Page 15 | To not let DH go to this woman’s house?

Fellohesh · 2026-05-27T14:39:44+00:00

A couple of months ago, we went out with some friends who all met up at our house before leaving together to go to town. Before they arrived, DH put his jacket on but I didn’t think it matched the outfit and I also just didn’t think it was very nice in general. I told him so but he said he likes it so he’s wearing it. When everyone arrived, one of the women said “what’s going on with your outfit?” to DH, and he asked why she didn’t like it. She said something about the jacket and DH disappeared upstairs and came down wearing a new one and said “is that better?”. I felt hurt at the time that he didn’t value my opinion but cared about what she thought of him. The next day I asked if he fancied her, to which he replied “she’s attractive” I said if we weren’t together would he ask her out and he said maybe (the convo was longer of course but I’m trying to keep this short and give the gist). He came home from work yesterday saying this same woman is training to be a hairdresser and has offered to cut his hair for free while she practices. He has thick wavy hair and gets a scissor cut so it’s not just a simple trim with the clippers. However, she doesn’t have a salon or anything as she isn’t qualified so it would be at her house. AIBU to say no to this?

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 15:22

Also would like to add I recently went through a sort of nipped in the bud situation myself. An ex, who I had a brief relationship with, got in touch and started messaging me. I had no romantic feelings for him. DP asked me who I was messaging one day and I told him. He knows him too. He was not happy to put it mildly and said this guy had always carried a flame so to speak. I was taken aback but I didn't want to upset DP so chose to stop messaging.
I know lots of people on this thread wouldn't put up with someone controlling who they could talk to but it wasn't worth the upset for me personally .And honestly now, on balance it makes sense. How much bullshit is started by ex's getting in touch? It's so common! I mean I didn't have any romantic feelings but God knows, people get involved and grow closer. I'm a fallible person as are most.

Anarchy99 · 29/05/2026 15:39

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 15:22

Also would like to add I recently went through a sort of nipped in the bud situation myself. An ex, who I had a brief relationship with, got in touch and started messaging me. I had no romantic feelings for him. DP asked me who I was messaging one day and I told him. He knows him too. He was not happy to put it mildly and said this guy had always carried a flame so to speak. I was taken aback but I didn't want to upset DP so chose to stop messaging.
I know lots of people on this thread wouldn't put up with someone controlling who they could talk to but it wasn't worth the upset for me personally .And honestly now, on balance it makes sense. How much bullshit is started by ex's getting in touch? It's so common! I mean I didn't have any romantic feelings but God knows, people get involved and grow closer. I'm a fallible person as are most.

You chose not to have contact with him. You can’t make that decision for someone else.

Anarchy99 · 29/05/2026 15:42

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 14:30

I think lots of people are capable of cheating. Sometimes it's just a couple of bad circumstances and wrong decisions away. "Sliding Door" moments if you like. I tend to think most people exist in these murky grey waters, rather than good and bad, black and white. Often people who cheat don't wake up in the morning and think that they are going to shag another person. But they make a series of shit choices first.
You will fancy other people in a long relationship, sometimes they will fancy you. You might have a weird life circumstance that makes you weaker to the boost an affair gives. You have to be a self aware person to try and avoid doing damaging things.
I think op is getting a hard time due to language used, not let, nip in the bud etc. Of course you can never control another person but you can explain that making unwise decisions can set you on a path you can't return from. Sometimes people need a bit of a wake up call to see this.
Personally I think he shouldn't have asked and put the onus on op to make the decision. It is dangerous territory, when there's mutual attraction, and a keen, single person. If it was me I wouldn't be messaging on insta with a person who I fancied and fancied me because I wouldn't want to mess my relationship up.

People are not generally stupid though - they are well aware of what they are doing and the risks attached to it.

I am amazed that adults think others aren’t capable of joining the dots.

People can’t be stopped from cheating if they want to do it, no
matter how much you control them.

