following pregnancy too, it mostly gets worse from lack of sleep, try to put on Andrew Johnson medication for sleep or something similar, I visualise a happy place in the Forrest and try to picture being there taking thinks in. It sounds nuts but it can help slow your mind down. If your anxiety gets so bad make an appointment either GP, you are ok and doing amazing, you’ll get through this ❤️‍🩹

Big hug OP. I feel for you. It's his family that are toxic. DH leaving you twice now at Ur most vulnerable is disgusting behaviour.
You sound lovely and after all you have been through, don't deserve this. They should be bending over backwards to support and help you. Their behaviour is awful and weird tbh. I'm no lawyer but I don't think any court would support taking baby from you because you asked DH to be with you after major surgery and new baby. Xxx

I want to comment and say you are absolutely amazing and sound like a great mam. Please dont give him or his disgusting family who are outrageously toxic a chance ever again. Keep going. X

Sending you a big hug. You’re doing great and you sound like you’re going to be a wonderful mum. Your foster parents sound fantastic too ♥️

Rubbish. It took me 2 weeks just to be able to walk to the end of the road. And that was at a snails pace. CSection is major surgery. Add to that the sleep deprivation from a newborn. This slows recovery obviously. OP can do things at her on pace depending on how her body recovers

Dear OP, of course YANBU! His mother sounds like a real piece of work and he seems to lack the balls to stand up to her. No court would take custody from a woman on the basis of her needing help with a newborn after a caesarean. I knew women in such pain after their caesareans that they vomited upon standing up. You are completely justified in not feeling able to be alone right now. You have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Love, it’s not health anxiety it’s anxiety because your husband is acting like a little baby getting his mummy involved.
he needs to be home helping you right now, i had an emergency c section and it took me 6 months to heal I used to sleep on the sofa as I couldn’t manage the stairs for months and sounds like you have the same problem. Elective c sections are different but emergency ones are awful to recover from.
when he’s home tell him you’re aware of what his mother has been saying and ask him what’s he going to do about this serious lack of respect. Your a bloody good mother, and you don’t need this shit off his family and sounds like most of them disagree with it too if they are telling you so some lf them do have your back.

There's always one.