Partner's ex-wife said I crossed a boundary. AIBU? Please help.

[stclementeee]

Hi,

I've been with my partner for just under 3 years. He has 2 children from his prior marriage. They are 19 and 15. The 19 year old is a boy and the 15 year old is a girl.

The girl was spending the day at her Dad's house and got a splinter under her foot. I'm a surgeon (only saying so because I have a steady hand) and so I offered to remove the splinter from under her foot. I did so - and it was removed without too much hassle. Whole thing took about 90 seconds. She thanked me and was happy.

We carried on with the day.

She went home to her mother's house - and her mother texted my partner saying I had 'crossed a boundary' in removing the splinter from under her daughter's foot. I asked my partner to clarify if the daughter felt I had crossed a boundary - or if the mother did. He clarified that it was only his ex-wife. The daughter was perfectly happy.

I don't have kids of my own - so can please I seek advice/asked if I did indeed cross a boundary...? To be clear, as a Dr, I'm obviously trained in safeguarding etc... I do not touch people without consent!

Hopefully by ignoring the silly cow and her 'feelings '. Some things deserve no oxygen.

Why would you call an ambulance for a 15 year old with a splinter ?

Well, unless your partner’s ex wife is a cabinet minister, a CEO of a huge multinational or an astronaut, I would say the lady’s nose is very much out of joint that her ex husband is now with a surgeon.
There may be more batshittery to come as she clearly feels somewhat inferior. (And jealous)

Just one from the perspective of the mother - when I started therapy (really the entire time I was with my first therapist) I thought a boundary meant anything that made me feel hurt and I was practicing how to tell people when they "broke my boundaries".
At one stage I told a waiter in a restaurant he had broken my boundary by bringing me the wrong drink. I look back in a lot of embarrassment!

If you really are a surgeon then surely you know about capacity for consent in children.

Said child was 15 and gave consent, so what is your point?

ETA and her father gave consent too.

Seriously?! That’s awful. Poor children.

Surgeon🙄

She's jealous...or angry at you, for some reason. As a doctor, I'd have thought you would have more insight into human nature. Is this post to prove to your partner that "everyone agrees with me"? If so, perhaps that is what I'd be worried about.

As the saying goes..."no good deed goes unpunished"!

I'm really confused about what she thinks the alternatives were...

1. Leave the splinter there, probably causing pain and getting more embedded.
2. Go to A&E
3. Dad removes splinter (assuming dad was at home)

Instead, daughter got assistance from someone medically qualified without a wait of several hours.

I'd call that a win, not a boundary violation!

Agree with a pp that this is probably coming from mum's own insecurities.

What a way to lash out though. 15 is plenty old enough to define your own boundaries, so as long as the daughter was happy I say you did nothing wrong.

Sceptical about op doubting this isn’t bonkers.

My daughter once got a splinter on the sole of her foot, I couldn’t get it out and it didn’t come out naturally - it started to get infected - cue to us sitting in A&E for five hours…I’m sure wait times today would be much longer! You did her a big favour, she should be thanking you!

I probably wouldn't like a non-doctor step parent doing something like that for my child, but the fact that you are a doctor would de-personalize it for me and I would be thrilled I didn't have to get the tweazers out because I'm squeamish about things like that.

So I suppose I do see her point of view (taking out the doctor component). But you definitely didn't do anything wrong. It must always be a bit uncomfortable when another woman has a quasi-parental relationship with your child so I suppose you just have to keep that in mind.

What? How on earth did she think the splinter would get out? Was she expecting her daughter to get it out herself?

My DH removed his share of splinters from kids over on play dates when ours were young and we also had a few people bring their kids around with splinters when I was home to get them out, which I always thought was super odd (for context I worked A&E but honestly, any parent can remove a splinter, it doesn’t take an A&E specialist!). It’s really not an inappropriate act that crosses a line, the woman is clearly batshit, and it’s also shocking you have to ask.

I'm sure there was thread just like this not that long ago.
@stclementeee has this happened before by any chance?

You did nothing wrong.

What a nerve you have OP. You should have stood on the sidelines, deliberately not offering your very relevant skills and opinion so as not to offend someone who wasn't even there.

I read something the other day that said something along the lines of: Your feelings are valid but that doesn't mean that your behaviour in response to those feelings is.

Your DH should text that back - throw some therapy talk back at her.

She’s raging with jealousy. Hopefully she will get over this in time

There is no issue with removing a splinter. My kids are 9 and 11, I’m not a surgeon, and I would remove a splinter for any of their friends who were here alone, provided they agreed.

I suspect that the issue for mum isn’t around touching/consent but around the fact that it was you who did this and not dad. It is quite unusual to do things like this for a child whilst their parent stands by - generally you would only step in if the child’s parent isn’t around.

My guess would be that there is a large back story where dad doesn’t pull his weight and shifts his parenting onto women in his life. And that his ex thinks that is inappropriate.

All the posters suggesting this is a binary choice between sending her home with a splinter and you removing it, seem to have forgotten that men can also remove splinters for their own children.

I know that describing the ex as “batshit” is a big red flag, but sometimes, as in this case, it’s true. Surgeon or not, you did nothing wrong. In life, we sometimes come across people who are…..a bit unhinged. Ignore and move on.

YANBU. Even is the father was there, I'd rather the person with the more steady hand and more medical training would do this.

No wonder she’s your partners ex. She’s bonkers.you did nothing wrong.

I would have been angry if you hadn't done anything to help her tbh. She's clearly mental and her jealousy of you is stronger than the love for her daughter. Crossing boundaries fgs- what a total nutcase. I would help a child I didn't know from Adam if no parents were present. It's just what you do.

@stclementeee I would have thanked you profusely for tending to my child and got you a little gift/flowers. Please do not pay any attention to this batshit crazy individual in the future.