Planesmistakenforstars · 29/05/2026 15:58

She is almost certainly going to continue to message him and probably conjure up some work she needs doing in her home. I think you've done the right thing in saying no to a question you were asked and explaining why. If the above does happen he can't go in all innocent and pretend he's unaware of what you'd feel, or use the excuse you said yes to a haircut so it's game on.

Gateappreciation · 29/05/2026 16:19

“People are not generally stupid though - they are well aware of what they are doing and the risks attached to it.”

i don’t totally agree with this. I wasn’t actually aware of the emotional affair concept until mn, but can see how it happens. How many times on mn have we seen dh’s argue that it’s only ‘platonic’, despite messaging said woman several times during the day etc. To dh, it’s only a haircut, but this friend is already targeting and singling him out - comments about the jacket, haircut etc. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a request to fix the toilet, mow the lawn etc coming soon either ( or another emergency).Some Men like playing the hero, and some women like playing helpless.

op - do you know if they message each other a lot?

cloudtreecarpet · 29/05/2026 16:50

Anarchy99 · 29/05/2026 14:11

I understand that but realistically you don’t have any control over this situation. If he’s a decent man he won’t cheat. If he isn’t, then he might. He does sound like a good guy or he wouldn’t have mentioned it.

You can’t stop him, nip it in the bud or control him, however much you want to in this situation. Some of these suggestions from people are shocking!

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This.
I find the idea that she is the baddie throwing herself at him.& him being unable to control himself in those conditions a bit crap really.
If he's a good bloke he will be able to resist her surely rather than risking his marriage and life with you?

Anyway this is a moot point because he did the decent thing & asked you & is respecting your feelings about it as he should.

Allseeingallknowing · 29/05/2026 16:51

cloudtreecarpet · 29/05/2026 16:50

This.
I find the idea that she is the baddie throwing herself at him.& him being unable to control himself in those conditions a bit crap really.
If he's a good bloke he will be able to resist her surely rather than risking his marriage and life with you?

Anyway this is a moot point because he did the decent thing & asked you & is respecting your feelings about it as he should.

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I think that’s a bit naive!

cloudtreecarpet · 29/05/2026 16:54

Really? We do set low bars for men don't we?

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 17:08

Of course you can't control another person. Obviously. If you want to boil it down to that. But in a relationship you can certainly express your feelings and let your partner know if their behaviour makes you unhappy or you find it threatening to your relationship. Sometimes they will take that in board, like I did. And many others whose partners have let them know that they are crossing boundaries, causing strain on a relationship and stop things before it gets too late also. Lots of people, may disregard and go ahead as they do wish to pursue it. I realise you can't stop it or control it. But as a loved one you have some influence by stating your feelings and pointing out the damage that could be done. Affairs don't happen out of nowhere.
It's an insanely fatalistic view to just let it all just wash out around you, keep your mouth shut, see what happens because you can't control it. I mean I have admiration for people who live like that but most people can't entirely sit back when they're worried their relationship is going to go down the pan. They are going to tell a person that it's hurtful or distressing or just not good. Which I believe op has. If that's "controlling" so be it.
That's my takeaway from this thread.

Notsosweetcaroline · 29/05/2026 17:18

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 17:08

Of course you can't control another person. Obviously. If you want to boil it down to that. But in a relationship you can certainly express your feelings and let your partner know if their behaviour makes you unhappy or you find it threatening to your relationship. Sometimes they will take that in board, like I did. And many others whose partners have let them know that they are crossing boundaries, causing strain on a relationship and stop things before it gets too late also. Lots of people, may disregard and go ahead as they do wish to pursue it. I realise you can't stop it or control it. But as a loved one you have some influence by stating your feelings and pointing out the damage that could be done. Affairs don't happen out of nowhere.
It's an insanely fatalistic view to just let it all just wash out around you, keep your mouth shut, see what happens because you can't control it. I mean I have admiration for people who live like that but most people can't entirely sit back when they're worried their relationship is going to go down the pan. They are going to tell a person that it's hurtful or distressing or just not good. Which I believe op has. If that's "controlling" so be it.
That's my takeaway from this thread.

