AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

I’m so sorry as well - I posted earlier as this is so awful. I can remember what I felt like at 3 weeks post cs - I’m horrified at how he and his disgusting family have behaved.

Thank God for your FM - lean on her and your friend, and try to get your head around moving towards divorce as you need to end this marriage. He does not deserve you.

I'm so sorry; this is is an unbelievable way for you to be treated by your husband and in laws. Please believe that you are worth so much more. I'm really relieved your FM is with you and is so brilliant. You will get through this with her care and support. Well done for moving so quickly to separate yourself from this awful man, by the way. You are stronger than you think to have done that.

You’re much, much stronger than you know, how lucky your baby is to have you. Take care of yourself and big hugs to you 💐

I’m struggling to find the words to contribute properly, but I just couldn’t read and run. OP my love, I am heartbroken for you. Congratulations on your gorgeous little bundle. Those newborn weeks are absolutely nuts, but it slowly slowly does get easier. I’m SO sorry your birth was fast and shocking and so different from what you imagined. That’s enough to contend with before you get to any of the rest of the shit you’re going through. It sounds like your FM is wonderful. Im really glad you’ve got someone in your corner right now. I don’t really have anything to add about your DH and MIL that hasn’t already been said, but suffice to say i don’t think they sound like kind, loving people at ALL. I’m sending so much love 💐💐💐

Your MIL is a real danger. What kind of mother gets upset because her post partum post-CS DIL needs support? In her shoes it wouldn’t cross my mind that my son should come to the event.

And He is totally inconsiderate of your needs. No backbone to have let his Mum’s ‘upset’ take priority over his wife’s needs at such a vulnerable time.

I would be having a very serious conversation with him.

Oh op thats even worse that he is 30. Your showing more maturity than him

Yes OP❤️❤️❤️ I’ve only just read your updates! You are incredible, strong and one heck of a mother! Leave and never look back, I did it when mine were little, 1 was newborn. MIL is a lunatic. You’ll be so much happier in life rather than dealing with these oddballs x

You are 3 weeks post partum. You don’t need this. I am so sorry that your dipshit of a husband didn’t put you first.

If your husband genuinely believes his mother, ask him to ask literally any other female who has had children what they think. Because a stranger in the street would say - you shouldn’t have left your wife 3 weeks postpartum after an easy breezy birth let alone an unplanned emergency section. Any mature man would also agree.

Do not let that woman into your home. You need a safe space to nest with your new baby. She is not safe for you whether she said that or not. I agree with other posters, bizarre she insisted her son avoided his responsibilities and went to a party instead.

It will hurt because you will have wanted him to want to stay at home and protect you and his baby. Sometimes men need that explained to them as daft as that sounds. I think, generally speaking, a good man will go into protector mode when the woman he loves says I’m scared, I need you to keep us safe and looked after. Then you find a way to work together to get to your common goal, which will likely be as simple as- surviving the first year of parenthood.

Hope you heal well. Xx

You are a very brave and strong woman, @RudaRudoRude. I admire your strength in acting quickly and decisively to save your baby and yourself from any further harm from your awful husband and family. Very glad you have FM on your side.

@RudaRudoRude You are incredible. Stay strong. You will be a wonderful mother to your baby!

You and your FM sound awesome, your “D”H and MIL horrendous. Hold your head high, kick him to the curb and have an amazing life with your little one

im so sorry you’re going through this but just wanted to add that it’s very rare for breastfed babies to have colic, have them checked for a tongue tie x

Your husband is a piece of shit.

You are amazing, and thank goodness you have the love and support from your Foster Mum.

Your D(ickhead) Husband is an absolute piece of trash.

Wow this is one of the worst things I've read on here.
I think you're coping amazingly.

Don't feel bad about the grandparents' anniversary - they could've had a nice one if your MIL and H had behaved normally - not your fault at all.

It's so sad this time with your newborn has been like this but I'm glad you have your neighbour and foster mum and other support. You deserve it.

At least this is happening now in terms of getting it over with rather than years of being treated appallingly by your H and your child witnessing it.

Your MIL sounds like a complete bitch. When he’s back, stay clear of her. Keep the message about what she has said so no-one can gaslight you if you raise it.

Op I don't even know what to say. I'm so glad you have your fm and fd there for support because you deserve support with this.

I hope you know that you are not the problem here. The way your husband has behaved is appalling and his mum is just as bad. The messages are abusive and it's a really good thing you've now got written evidence of that. Make sure you screenshot and email them to yourself (on an account he has no access to) for safe keeping.

There is not a chance any decent man would have left for the weekend after what you've been through - at the very least would he not be missing his tiny new baby after such a scare. He's a twat and you and your baby did not deserve this from him.

I ended up as a lone parent because of my husbands actions and I felt similarly initially, really devastated that my ds wouldn't have the family unit I'd planned for him. But that's my husbands doing not mine and my son is doing amazing just the two of us. What matters is having one parent who's stable and dedicated and meets their needs and you are totally capable of that because you've been doing it already despite the let down that your husband has been.

You are obviously an extremely strong and resilient person with a clear idea of what you want for your life, stand strong in that and take all the support going to help you do that.

And also, it's important to realise that you have been through something massive, your body is only in the early early stages of recovery, parenting is hard and colic is brutal. Ignore their criticisms you are allowed to find this tough, anyone would because it is. But you are also tough.

I have read all of your posts OP and I wanted to send you all my love and support. I am so sorry your husband has treated you and his baby so poorly.
I’m glad your fm is with you. Definitely don’t look at his messages for a day or two. I hope he grows up and supports you and his baby as needed. Focus on your baby for now, all else can wait. Much love xxx

Don’t worry OP, he will not secure care of baby. You have support from your FM too. It would take a while to get a first hearing if he applied to the court. IF he does seek custody then take legal advice. You’ll go to
mediation first. Awful MIL.

I'm really sorry but your FM is very right. You clearly got into a poor relationship with a shitty person (and family) because you were young and vulnerable - now you need to find a way to prioritise looking after your child's needs which means learning to look after your own needs. There is a phrase "put your own oxygen mask on first" from the safety talks on planes and its referenced more widely to refer to the need as a parent to be able to prioritse yourself so you have the capacity to also protect your child.

Note - there is no way in hell your texts asking for his help will mean he gets custody of a newborn - the opposite is true. The fact that he left you and the newborn when you asked for his help will look bad. Once the child is older and more independent he will be able to argue for shared custody but a newborn baby defaults to their mother even if you aren't breastfeeding.

In addition to separating from him and his abusive family - I suggest seeking counselling through your GP to re-establish your sense of self worth and support you through this difficult time.

Your foster mum is making me think about fostering myself. She truly sounds like one in a million.

Your baby will have a strong wonderful mother and that will be enough.
Your fm sounds like an amazing mum.
You can do this.

Speak to your Health Visitor about the lack of support from your dh, get it documented. Your HV may read him the riot act if she has anything about her.

Also this, and linking in with womens aid also wouldn't go amiss given the clear emotional abuse and gaslighting happening here.

My heart goes out to you @RudaRudoRude and your FM and FD are the people you can rely on now

Your DH and his parents are in no way deserving of a relationship with you and your DS. That your DH says he's considering seeking custody is an absolute joke when he abandoned his DW and newborn DC for a weekend jolly

You're doing the right thing by yourself and your DS by taking steps to end the marriage.
You deserve so much more and I wish you and your babby all the best X