the behaviour of most men

[notevensurprised]

I’m in my 50s.

Almost all important and non important men in my life, have disappointed me in catastrophic ways. Some directly treating me badly. Some indirectly by treating people I love badly.

I’m at the stage where the scales have fallen from my eyes. Not just fallen, but disappeared into a black hole. I know this happens for many women in perimenopause. I know we suddenly look up and around at this age and we are absolutely done with tolerating bad behaviour.

Some of my own personal stories relating to bad behaviour from men relate to verbal and physical abuse, financial and economic abuse, infidelity and cheating, inequality within the home in terms of chores and life admin, inequality in the workplace and in salaries.

I am just so done.

I’ve been devastated by the actions of my own DF, my own DH, ex BFs, uncles, cousins, friends.

There was one remaining man who I held in high esteem my entire life. BIL of decades. The brother I never had. I learnt recently he has cheated for years. When my DSIS told me, it was just like the last remaining shred of… I can’t even think of the word…. died within me.

It could not be more shocking in terms of who he appears to be from the outside. And yet I am numb.

The world seems to be run and controlled by lunatic men at the moment and this is just the icing on the cake.

This final revelation means I have zero belief in the goodness of any man any longer. I was holding on to it by a shred anyway.

AIBU to feel that the majority of men are cheating, abusive, lazy, weak willed, insecure, selfish, overpaid, mediocre, disrespectful fools?

It would be sad if those feelings didn’t usually (not always , feel like I have to specify now) translate to a hatred of women. Then it becomes scary.

Some men...Yes
All men .....no
I was let down spectacularly by my exh but other than that the males in my life have been strong' dependable men.
My father and my uncles (all on their 80's now) have all had wonderful marriages and raised happy families. My Father is still.one of my main confidants and ihas been so patient, loving and wise with all of his children and grandchildren. Male cousins have done the same. My brother in law has stepped up supported my sister and their children through her ill health with love and humor and my husband of 25 years is my absolute best friend and soul mate. I have many friends who have happy marriages with great blokes.
Im sorry you have experienced this but I feel making generalisations like this are incredibly unfair.

That's not a fair comparison. Women have much less power than men in patriarchy. So, if you want to compare, it would be any minority who mistrust or gets annoyed with the majority and it's always understandable when framed in that way.
Ultimately, the only rights we have, we've had to fight for and very few/no men have tried to do that for us.

when I read your rantings, it's obviously not about luck at all. I wouldn't put up with bullying from a man, I am certainly not putting up with bullying from the likes of you.
Being a woman doesn't excuse us from taking any responsibility. Which most of us do. 💐

You’re not being unreasonable, it’s true. Most people underestimate how widespread toxic behaviour among men can be but you’re awake to it now. It takes a certain level of insight to recognise how deeply ingrained some of these problems are.

Most people are unable, many unwilling to see it. Most of the mumsnet crowd arent going to have the intellectual depth to recognise it.Society isn’t ready to confront that reality, not in this lifetime.

So what now. By all means, give up on them for now. Take a break if that’s what you need. Just don’t dwell on it—doing that only gives them more power over your life. In time, you’ll probably feel ready to dip your toe back in again. And when you do, remember that good ones do exist.

I am feeling very similar about men these days so personally I would say YANBU. My dad is lovely & the best grandad ever, but even he has his faults. My husband is pretty decent, a good guy overall but he’s certainly had his moments over the years too. Pretty much all other men in my life have upset me, let me down, been awful to me, abusive, manipulative, angry, made me feel worthless or an inconvenience. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’m probably a pain & deserve some of it but I’ve never been violent or manipulative or abusive. I also feel a huge power shift & manipulation from the whole of the male community in power at the minute, like they are trying to send women’s rights in to a backslide & all the awful things these powerful men have done (Epstein etc)! Then there’s things like the manosphere which is scary stuff. Then they are trying to twist it onto women & make us feel guilty about a ‘male loneliness endemic’. Eye roll. I also know it’s not all men but I do feel a bit jaded by the male population right now

You’re funny. Please explain how I’m not taking responsibility and what I’m not taking responsibility for.

I agree completely. Currently in the midst of a divorce and will never trust another man…

Every man in my life - father / brother / other brother / 1st love / husband…. Each and every one let me down badly in so many different ways.

