AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

No, of course he wouldn’t get residential custody of a newborn because you asked him to parent! It would work against him! He abandoned his newborn! What a cunt!

I wanted to say this. If my grandson were to do this I would be telling him to get back home pronto and cuddle my great grandchild.

Hugs to you OP. You have had major surgery and you need lots of care.

No, not at all. Unless there’s more to the story it is completely normal to be overwhelmed as a new mum. And tbh I still hate being left alone with our kids overnight, I get family to stay when my husband works away. I’m not incompetent and if we divorced I’d manage, of course, but I’m not 3 weeks pp. at 3 weeks pp I was a mess and had my mum/ his mum/
sibs helping at times too!

Asking for help is not a weakness, especially with a newborn. You deserve better.

Your husband shouldn’t have gone and left you. You aren’t unreasonable, he is for going. If this is true about your MIL, then she’s a nasty piece of work.

Your MIL sounds like a POS.

Also the commenter that said you shouldn’t be struggling so much after three weeks? Three weeks is nothing. I can’t believe he’s left you on your own over night at this point. Sorry but if he doesn’t stand up to his Mother, your marriage will be doomed.

Thank god.
I know this must be so hard, but you have made the bravest of decisions that you will realise will have saved you years of worse grief.
GP, health visitors, solicitors.
Show everyone all the texts.
Let everyone know exactly who these people are.
Keep posting, because we really are rooting for you.

Your DH needs to grow a pair and stand up to his mother! You are his family now. The fact he doesn’t seem to see that is a massive red flag. You should also be wary of the message you received saying MIL thinks you can’t cope with the baby - well intentioned or malicious and trying to cause trouble?

you poor, dear love. YOU sound completely reasonable, sane and lovely.
Your baby has a lovely mother.
Your FM sounds lovely and right-on. Cleave to her.
As other posters have said: you sound really strong and clear. Believe in yourself. Lean into the support FM is providing. She's your family.
Forge your new life without useless DH & his toxic fam (as you recognise, this was a repetition of early patterns, you won't do that again!)
Keep strong. You're on the right path.

Definitely not unreasonable at all! After my section which was also an emergency section I was soooo sore and needed help. Three weeks after mine was new year's Day and my hubbies family always go out for dinner on that day. My husband went for 3 hours (we agreed to it beforehand) and made sure to bring me a dinner and dessert home. His mum actually questioned why he was there!

I would be so mad if I were you OP!! The cheek of someone to send you a text message! You're just after having a baby! Some people are delulu honesty...

I have no doubt that happens often and its awful that it does but its also the case that so many are like this from the start and then you get people shocked that these men continue being useless once a baby arrives.

But you are right having a chaotic upbringing could indeed make things harder and harder to spot and that absolutely could contribute.

Well done OP. You’re worth far more than they have given you. He will start spouting lies soon saying you left him because he went to his grandparents wedding anniversary. He will probably tell people you’ve gone crazy and had a breakdown or something to cover his back.

Try not to let this get to you. Trust in your FM and friends.

@RudaRudoRude

You may want to consider either changing the locks/lock barrels or putting a chain on your door to prevent him from just walking in.

I know they say changing locks on the 'marital home' is questionable even if it's in your sole name and was your pre-marital residence. But I think it's better to ask for foregiveness than permission in your case.

What an awful man and parents in law, how selfish of them all
so glad you have your foster mum support
Considering he leaves you on your own anyway and punishes you for having a tough time, when anyone would need help, you are literally better off without him in your life at all

Oh well that makes all the fucking difference.

3 weeks post c-section he should not be leaving you on your own with the baby for more than a couple hours - even if it was a straightforward elective. The fact that you’ve been poorly and had an emergency make it even worse. It’s outrageous to me that he’s gone for a weekend away.

Disgusting!

I’ve had 2 c sections and healed pretty quickly. However I had an ovarian cyst removed (c section insicion) under GA and literally felt like I’d been hit by a bus for a good month after! Worst op I’ve ever had. Thankfully it was before I had dc otherwise I would have struggled.

They sound ghastly. I wouldn’t allow MIL to visit anymore.

What discusting horrible bullies they are. So glad you are seeing it is them and not you at fault, and you got your foster mother for support.

How ridiculous they think they would be the better choice for custody, when it is you that are staying with your child and dedicated to parenting, while he swans off on another break as if he has no responsibilities.

I'd unblock them and just mute notifications as it sounds like they are just handing you evidence that they are bad people. Take screenshots of messages in case they manage to delete them if it is on WhatsApp

Absolutely hate people who judge people on their family background, as if that was anything within your control. Fuck these judgemental scum, it sounds like you are worth 100× them.

Tell your health visitor what they are putting you through, show messages, be confident you got this and say you have a supportive network with your friend and foster mother. They can offer further support and advise and also provide evidence if needed that they have been causing distress and you are the 1 doing your very best. So sorry you are going through this. They think you are easy prey and they are superior, show them quietly and with dignity that you are not, you are strong and they underestimating you

What odd behaviour. If I was at a family gathering and a new dad turned up to party for the weekend, leaving his new born and wife at home (regardless of a c section, although this makes it worse) I would think he was bat sh!t crazy!!

Because I’m quite out spoken I think I would have said something actually as it’s awful.

Then add on the comments and the family behaviour….OP you are doing the right thing. Get as far away from these people as possible.

Well done, OP

you deserve to be first on his list, not last, as does his baby

I’m so sorry. They should feel completely ashamed of themselves (no doubt they won’t though) I’m so pleased that you have the support system around you that you ought to have been given by your in-laws and husband. Well done for believing them when they showed you who they really were, and thank goodness for the relative with a bit of integrity, and your fm. Wishing you the very best ❤️

I am 23, my husband is 30. I met him when I was 19 and I thought he was my hero because he was everything I ever dreamed of. We had a nice life together until I became pregnant and that’s when the issues started with his mum and dad.
My fm is an amazing lady who deserves recognition we tell her all the time she should have medals. My fd is also a really amazing man. They took me and my brothers and sisters when I was 7, we’d been in care for 2 years before that but had trouble getting any one to take us on permanently because 2 of my siblings have disabilities caused by FAS. They still has them living with them and adopted them formally which is why she is still in my life even though she has no responsibilities to me or my other siblings. They have 2 of their own birth children too. My fm liked my husband at the start too and thought he’d be a good man but she was upset about us having to get married and the things said once I was pregnant.
I had all my hopes ruined. I wanted my baby to have two continuous parents and grandparents, and all the support from people blood related to him. I think I’m more upset about that than anything else. I just wanted him to have the perfect start and family and now he’s not even a month old and this has been blown apart.
Honestly every post has made me cry but with the love in all your comments.

Wow that is absolutely awful. I honestly hope you're okay. They sound evil. I'm glad your friend got his stuff so he doesn't have an excuse to come back. I just cannot get my head around someone choosing their mummy over their partner who's just had major surgery and newborn baby.

OP I am just in shock at reading all of your posts. I’m so sad for you, I can’t believe you’ve been treated this way. Your baby will be absolutely fine even if the picture won’t look quite like you imagined because they will have you and you sound like a great mum x

Im so sorry you're going through this with such a young newborn.

You’re giving him the perfect start by showing him that it’s not okay for anyone to treat either of you like this, and that right from the beginning he had a support network around him that cared for him and his mum more than anything x