AIBU to expect my husband to stay after an emergency caesarean?

[RudaRudoRude]

Name change as outing info before.
I had an emergency c section 3 weeks ago. Baby was 3 weeks early but fine. My DH has gone for the weekend to his parents for a large family celebration. I haven’t gone because I’m still really sore. I had the c section done with general anaesthetic as it was a real emergency they didn’t have time to do a epidural. I said to DH about him not going because I could do with help with the baby. I’m on my own and don’t have my own parents. His mum got upset so he’s gone there to the weekend party.
Now I’ve found out from a message from someone in his family who said to watch my back as my mil is implying that I can’t cope with the baby because I asked him to stay and he should look at leaving me and applying for custody.

I can cope with the baby, I was only asking him to stay because I really am sore and with having to do everything myself until Monday it feels a lot. I don’t know if I’m just hormonal or this isn’t fair. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to stay but was it?

Im guessing you and your husband are quite young and got married because you were pregnant?

Best thing is to call it a day. He isnt ready, he doesnt want a baby and his family sound awful

God what is it with so many women having babies with useless men. The fact that he chose a party over helping his wife who had major surgery 3 weeks ago is awful, he is a dick! Even if you felt ok, surely he should want to stay with you. Just the fact his Mum having a grump over him not going was enough to sway him to go, is ridiculous.

I think I would unblock MIL and FIL. Mute notifications from them and get your FM to check your phone for you, so you dont have to see them, at least that way you have evidence of their harassment that you can take to the police if needed.

God what is it with people not realising that abuse most often begins in pregnancy and post partum? That these men often dont show their true colours until the woman is well and truly trapped? That they dont start out as useless, otherwise no one would ever give them the time of day!

Well perhaps OP could confirm if he was this wonderful loving Husband prior to pregnancy and I shall apologise for being absolutely wrong if so, but most of the time they were twats from the start, they just become worse when they realise they cant demand all the attention.

This is sounding more like someone who is more bothered about what their Mum thinks than worrying about their child and wife, I am sure there were likely signs of that prior but again happy to apologise if OP says otherwise.

@Hankunamatata, I don’t think you can have read all the OP’s posts. She has mentioned that she met her now husband shortly after she came out of the care system, which I presume was when she was 18. She has been with him for 4 years and his parents insisted they get married when they found out she was pregnant ("My father in law wasn’t happy as the pregnancy wasn’t planned and we weren’t married, my husband then said we had to get married because his dad said this didn’t happen to people like them.”) So that would make the OP 23 or 24, maybe? And the marriage a “shotgun” one.

Bless you this sounds awful three weeks after having your baby and a c-section, I can’t believe your MIL would be so unkind and insensitive. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing seeing a solicitor, keep everything as proof. Hope it all works out for you.

You poor soul, I really feel for you my lovely. Your MIL is a narcissistic twat, and your husband is no better either.
The final week's of pregnancy are not fun especially with you been poorly etc. I'd of being livid if my husband had done that to me. And also going away three weeks after a traumatic birth.

Make sure you've got all the messages that his mother had been sending him and what they've sent you.

Sending you a hug. And just remember you've got this.

My first was an emergency C section years ago. Pain was awful. Took me about a month before I could stand upright. My sympathies are with you.

@RudaRudoRude I agree with this poster. I am so so sorry that you are in this position. I was in a similar position many, many years ago and it's horrible. But you can do this without him, even if it's very hard. You do not deserve to be treated like this and it sounds like your PILs are never going to accept you and want the two of you to split up. You'll be well out of it. He won't have a hope in hell of getting full custody of a newborn baby being breastfed. Keep copies of all the text messages etc as you may need them during the divorce. So glad your FM is helping you this week. She sounds lovely.

Bloody hell your husband is nasty and as for your MIL just wow!!

You deserve so much better than these toxic arseholes.

Please throw him out and never let him back in. He’s easily left his 3 week old baby and so I don’t think you need to worry about him getting full custody. Please screen shot those messages.

No, he could not! I would definitely start considering leaving this marriage. You’re 3 weeks PP after major surgery, you should not be worrying about this! Fuck him, and fuck his mum. I hateeee this so much! Speak to your HV, mine was amazing with support as I had a few issues, nothing quite like this shit and lack of support though. They wouldn’t get very far, just watch what you say and only confide in friends in the mean time about how you’re feeling. I would (personally) confront DH (Dickhead Husband, not Darling) and MIL about what was said. Also, the person said that the MIL was telling DH this in front of family members, I’d love to know what his response was to this. Keep your head up❤️x

How awful poor you. No court is going to give custody to a man who left his wife and newborn 3 weeks after a caesarean section and then sent her abusive messages.
Well done for not letting his come back.

You sound a bit like you’re breaking or broken being this judgey!!

I absolutely would not confront till much much later down the line. Just keep the evidence and move on. She’s vulnerable, she needs support and to focus on recovery, the baby and getting her life together. Not to start a brawl, as that’s what would happen.

I would say there is/was an unhealthy guilt trip going on. For some reason your husband felt his Mum was more vulnerable. Mind blowing but I think he’s been massively manipulated all his life to have acted this way.

The OP has made it clear that she came from a very chaotic background, it seems that the only stability she had was from her last foster mother, so what may stand out as a red flag to you or I may well have gone over her head as "normal". Also, I married a very abusive man, was he abusive before we married? No or I wouldnt have married him, but it gradually got worse and worse until he beat me so badly I almost died, thats how it happens most of the time. No man starts out being overtly abusive, as they have to ensnare their victim first with the "perfect" version of themselves that gradually disappears as she gets more and more trapped.

I don't understand why they are so horrible and yet want custody. You are well out of it. Can you get help and support from anyone else? Great that your fm has been supporting you. I wish you well x

This!! Who gives a flying fuck about his grandparents anniversary, maybe him and his fucking mother shouldn’t be repulsive, abusive arseholes?! None of this is your fault, none of the support you’re asking for is unreasonably and, frankly, he should want to be there with you and your baby, both for support but also because he’s the parent too. Useless prick. Ok so annoyed on your behalf, how dare they treat you this way?!

My DH did not leave my side for 6 weeks after my c-section. It was unreasonable for your DH to go and outrageous for your MIL to say such nasty things. Has she met her grandchild yet?

I definitely would be asking why she said those things, and recording everything that was said. Sometimes, standing your ground with people like this is the best thing you can do. It absolutely does not have to turn into a brawl. I’d be asking her specifically what she meant by ‘not being able to cope with the baby’. The chances are, the only answer(s) to this question is - OPs mobility, the lack of desire to sit in pain at a family event, and the fact that OP wasn’t thrilled to be left alone post op with a new baby for days (who would be?). Which in turn would go in OPs favour in the future if necessary.

Good shout.

Then I'd forward that to husband and MiL and say WTF? I can cope fine without you don't come home. A man who can leave you and his baby alone at this point isn't worth having

Sweetheart the best thing is to call it a day now - you are doing exactly the right thing. You’re so strong.

RED FLAGS! He’s a mummy’s boy and is thinking of her before you. What a prick. Shame you didn’t know this before having a baby. I’m sorry. :-(