That’s just a way to stop it let’s be clear. Your aim is the same objective, don’t tell him he can’t go, but emotionally blackmail,him into not going,

Anarchy99 · 29/05/2026 17:22

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 17:08

Of course you can't control another person. Obviously. If you want to boil it down to that. But in a relationship you can certainly express your feelings and let your partner know if their behaviour makes you unhappy or you find it threatening to your relationship. Sometimes they will take that in board, like I did. And many others whose partners have let them know that they are crossing boundaries, causing strain on a relationship and stop things before it gets too late also. Lots of people, may disregard and go ahead as they do wish to pursue it. I realise you can't stop it or control it. But as a loved one you have some influence by stating your feelings and pointing out the damage that could be done. Affairs don't happen out of nowhere.
It's an insanely fatalistic view to just let it all just wash out around you, keep your mouth shut, see what happens because you can't control it. I mean I have admiration for people who live like that but most people can't entirely sit back when they're worried their relationship is going to go down the pan. They are going to tell a person that it's hurtful or distressing or just not good. Which I believe op has. If that's "controlling" so be it.
That's my takeaway from this thread.

But explaining you don’t like it is the only thing you can do. It might have changed your thinking but it’s naive to think that it would be the same for most people.

You can only decide what you do as a result. Some of these suggestions on here are batshit!

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 17:27

Notsosweetcaroline · 29/05/2026 17:18

That’s just a way to stop it let’s be clear. Your aim is the same objective, don’t tell him he can’t go, but emotionally blackmail,him into not going,

Show quote history

If you see relating feelings in a relationship as emotional blackmail I can't help you.

PinkEasterbunny · 29/05/2026 17:34

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 14:30

I think lots of people are capable of cheating. Sometimes it's just a couple of bad circumstances and wrong decisions away. "Sliding Door" moments if you like. I tend to think most people exist in these murky grey waters, rather than good and bad, black and white. Often people who cheat don't wake up in the morning and think that they are going to shag another person. But they make a series of shit choices first.
You will fancy other people in a long relationship, sometimes they will fancy you. You might have a weird life circumstance that makes you weaker to the boost an affair gives. You have to be a self aware person to try and avoid doing damaging things.
I think op is getting a hard time due to language used, not let, nip in the bud etc. Of course you can never control another person but you can explain that making unwise decisions can set you on a path you can't return from. Sometimes people need a bit of a wake up call to see this.
Personally I think he shouldn't have asked and put the onus on op to make the decision. It is dangerous territory, when there's mutual attraction, and a keen, single person. If it was me I wouldn't be messaging on insta with a person who I fancied and fancied me because I wouldn't want to mess my relationship up.

Excellent post - you put this better than I could

PinkEasterbunny · 29/05/2026 17:34

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 14:30

I think lots of people are capable of cheating. Sometimes it's just a couple of bad circumstances and wrong decisions away. "Sliding Door" moments if you like. I tend to think most people exist in these murky grey waters, rather than good and bad, black and white. Often people who cheat don't wake up in the morning and think that they are going to shag another person. But they make a series of shit choices first.
You will fancy other people in a long relationship, sometimes they will fancy you. You might have a weird life circumstance that makes you weaker to the boost an affair gives. You have to be a self aware person to try and avoid doing damaging things.
I think op is getting a hard time due to language used, not let, nip in the bud etc. Of course you can never control another person but you can explain that making unwise decisions can set you on a path you can't return from. Sometimes people need a bit of a wake up call to see this.
Personally I think he shouldn't have asked and put the onus on op to make the decision. It is dangerous territory, when there's mutual attraction, and a keen, single person. If it was me I wouldn't be messaging on insta with a person who I fancied and fancied me because I wouldn't want to mess my relationship up.

