the behaviour of most men

[notevensurprised]

I’m in my 50s.

Almost all important and non important men in my life, have disappointed me in catastrophic ways. Some directly treating me badly. Some indirectly by treating people I love badly.

I’m at the stage where the scales have fallen from my eyes. Not just fallen, but disappeared into a black hole. I know this happens for many women in perimenopause. I know we suddenly look up and around at this age and we are absolutely done with tolerating bad behaviour.

Some of my own personal stories relating to bad behaviour from men relate to verbal and physical abuse, financial and economic abuse, infidelity and cheating, inequality within the home in terms of chores and life admin, inequality in the workplace and in salaries.

I am just so done.

I’ve been devastated by the actions of my own DF, my own DH, ex BFs, uncles, cousins, friends.

There was one remaining man who I held in high esteem my entire life. BIL of decades. The brother I never had. I learnt recently he has cheated for years. When my DSIS told me, it was just like the last remaining shred of… I can’t even think of the word…. died within me.

It could not be more shocking in terms of who he appears to be from the outside. And yet I am numb.

The world seems to be run and controlled by lunatic men at the moment and this is just the icing on the cake.

This final revelation means I have zero belief in the goodness of any man any longer. I was holding on to it by a shred anyway.

AIBU to feel that the majority of men are cheating, abusive, lazy, weak willed, insecure, selfish, overpaid, mediocre, disrespectful fools?

Do most men need to be criminals for us to be fed up? Or can we just be fed up that they are far far far more likely to do virtually anything illegal as well as bombarding us with a spectrum of shitty-but-not-illegal behaviour as well?

I don't recognise my partner in any of this either.

Possibly because your partner isn’t ’all men’?

Well that's the premise of the thread that most men are bad which I think is false.

Women restrain their selfishness and moderate their behaviour more than men. We are socialised to be kind and nice and put others first in ways men are not. If we deviate from the rules the judgement is harsher so we toe the line and do the right thing. It's not a great for us, but it does turn us into better people.

Sadly not in my experience

I think you need to chill out a bit, a fair chunk of women cheat, or have cheated in the past. Many reading this thread and voting yanbu probably.

I'm sorry that has been your experience. I'm 55 and I've certainly met some awful men in my time, and plenty of awful women too. The men in my life - my lovely late dad never let me down and was always my staunchest supporter. My husband of 36 years has been by my side through good times and tragedies and is unfailingly kind and supportive. My 5 wonderful sons who bring such joy into my life. I have male cousins and uncles who are good husbands and fathers. A handful of male friends who I think are kind and decent men.

So my experience of men has been very different to yours. I do think that men are responsible for most of the terrible happenings in the world - society is structured to give men power and power ultimately corrupts. But there are plenty of decent men out there still.

Wow. I know of men who have done bad things and one or two who have done bad things to people I directly care about. I know far, far more men who are decent, kind, patient and caring. They’re not perfect, they are decent human beings. I also know several decent people who have done uncharacteristically bad things on occasion.

This is making me genuinely think I should stay with my dp even though I’m not 100 percent happy
There are so many issues but I know he would never cheat. . (He never goes anywhere - this is one of the issues! He hates when i go out! But I know he wouldn’t cheat ….)

Of course it’s not all men, but it is TOO many men.
Too many men:
Murder
Rape and sexually assault
Abuse(financially, physically, emotionally etc)
Use prostitutes, go to strip clubs, only fans etc.
Use porn, especially degrading/abusive porn
Are misogynistic
Lie and cheat
Don’t pull their weight as a partner or parent
Abandon their children
Promote mysoginistic and sexist tropes
Feel entitled to a woman’s time and attention , never mind her body
Make jokes about anything and everything from fuckability to rape
Don’t challenge other men when they exhibit the previous behaviours.

I know MN is full of “not my Nigel”, but it has to be someone’s Nigel given the headlines, crime statistics, prison population etc.

We all know the crimes which are held up by a majority of men and yet when a woman says she’s been affected by it and it’s tarnished her view of men a few women come on to say how wonderful ALL the men are in their lives.

