Partner's ex-wife said I crossed a boundary. AIBU? Please help.

[stclementeee]

Hi,

I've been with my partner for just under 3 years. He has 2 children from his prior marriage. They are 19 and 15. The 19 year old is a boy and the 15 year old is a girl.

The girl was spending the day at her Dad's house and got a splinter under her foot. I'm a surgeon (only saying so because I have a steady hand) and so I offered to remove the splinter from under her foot. I did so - and it was removed without too much hassle. Whole thing took about 90 seconds. She thanked me and was happy.

We carried on with the day.

She went home to her mother's house - and her mother texted my partner saying I had 'crossed a boundary' in removing the splinter from under her daughter's foot. I asked my partner to clarify if the daughter felt I had crossed a boundary - or if the mother did. He clarified that it was only his ex-wife. The daughter was perfectly happy.

I don't have kids of my own - so can please I seek advice/asked if I did indeed cross a boundary...? To be clear, as a Dr, I'm obviously trained in safeguarding etc... I do not touch people without consent!

She should be thanking you for getting the splinter out! You’ve done nothing wrong.

A 3 year old is not capable of giving consent to essential medical treatment, yes I know Gillick etc., they may not like it but the adults who care for them have to make some decisions for their well-being. I hope the OP and her OH are keeping a record of all the batshittery in case she decides to use this incident at a later date for some reason.

She has had an emotional reaction. Not a logical one. You didn't do anything wrong, she just finds it hard to deal with the idea of someone taking her place and fixing her DD's little wounds.

Sometimes I think how awful it would be if I split up with DH and he got a new DW and I had to deal with her feeding/bathing/cuddling my kids, comforting them when sick etc. It would be hard. Balanced with feeling happy that they had a loving second home would be all the jealousy.

Her behaviour is wrong and shouldn't be excused, but I guess I can halfway understand why she would react in such a crazy way.

I get that to a certain extent but how insecure in your motherhood do you have to be to take issue with this particular incident.

Sounds like said 'mother' is really rather odd!! If it were any of my kids,weather I got on with the other partners or not,I'd really hope they'd step in & help!!
PLEASE,do not beat yourself up over it!! You were just doing right by the children! Sounds like she'd rather her kid got an infection from the splinter than let anyone else remove it,100% a bitter ex!!
Weather you have your own kids or not,it sounds to me (& everyone else),that your great with them,she should be thankful!! ❤️❤️

My first thought, too. Carefully consider if this relationship is worth it.

Sadly the right thing is always the wrong thing to some people. My husband’s ex wife would put her kids in harm’s way if she could get one over on me and tell the world what a terrible person I am. Used to bug me now I cba with it all. You did good and the girl was happy - that’s all that matters

Yes, I agree. The ex wife does sound deeply insecure and is probably not mentally well.

I thought the same. As a person who is nowhere near this intelligent, I’d have just ignored the text and thought no more about it. Wouldn’t care if she thought I’d crossed the line. Any person, no matter what the relationship to the child or their parent, would be perfectly fine to remove the splinter with the child’s agreement.

The ex is jealous of how accomplished you are is my guess.

The more interesting question to me is, Did your partner staunchly defend you?

Too bad he didn't say something like: All right, sorry you're upset over a professional doctor attending to DD, but next time we'll let her suffer until you come over to pick her up.

I can’t see what boundary could’ve been crossed.

A 15yo doesn’t need a parent to tell the other parent who can take a splinter out for them. 15yos with separated parents can choose how much time they spend with each parent. They can give consent to people touching them - and the mum acknowledged OP sought consent.

OP being a surgeon irrelevant. And quite outing.

Can only assume the ex resents OP. How long ago did the marriage end?

Maybe you should go have left the splinter to work it's way into her foot. So it became infected and turned septic

You did a good deed in a very ordinary, every situation. Like any decent person would.

The mother is a drama queen with nothing better to do. Ignore her.

This has reminded me of my childhood where I was the go-to person to take splinters out. I was always happy to oblige and I think always succeeded. I had very good eyesight (wish I had it now!). Kids seemed to know and I think I did it from about aged 8 to 14. No drama, no boundaries. I'm amazed that school nurses aren't allowed to help now. More opportunities to get (wooden) splinters then too. Well it's a different world. The ex is laughable.

Ex wife is a misery. You did GREAT. She would have complained that the Good Samaritan helped the guy without prior authorization.

What you did was fine, normal, no problem.
Girl agreed, you got the splinter out.
Job done.

Hear hear.

Again, you've commented 4 times in two days...? Do you not have anything better to do than to keep doubting me?

@EdithBond Marriage (theirs obviously) ended 8 years ago. I've been with my partner for 3 years. No, I wasn't the 'other woman' or 'affair partner' (or whatever else there is) in case anyone is thinking that!!

I met him for the first time 5 years post divorce. To be fair, the ex-wife never had a (known) problem with me and was usually cordial/nice enough. Never ever been an incident of 'crossed boundaries' in three years.

He said to his ex-wife that he AND the daughter sought me out as she (jokingly) said she didn't trust her Dad because of his general clumsiness. The splinter removal from start to finish took about 90 seconds. She (daughter) was happy/grateful.

The ex-wife tonight finally said: 'Ok. Whatever.' Bear in mind, this happened last weekend - and she gave him the silent treatment throughout this week.

I think her issue is more with HIM regarding the splinter removal than with me. But who knows. Nothing I can do about it. That said; I don't regret removing it. Obviously. Nothing more I can do regarding the whole thing now. It's also not my cross to bear. Sad thing is, that I feel less inclined to help now because of all the drama it caused.

A surgeon removing a splinter is VIP treatment surely! She just felt inadequate, ignore her.

'unhinged' 🙄What surgery do you practise?

Yes. Unhinged indeed. Kindly bore off. You've commented three times now in 2 days - obviously trying to doubt me/my story/my profession/character - and now think you have a right to know what my surgical speciality is! Laughable.

Let me guess... you 'gotcha' response will be - 'See! Not a surgeon! Knew it!'