Excellent post - you put this better than I could

PinkEasterbunny · 29/05/2026 17:34

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 14:30

I think lots of people are capable of cheating. Sometimes it's just a couple of bad circumstances and wrong decisions away. "Sliding Door" moments if you like. I tend to think most people exist in these murky grey waters, rather than good and bad, black and white. Often people who cheat don't wake up in the morning and think that they are going to shag another person. But they make a series of shit choices first.
You will fancy other people in a long relationship, sometimes they will fancy you. You might have a weird life circumstance that makes you weaker to the boost an affair gives. You have to be a self aware person to try and avoid doing damaging things.
I think op is getting a hard time due to language used, not let, nip in the bud etc. Of course you can never control another person but you can explain that making unwise decisions can set you on a path you can't return from. Sometimes people need a bit of a wake up call to see this.
Personally I think he shouldn't have asked and put the onus on op to make the decision. It is dangerous territory, when there's mutual attraction, and a keen, single person. If it was me I wouldn't be messaging on insta with a person who I fancied and fancied me because I wouldn't want to mess my relationship up.

Excellent post - you put this better than I could

PinkEasterbunny · 29/05/2026 17:34

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 14:30

I think lots of people are capable of cheating. Sometimes it's just a couple of bad circumstances and wrong decisions away. "Sliding Door" moments if you like. I tend to think most people exist in these murky grey waters, rather than good and bad, black and white. Often people who cheat don't wake up in the morning and think that they are going to shag another person. But they make a series of shit choices first.
You will fancy other people in a long relationship, sometimes they will fancy you. You might have a weird life circumstance that makes you weaker to the boost an affair gives. You have to be a self aware person to try and avoid doing damaging things.
I think op is getting a hard time due to language used, not let, nip in the bud etc. Of course you can never control another person but you can explain that making unwise decisions can set you on a path you can't return from. Sometimes people need a bit of a wake up call to see this.
Personally I think he shouldn't have asked and put the onus on op to make the decision. It is dangerous territory, when there's mutual attraction, and a keen, single person. If it was me I wouldn't be messaging on insta with a person who I fancied and fancied me because I wouldn't want to mess my relationship up.

Excellent post - you put this better than I could

DreadRess · 29/05/2026 17:37

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

QuintadosMalvados · 29/05/2026 17:37

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 14:30

I think lots of people are capable of cheating. Sometimes it's just a couple of bad circumstances and wrong decisions away. "Sliding Door" moments if you like. I tend to think most people exist in these murky grey waters, rather than good and bad, black and white. Often people who cheat don't wake up in the morning and think that they are going to shag another person. But they make a series of shit choices first.
You will fancy other people in a long relationship, sometimes they will fancy you. You might have a weird life circumstance that makes you weaker to the boost an affair gives. You have to be a self aware person to try and avoid doing damaging things.
I think op is getting a hard time due to language used, not let, nip in the bud etc. Of course you can never control another person but you can explain that making unwise decisions can set you on a path you can't return from. Sometimes people need a bit of a wake up call to see this.
Personally I think he shouldn't have asked and put the onus on op to make the decision. It is dangerous territory, when there's mutual attraction, and a keen, single person. If it was me I wouldn't be messaging on insta with a person who I fancied and fancied me because I wouldn't want to mess my relationship up.

I totally agree. 100%.

Of course some men are ardent philanderers. Absolutely no point trying to stop them.
You really have to decide to leave or live with it.
Someone close to me (not dh or father) was like this. He was no doubt an attractive man and women would be swarming around him.
He just went with it.
The final straw for his dw was when he was named as the other man in a divorce.

But, you know what, I think a lot of the time, it's just a series of bad decisions men make until they're in too deep.

It's a nuanced issue.

I do find this 'trust him or not' stance simplistic.