My dh, son and dad are lovely. I don’t know about the rest of them. There is a chance they are not. I wouldn’t tell a woman she’s being unreasonable when she’s obviously seen the worst of men in her life.

Why not just be on your own and be out whenever you want? You don’t HAVE to be with a man.

I don’t want to be on my own forever
I want someone, and it sounds like I won’t get any better

These threads genuinely make me feel sad Sad for my 3 lovely sons who are not angels but good decent men, who do their best to work hard and be decent citizens, sad for my lovely DH who isn't perfect but is always there for me. Sad for my late DF who was my biggest cheerleader and also the biggest cheerleader for my Mum and all his grandchildren. Sad for all the many male friends I have had over the years, that have never once crossed any boundaries with me.

It also makes me feel - not even sure what the right word is- ugly, inadequate, I don't know, when I have maintained close friendships with men , going out to lunch, for coffee or the cinema or whatever, just as I would with a female friend and not once have any of them tried anything on , or tried to take it further despite most people on here saying its not possible to have friendships with men because they always want something more. That's just my experience though and I guess it's different for everyone. The worst bosses I have ever had have all been women who want to go far but don't care who they trample on to get to the top, or a couple of men who wanted to be everyone's mate so would just agree to everything despite how it would effect the rest of the team. By that I mean things like never refuse anybody annual leave even if there was already more than the allotted number of people off .

Wow, this is one fucked up message. Your first instinct is to feel sorry for men, and your second instinct is to feel sorry for yourself that they haven’t hit on you inappropriately?

Why are you sad for them? No one is chasing them with a pitchfork or accusing them of anything.

As for feeling sad for yourself because you haven’t been at the receiving end of shitty behaviour from men, that is a special kind of fucked up. Lucky you! Guess some of us pulled the short straw and took one (or 5o) for the team.

Not to mention that every single of the nine males on my “list” ( that’s the worst behaviours) were someone’s lovely, polite, decent, amazing, well respected son, grandson, nephew, husband, father, friend , role model etc. Salt of the earth really. Until they weren’t.

No I don't feel sad because I am not on the receiving end of shitty behaviour, what I am trying to say is if all men are shits and only want to be friendly towards women in order to get something sexual from them, which is what the majority of MN think, then what is wrong with me that makes them not behave like that towards me. Either they are all shits and I'm not worth the effort of even shitty men or obviously they aren't all shitty. Now I would like it to be the latter of those 2 things, but threads like these make me question that.

This. This is exactly it. I’ve found that the majority ‘present’ well to the world. Most men’s behaviour socially, or at work, has very little connection to the list of bad behaviour I mentioned in my opening post. I agree that men can be ok to work with and/or for. This is completely besides the point. My point is that regardless of the way they present to the outside world, or their friends and family, the majority are in fact, behind closed doors, pretty awful individuals. My BIL is the most amazing person - except he actually isn’t. And I thought he was amazing for 30 plus years. Men are capable of the most heinous behaviour in a way most women are not. And they don’t lose any sleep over it. I once asked a cheating partner if he thought of me at all when paying prostitutes for sex. He said not at all. Because he assumed I’d never find out so I’d never be hurt. I couldn’t decide whether i was offended that he thought I’d never find out, or impressed by his optimism. I told him if I ever suspected anything I would leave no stone unturned investigating. He was so thick as mince with it that I only had to try a little to catch him out. It’s pathetic.

The way men give the game away is so textbook, I cringe on their behalf. They aren’t even good at being shit human beings. They leave a trail of evidence.

Op you might enjoy First Ladies film on Netflix

YABU unreasonable op. Only because you don’t need to spend 10 minutes on here to realise it’s not just men….most people don’t give a shiny shite about anyone else. Women might dress it up better, but fundamentally? Most people lack emotional intelligence and self awareness. And they don’t even know it. Terrifying but true.

Thank you!

I see what you mean a little. But when it comes to violence, not pulling their weight at home, cheating, and putting their hobbies first - I think most men are worse than women by a country mile.

Well yeah, people suck. No shit Sherlock. However it’s a certain subset of people who are predominantly responsible for violence, murder, rape , sexual assault etc. Take a guess which one.