Should our 10-year-old contribute to replacing the broken car charge cover?

[Bdayupset]

Hi. Dd, 10, broke the cover off the electric charge point on our lease car. She was playing football right next to the car, even though there is a field joined onto our driveway. Literally, 2 steps away. Where they usually play football.

I suggested she could help me around the house today, but she just sulked off. Also, she didnt tell us about the breakage, we had to find it ourselves.

She gets £5 a week pocket money. Should we make her pay for the replacement? It will be bloody £118! We've already had a lot of expenses come up this month, and spent a lot of money ok them (2 ds also) as it's been half term.

What would you do?

Thanks!

I’ve lost track of the amount of things that have been broken by errant footballs- fence posts, plant pots, even a window. Comes with the territory of having kids in my book. None of them were deliberate. I never punished the kids for it and as a result they were always honest about it.

Sounds like a shame response to me when she sulked off instead of doing the chores you suggested. I suggest you read some Brenee Brown and start working on helping her with this. Otherwise she will end up being one of those people who can't take responsibility for anything (i live with one, I should know!).

Thing about docking pocket money is that it is dead easy for you and it looks like "good" parenting but actually it sounds to me that your daughter needs more from you. You can still be a good parent without dishing out consequences for everything.

Personally I would take her for another chocolate and sit across the table, one on one, with her, and talk to her about it. She may find this more uncomfortable than losing a bit of pocket money and it will have more impact. You can discuss what she can do to make some repairs to you, but that would be chores for me, or an earlier bedtime, less screen time. Taking away pocket money is severe - they are so powerless at 10 and pocket money is so valuable. Use this incident as a way to bond with her, not make her bitter with you.

This ffs of course.. it was a bloody accident!

Insist she helps to pay her debt … why on earth did you let her off? … but ultimately you'll have to pay for it.

I think the key is how you deal with it. As she’s gone off sulking I suggest that perhaps it could have been handled better.

What does the daughter think is fair?

I agree with docking a couple of weeks to
put toward it as a consequence and be clear that if she had owned up to it straight away you’d have been less likely to expect a contribution.

We had to dock our child’s birthday money, which felt harsh, but he threw a pen so hard it damaged the walls, floor bedding and curtains in his room that will cost a lot to rectify and it’s far from the first incident of property damage, so we felt it was appropriate in those circumstances. He didn’t have any consequence for breaking a window kicking a football in the garden because my DM let him do it whereas we don’t (very narrow garden with low fences and he’s very careless with it so we ended up ruling it out and getting lots of other garden games).

Given , as you say, she has gone off sulking, why is it the OP at fault? The daughter didn’t admit what she had done and then she went off in a huff.

Why does she get a say in what’s fair?

Oh my god she’s 10 and it was an accident!! Kids that age aren’t always logical and the distance from playing to the car clearly wasn’t considered.

Have you made her buy new kitchenware and crockery sets when she’s dropped plates when she’s been a bit younger too?

Has she financed your new sofa when spilling a drink?

This will make her not want to tell you stuff if you punish her for a mistake. The fact she didn’t confess is an issue and based on your behaviour, I’m not surprised honestly.

The fault is yours for letting her ‘sulk off’ at the thought of chores. She’s 10, not sure any of them would be enthusiastic. It’s for you to say “get back here or I will confiscate your football…” Why did you let her get away with that in the first place? I would likely make her do some chores because she still needs to regardless of the accident.

I imagine your daughter didn't tell you because she was scared of your reaction.
Kids, indeed most of us, have accidents occasionally don't we? With respect, if you're that worried about £118, perhaps you are overstretching yourself financially with the lease car and taking your stress out on your daughter.

If only Boris Johnson and Liz Truss had been held to the same standards as some of the children on here, and been made to pay for the consequences of their actions, out of their own money. (Johnson is rich enough to pay a million or two, or three, towards his collateral damage.)

Not for any accident, no.

Maybe 2 weeks worth, but the whole thing is far too expensive for someone 'earning' £5 a week.

Im wondering how you reacted when you found out - might explain why she isn't comfortable telling you things.
If you do take the full amount, I doubt she'll be telling you things in future either.

