Partner's ex-wife said I crossed a boundary. AIBU? Please help.

[stclementeee]

Hi,

I've been with my partner for just under 3 years. He has 2 children from his prior marriage. They are 19 and 15. The 19 year old is a boy and the 15 year old is a girl.

The girl was spending the day at her Dad's house and got a splinter under her foot. I'm a surgeon (only saying so because I have a steady hand) and so I offered to remove the splinter from under her foot. I did so - and it was removed without too much hassle. Whole thing took about 90 seconds. She thanked me and was happy.

We carried on with the day.

She went home to her mother's house - and her mother texted my partner saying I had 'crossed a boundary' in removing the splinter from under her daughter's foot. I asked my partner to clarify if the daughter felt I had crossed a boundary - or if the mother did. He clarified that it was only his ex-wife. The daughter was perfectly happy.

I don't have kids of my own - so can please I seek advice/asked if I did indeed cross a boundary...? To be clear, as a Dr, I'm obviously trained in safeguarding etc... I do not touch people without consent!

So did the mother want her daughter to carry on walking on the splinter pushing it further into her foot. Or her dad who may not have been as skilful to do it. Maybe she wanted you to call the mother to preform the splinter ectomy. The mother is nuts!

It was a splinter. In her foot. She’s 15.
yeah ex is batshit.

Absolutely not justifying her batshittery, just trying to offer a potential explanation.
My Exh met his new wife when dd was 15 (suspiciously soon after we divorced). I would honestly have been a little upset if she had tried to be a parental figure to my children, partly because one of our disagreements was his lack of active parenting or care for our children.
So if dd had had an accident or been ill whilst with exdh and his wife, I would have felt pissed off if he had delegated the caring role to his wife rather than doing it himself. I would have known that that feeling was more about my anger with his continued uselessness than anything else though, and would not have communicated my pissedoffedness to him. (Because I wouldn’t want him to know he was still annoying me)

I also think that if she was a medical professional which would make her better suited to doing specialist care needed I wouldn’t even have been annoyed at his delegation - he’d be unable to remove a splinter because he has terrible eyesight so in that case I’d have thought your intervention sensible.

(Now kids are older they have managed to decide for themselves that their father is a lazy parent due to realising he gets his wife to buy their birthday and Xmas presents and i feel slightly, but quietly, smug about that because I am not perfect..

I would be delighted if a surgeon removed a splinter from my daughter’s foot. Can be guaranteed aseptic technique would be used. Much better than non medical/surgical staff poking around with a non sterile instrument and potentially making matters worse!

OP: she’s jealous.

Obviously you did nothing wrong.

obviously she’s struggling with someone else being motherly or taking care or her daughter. Not saying it’s right but she must be having a hard time with it.

You are definitely not being unreasonable, she is lucky to have you!

My sons dad’s partner was the OW and while I am not a fan, I would be nothing but pleased if she helped my son by removing a splinter! This really is bonkers.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. If my ex’s partner removed a splinter from my daughter’s foot I’d be grateful, and she’s not a surgeon.

I'd of been happy that my daughter was happy and in no pain.
She sounds bitter maybe jealous just wants something to show her authority as a mum.. take no notice of her you done good x

I don't normally subscribe to the 'crazy ex' narrative but in this case it's warranted.

You're ok. She's just being a pest.

This - another ex wanted to cause trouble, ignore, your DP should tell her to get lost or he is worried about not being allowed to see his children ?

Hrft but honestly a medical professional carrying out a first aid procedure, is not overstepping. If it was a 3yr old and the child did not consent, slightly different.

I think that the ex is just upset that you have a good relationship with her DC and is trying to cause trouble, just ignore the nutter.

The ex wife is probably jealous of the fact you are a doctor and it makes her feel inferior. Any normal mother would be grateful that her daughter was tended to and the painful splinter removed. I would have sent a text saying to tell you thank you. She is being petty and trying to cause trouble. Just rise above it and ignore her. You did the right thing and the child's needs come first.

I'd be grateful you had helped my daughter,and sorted the problem...even if,as she obviously seems,I was jealous/resentful towards my ex. ..though it's not like it's a new relationship, so she really should have got used to you being about by now...But you havnt done anything wrong.Imagine if you hadn't sorted it! That would be out of order,and she would have something to say about that too!

Jeez, does the ex wife actually think she owns her 15 year old daughter's body? How can you have a 'boundary' over another person's body (if they are Gillick competent and not doing anything illegal or immoral)?

Nope. She’s mad as a box of frogs

Honestly OP you absolutely did the right thing, surgeon or not.
To the PP saying if you weren't a doctor she'd have a problem, I assume you wouldn't want a teacher or the dad to do it then? Just toddle down to an overstretched A and E to wait 8 hours in a heatwave for a doctor? Ludicrous 😁

Graduates train and become a doctor first, then continue training. They can then choose the surgical route to becoming a surgeon. So a years and years of training.

Meant to add, it reminds me a lot of my ExDH's first wife she was a fucking nightmare. We had the 4 kids all through first lockdown. Months on end, whilst both working full time (she didn't work), Mothers Day fell on the time we still had them so I thought it would be nice for all the kids to make lots of nice things for her - cupcakes, a couple of hand made cards, and put them on her doorstep. Shortly after DH gets a text from her saying she didn't want it because I was 'just showing off'. 😂She also threw away the school projects I'd done with them whilst looking after her children and told the kids to tell me the dog ate them.
It didn't get any better.
Absolute nightmare of a woman and I'm grateful every day I'm out of it.

Is she jealous of your job status?
She sounds nuts, his daughter is quite capable of giving/refusing consent and it might be better for your husband to either ignore the ridiculous messages and/or not tell you about them.

So were you supposed to let the poor girl limp around all day in pain to protect her mother’s paranoid boundaries? She sounds mental! You did the perfectly sensible and obvious thing

You haven't crossed a boundary. You existed in her kids presents. She doesnt like it and she doesnt like you interacting with her kids. Its a her problem. I said it before. She can feel how she feels. She needs to apply critical thinking to those feelings. I feel loads of things it first mean its all rational.

Utterly ridiculous. A splinter needs removed. Dh ex wife sees me as a trusted adult. only a little longer together than you, 5-6 years.

DH ex wife happy for me to deal with dsd first period. Dsd 13 and happy for me to deal (more so than her dad helping her). It happened when she was alone with me. Much as I imagined the splinter happened when she was with you.

storm in a teacup. Bad blood. Not overstepping.