As is the idea she's actually going to somehow physically restrain him or control him.
It's just hogwash. Surely everybody knows she can't actually control him, only make strong suggestions not to do things that may be detrimental to the marriage. And nothing wrong with that.

Original poster

Fellohesh · 29/05/2026 17:40

Gateappreciation · 29/05/2026 16:19

“People are not generally stupid though - they are well aware of what they are doing and the risks attached to it.”

i don’t totally agree with this. I wasn’t actually aware of the emotional affair concept until mn, but can see how it happens. How many times on mn have we seen dh’s argue that it’s only ‘platonic’, despite messaging said woman several times during the day etc. To dh, it’s only a haircut, but this friend is already targeting and singling him out - comments about the jacket, haircut etc. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a request to fix the toilet, mow the lawn etc coming soon either ( or another emergency).Some Men like playing the hero, and some women like playing helpless.

op - do you know if they message each other a lot?

Edited

He showed me the message she sent him and that was the only one on there, there were no prior messages to that. However, I don’t know what he has responded to her with and don’t know if they’ve continued messaging

OP posts:

Anarchy99 · 29/05/2026 18:00

Fellohesh · 29/05/2026 17:40

He showed me the message she sent him and that was the only one on there, there were no prior messages to that. However, I don’t know what he has responded to her with and don’t know if they’ve continued messaging

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Okay well the next advice you will get is to monitor his phone - this is a BAD idea

Littledogball · 29/05/2026 18:26

But where did she get a man’s jacket your husbands size if she’s single? She took him upstairs and just had it hanging around? That’s odd. (Unless he already been and left it there!!!)

Original poster

Fellohesh · 29/05/2026 18:33

Littledogball · 29/05/2026 18:26

But where did she get a man’s jacket your husbands size if she’s single? She took him upstairs and just had it hanging around? That’s odd. (Unless he already been and left it there!!!)

No we were in our own house, she came to ours, so he just got a different jacket from his wardrobe

OP posts:

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/05/2026 18:40

cloudtreecarpet · 29/05/2026 16:54

Really? We do set low bars for men don't we?

We do and the thing I find most depressing about all the “nip it in the bud” shit is the idea of the woman having to be the moral policeman in the marriage.

a) because who has time to have their husband under surveillance
b) because it assumes men have the self control of toddlers who have to constantly be pulled back from sticking their dicks into other women
c) because who could respect or be attracted to a man who is constantly trying to put his hands in the proverbial candy jar

And it baffles me that most people on this thread seem to think this is either achievable or sustainable in a marriage.

Life is too short.

BIossomtoes · 29/05/2026 18:42

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/05/2026 18:40

We do and the thing I find most depressing about all the “nip it in the bud” shit is the idea of the woman having to be the moral policeman in the marriage.

a) because who has time to have their husband under surveillance
b) because it assumes men have the self control of toddlers who have to constantly be pulled back from sticking their dicks into other women
c) because who could respect or be attracted to a man who is constantly trying to put his hands in the proverbial candy jar

And it baffles me that most people on this thread seem to think this is either achievable or sustainable in a marriage.

Life is too short.

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Absolutely. I can’t imagine being in a marriage where all this is necessary. And then people complain about the mental load.

Popdropper · 29/05/2026 19:10

Anarchy99 · 29/05/2026 18:00

Okay well the next advice you will get is to monitor his phone - this is a BAD idea

Show quote history

I don't think OP will need to, it will be obvious if his attention is being taken elsewhere over the next few days/weeks. He no doubt doesn't even realise it but he's already damaged OP's trust purely by asking the question about the haircut and seeming disappointed when she said she wasn't ok with it so she will be hyper-alert to anything even slightly out of the ordinary now. He knew before he asked that it wasn't ok but hoped OP would be naive enough to sanction him (at the very least) flirting with this woman in plain sight so she will (rightly) not trust him fully anymore.