Exactly. We have a completely open policy at our house. We’ve always been light on punishment but as a result we got full honestly about pretty much everything from the children growing up. Stuff happens in life and I wouldn’t take the children’s money away myself. I don’t want them to hide things like the OP’s daughter for fear of punishment. I want them to apologise and try harder and learn not to do it again. Knowing that their error cost me over £100 was enough to make them think twice about doing something like to again.

that said, I never made my children do anything called chores at home. The kids just did what needed to be done when things needed doing. Dishwasher full, empty it, put clothes away, tidy room etc. none of those were ever called chores. They just did it because it needed doing.

The parents are responsible for the the child not feeling like they could tell them. Probably because the consequences are clearly too harsh.

It’s for you to say “get back here or I will confiscate your football…” Why did you let her get away with that in the first place?

Out of interest, why is it OK to confiscate her football but not her pocket money?

Because you can give the football back and it’s a limited time period as a repercussion of her not doing what’s been asked of her.

Taking money permanently for an accident is both a different reason and justification.

Me saying I don’t charge my child for accidental breakages is not remotely comparable to saying it’s the Wild West with no discipline and rules.

This

If the field is only two steps away then surely it’s something that could happen easily from anyone playing football on the field?
Yes, I think I would deduct something from her pocket money, especially if you had warned her not to play there. But I wouldn’t go over the top, like expecting her to pay for months and months. Perhaps she didn’t think it would break easily. She was careless rather than deliberately destructive which makes a difference I think.

I think you forgot that you’re the adult and you’re in charge. Why did you let her play football next to your car? Why didn’t you tell her you required her to assist with the chores? Why did you allow her to sulk off? You are the parent so you should behave accordingly. It was an accident that you allowed to happen. I wouldn’t punish the accident but I would deal with the behaviour that followed it. She didn’t own up to the breakage. She needs to know that being truthful is important and that if you ask her to do something it isn’t optional.

She's 10 it was an accident point out the error of her ways tell her off for it but I wouldn't be making her pay. If you can't afford to fix things on a lease car then don't have a lease car.

I have 4 kids. Age 14 to 6. They do not behave like that. If they break something, they tell me and apologise, not sulk off and give me attitude.

If they did give attitude over it, they would be docked half their pocket money every week until its repaid.

If they were apologetic and offered to contribute, I would probably say don't worry about it or dock them £10 to £20 depending on what it was and whether it was obviously preventable or they had been told before not to play there.

It's the attitude that is disgusting.

I agree 100%. Couldn’t put it better.
Some really weird comments on here.

Maybe start with what you want. If you want a daughter who owns up to making mistakes, takes responsibility and thinks about how to make things right, and feels confident coming to you when something’s gone wrong or she’s messed up, this is an opportunity to take a big step towards achieving that. She’s 10, and this is a fantastic learning opportunity for both her and you. Currently she is not demonstrating the behaviour you’d hoped for. It’s now about what you do now to help her get there, and my personal view is that punishment is unlikely to achieve anything very positive. You need to separate out your financial issues from her behaviour. If you could sit down with her and have a positive conversation that goes look, this thing happened, and accidents happen in life - it’s how we deal with them that matters. What worries me most is that you didn’t feel able to come to me to say what had happened. Ask her how that feels, and listen to what she says. Talk about how much you want to be the person that she can always come to as she grows up - and be honest if you may have made it harder for her to come to you, because reflecting on your behaviour is important here. It’s not about mistakes not having consequences. You can talk about what she feels might be appropriate as a consequence for her mistake in playing too close to the car with her football, if she has actually previously been told that she shouldn’t play there. (If she hasn’t been told that, there are no consequences because she did nothing wrong. At 10, it’s a straightforward accident). But I would be inclined to think with a clear head about the consequences of what you do here, because incidents like this shape relationships going forward.

sure. standards for punishing a child who had an accident

It was an accident, but she doesn’t seem that bothered by it

I would possibly give a half pocket money for 2 to 3 weeks to show an impact

Especially if she doesn’t normally play there