You just sound unfortunate. I know some men who are arseholes and so are some women. My dad is a bit of an idiot but my DH, brother, BIL etc are all lovely. My MIL and my own mother however are questionable.

Most men put their dick above everything else. They're just going through the motions being a partner or father or whatever, waiting for the next opportunity for sex.
Many of them will cheat, rape or even kill to satisfy their kinks and desire for sex. You only need to follow the trial of Preston Davey's murderers to see that there is no limit to how low they will sink.

Hadn’t thought of that. Good point.

Agree. I recently read Andrea Dworkin’s Right Wing Women and it’s scarily accurate. It’s full of descriptions of the exact kinds of comments littering this thread. Most women know they can’t afford to hold men to a higher standard, so they don’t. Instead, they come up with a thousand justifications for the status quo.

But again, I would say they are lovely to you. You have nothing that they want. They’re not trying to fuck you.
I wonder if they’re lovely to people they’d like to fuck and can’t

The only decent man I have known well was my grandfather... but I only knew him in terms of being my grandfather. I admit I have no idea what went on in other parts of his life, I couldn't know those parts of him in the same way the mothers of lovely kind boys on this thread cannot know how they behave in an intimate relationship. They would never be privy to that kind of behaviour.

Are you worried your mum and Mil might hit you or sexually assault you. Are you concerned about their sexualised behaviour around young boys or your own boy children

I don't disagree as I think the majority of men are shit and I include my DF and DB in this statement, however my DS and myself have been so lucky as we are both married to wonderful men. My DH is so kind and thoughtful and my BIL is the same. I think DS and myself went for the opposite of the men we grew up with.

But those data include minor motoring offences.

I agree. At 47 i've come to realise that all my father figures who ought to have nurtured me have let us down, my grandfather, father and, catastrophically, stepfather. I'm certain i therefore displayed "daddy issues" and made bad choices throughout my life for which repercussions are ongoing. However, i do have a good life and a lot to be thankful for. I have one son who i'm desperately trying to raise differently.

blimey

I am not worried that the men around me might hit or sexually assault me, my sons or my daughters! If I was worried, I would not be around them. I wouldn't let my kids have male coaches either, go on sleepover with a dad in the house, or go on school/ sport trips with male!

I am not worried that women around me might poison me or start an anonymous hate campaign against me either, or whatever things some women accuse the other ones of doing.

Would I be worried they spent too much time with some of the posters on here who are unhinged? Yes, that I would. I'd feel unsafe around them 😂

Imagine if our legal system was that twisted: being accused of denying "evidence" when there are literally NONE.

The point i was making was that I'm guessing your female relatives are not physically threatening to you. But you dont like them in comparison to male relatives, who can do all of those things but as they dont to you they are great.

but my male relatives are not physically threatening to me either?

i don’t think you are unlucky nor wrong - this is just how it is. I have similar experience - know many awesome women and barely one decent man.. (same applies to most of my friends - similar ratio in their personal experiences).

everyone deals with this differently. Personally, I try to avoid men and if I cannot - keep them at distance.. with exceptions of course - like my brothers (they are not perfect) but I do believe their imperfections will not be shown to me and they will only treat me well.

I find women are more dependable, better and more reliable workers etc. with men there is always trying to show off / pretend / suck up. There are of course not great women but % wise - much less :)

the fact that Ghislaine is the only one in jail over Epstein saga is the only fact anyone needs to see and understand and think about accountability of men and women..

btw I don’t hate men - I just don’t see them as ‘safe’ and prefer to interact less. but sometimes they cannot be avoided and then I do play with their behaviour (only when provoked :)). This is in relation to professional relationships, in work. So tiring always to take the high road. I ‘help’ them to walk in the trap they try to build for me.. never an aggressor…

Never a truer word said. I used to be a primary school teacher. I could write a book on the stories from women in that era. I never once had a man come to my classroom weeping in tears that they couldn’t afford school shoes because their ex was withholding money or was lying about their self employed income to avoid paying child maintenance. It was always the women. Without exception. Day one of teaching, I had a child in my class weeping because their dad was carted off by the police in the middle of the night for murdering someone. In twenty years in education I never ever had this from a woman.

Such a load of rubbish. Harold Shipman
killed for years. No red flags before he was found out. BIL - zero flags. Literally none.

In 20 years of solo parenting, and living in a few different places, I've only ever met one single dad.