Partner's ex-wife said I crossed a boundary. AIBU? Please help.

[stclementeee]

Hi,

I've been with my partner for just under 3 years. He has 2 children from his prior marriage. They are 19 and 15. The 19 year old is a boy and the 15 year old is a girl.

The girl was spending the day at her Dad's house and got a splinter under her foot. I'm a surgeon (only saying so because I have a steady hand) and so I offered to remove the splinter from under her foot. I did so - and it was removed without too much hassle. Whole thing took about 90 seconds. She thanked me and was happy.

We carried on with the day.

She went home to her mother's house - and her mother texted my partner saying I had 'crossed a boundary' in removing the splinter from under her daughter's foot. I asked my partner to clarify if the daughter felt I had crossed a boundary - or if the mother did. He clarified that it was only his ex-wife. The daughter was perfectly happy.

I don't have kids of my own - so can please I seek advice/asked if I did indeed cross a boundary...? To be clear, as a Dr, I'm obviously trained in safeguarding etc... I do not touch people without consent!

So sorry to hear this. It must be draining to live like that - but as you say - there's nothing you can do about it - so you have to learn to not be arsed with it all.

I never had any repeated issues in this dynamic |'m in. Hence the shock of this weird situation.

I see you’ve had some flak; I did initially have a few questions in my mind too — as a non doctor all we read in the media is that being a surgeon is basically hard as nails, especially for women, as there are some massive egos around and the work is extremely challenging and difficult as well as the environment. So I was surprised someone with such a challenging profession would put up with such utter nonsense from this child’s parent to the extent of questioning her own perfectly sensible and helpful actions. But I guess anything is possible with the difficult politics of step parenting. Yanbu of course and her feelings aren’t valid they are probably motivated by jealousy more than anything else.

@hallenbad Hi. Thanks for your comment. It's more that BECAUSE of my profession that we take safeguarding so seriously - so that anyone thinking I had crossed a line is a real problem for me GIVEN my line of work. Turns out, the ex-wife wasn't concerned about the consent/safeguarding part - which was my initial thought... so I'm still confused as to why/where/how I crossed a line. I genuinely would love to know - from parents (biological, step and adoptive) and what their thoughts are/were. Hence my post.

That said, I deal with clarity, logic and facts - and as is known, you can't deal with crazy! So it's not really about 'Doctors must be smart!' or 'I thought Doctors would know better' - but more - where does one start with something so absurd...?! To clarify (as I said in my initial post), I don't have kids of my own - which is (also) why I posted.

I totally agree RE: the politics step-parenting! You are definitely right!

You are not unhinged. Honestly it says far more about the people making these comments then their comments say about you. My guess is either failed med students or bitter ex wives.

You're a surgeon and you gave first aid. The perfect person to do so safely.

You relieved her of her pain and the possibility of infection .

She gave consent, which she is competent to do at her age.

You did the wise and practical and lawful thing.

Her mother on the other hand is jealous that you helped her daughter and is lashing about trying to find something to hit you with.

There's probably a good reason she's his ex.

Ex wife obviously a crazy jealous drama queen and trying to find issues where there aren't any! If you weren't capable of removng the splinter and the daughter had gone to hospital she would probably accused your husband of failing to look after her properly and consulted a solicitor!!

She sounds loopy! Perfectly reasonable, humane, kind thing to do for a step child. Are you supposed to say no and watch the child hobble around, or the area become infected. How strange!

Sounds like she is a mum who is struggling with the idea of her children having a relationship with another woman who could be seen as a mother figure. She should be grateful that you helped her and perhaps kept those niggles to herself. Perhaps ex needs to reassure her that you are not trying to step on her toes and was purely helping their DD .

@stclementeee

Good for you! And Jeez, you’ve received unnecessary flack here!

Even if the child was 5 and had a splinter, most normal people would be appreciative that someone gave enough of a dam about humans to have removed a splinter!!

Doctors train on to become surgeons, so OP is technically both, if you like. Not sure the nickpick was relevant….

Is the ex wife called Marcellus Wallis?

No different for a 3 yo, best interest decisions on anyone who lacks capacity for that particular decision.

I'd just want someone to help my child, and you're not just a random stranger on the street. I'm assuming it's more like the ex is jealous that her DD likes and appreciates you.

Tell the mother to feck right off! She just wants to start a row for the sake of starting a row!
Medical professionals trumps absent parent in this case, and anyone with common sense will agree. Was the daughter MEANT to hop around all day until she returned to mummy dearest's tender care? As I said: tell her to feck off.
(Had a woman at work who would start rows over nothing to make herself feel improvement. Took HR 14 months to get rid of her, after she accused a client of staring at her tits! He was particularly sighted and had trouble distinguishing human shapes full stop 🤦)

Im not even sure what possible boundary she is talking about

The only place where I don't remove splinters from other people's children is the nursery that I work at simply because we are not allowed to. This is literally the dumbest thing she could complain about. Text her back and say teenage daughter consented and your partner (HER FATHER) has no objections. However, I would try and remain as cordial as possible as you do have to maintain a relationship of sorts with this woman.

There’s always one🤷‍♀️

This just sounds like the ex has a bizarre reaction to what was said. The daughter may have said it in a peculiar way. Kids, whatever their ages can just say things that can be misinterpreted. I really wouldn't lose sleep over it. She sounds interesting with her reaction, the my feelings are valid sounds like a therapy trope that is banded around. I dont really see what feelings she might have. You did the right thing and helped her daughter. Was it more that she expected the dad to do this???

You fulfilled your legal duty as well as a step parental immediate one. All was done with child's consent and in presence of 2 adults. Legally and morally you did the right thing and she's threatened by you and wants to abuse you in some way. Well done, stay strong and ignore

Why on earth are you posting this? You're educated and know you've done the right thing. You don't need validation from anyone. Forget it and move on.

She's jealous that you 'mothered' her child. That's her boundary that she thinks you crossed. It's unreasonable but understandable in that it's jealousy.

When I did parent first aid duty 25 years ago at my son's school we were not allowed to use a needle to remove a splinter or prickle as it is legally considered assault. This was in New Zealand.
These were younger children though and, of course, stranger's children.
OP, I think it's fine what you did as SD is 15 and her father was ok with it anyway.

We were allowed to used tweezers, but a needle could be considered assault. Actually had children disappointed a couple of times as they wanted the splinter out now and it was too deep for tweezers to work.

Impossible to imagine any real boundary here. She's just bonkers.