To not let DH go to this woman’s house?

[Fellohesh]

A couple of months ago, we went out with some friends who all met up at our house before leaving together to go to town. Before they arrived, DH put his jacket on but I didn’t think it matched the outfit and I also just didn’t think it was very nice in general. I told him so but he said he likes it so he’s wearing it.

When everyone arrived, one of the women said “what’s going on with your outfit?” to DH, and he asked why she didn’t like it. She said something about the jacket and DH disappeared upstairs and came down wearing a new one and said “is that better?”. I felt hurt at the time that he didn’t value my opinion but cared about what she thought of him. The next day I asked if he fancied her, to which he replied “she’s attractive” I said if we weren’t together would he ask her out and he said maybe (the convo was longer of course but I’m trying to keep this short and give the gist).

He came home from work yesterday saying this same woman is training to be a hairdresser and has offered to cut his hair for free while she practices. He has thick wavy hair and gets a scissor cut so it’s not just a simple trim with the clippers. However, she doesn’t have a salon or anything as she isn’t qualified so it would be at her house. AIBU to say no to this?

You can’t ’nip it in the bud’ as he’s not a toddler. You can try to take away the opportunity but then what’s the point? He will find a way if he wants to do it.

Trying to control an adult won’t stop any undesirable behaviour, if anything it will strengthen it.

And do people really want to be married to someone who is only with someone because their spouse has them under lock and keys? It lacks a certain dignity.

Trust is not some all encompassing thing. I can't believe anybody thinks that.
You can trust people to do some things but not others.
That's the truth of it.
People are flawed. They have strengths and weaknesses.
A relative is an extremely good financial advisor, I would trust her completely on this.
I would not trust her, however, to not eat all the biscuits.

If a woman is married to a man who is otherwise a good husband, then maybe staying married to him is a better option than surviving on her own.
Especially if she has children.

To be honest if you think that a woman struggling financially on her own, maybe living in highly constrained circumstances, having to raise children largely by herself in a state of constant stress is an improvement to having a husband who is otherwise a great support bar a maybe one-off incident of infidelity then I could not disagree with you more.

But as infidelity is largely not a good thing in a marriage, it's probably best to nip any developing interests you sense in the bud. If you can.

I agree about trust and that relationships can be nuanced.

You can’t control thoughts though - regardless of motivations, if people want to fuck someone else, they will.

You said you are all friends so it's not like she has just met your husband that day and all of a sudden is disney princess in love with him.

You asked him if he fancied her, and he gaave an honest answer that she was attractive. Sorry but it is something out of nothing. You sound like you do not trust your husband at all.

You do you. I know I would far prefer to be raising children on my own, without financial support but with my dignity intact and without the feeling of constantly having to police the behaviour of another grown adult (and I did raise a child alone). And for your financial wellbeing to be dependent on your success at policing this other adult to prevent him sticking his dick in another woman…I’d honestly rather live on the breadline than live like this.

But to come back to the fundamental point you simply can’t “nip infidelity in the bud” on behalf of someone else. It’s a nonsense. You don’t have autonomous control over the desires or behaviour of another adult.

It’s not your place to allow or ban him. you don’t own him!

Talk it through by all means but I think you’ve got deeper trust issues and insecurities to be asking ‘do you fancy her’ etc.
Have things happened previously?

This really made me laugh 😆

Some people are missing the part where he asked me if would be ok with him going. If he would’ve come home and said something like “X messaged me, she’s going to cut my hair for me to practice” I would never say he is not allowed to. I would never use those words. I would never tell him he CANT do something or it’s forbidden etc. that isn’t whats happened. He asked me the question whether this is something I’d be okay with and I answered him honestly and told him why. He can choose to ignore me. I’m not going to chain him up or abuse him or stand in front of the door to prevent him from leaving.

It’s my mistake for wording it this way in my OP when I should have said “AIBU to not want DH to go” or something. However I feel like because I said I’m not ok with it, this is essentially me “not allowing” him, because I don’t believe he will go behind my back. He was essentially asking permission without directly saying “can I do this?”. He asked a question and I gave an answer

You can't in every instance that is true but in this situation it's possible to nip it in the bud. Some of the responses here are just naive.

As if any woman going on about being controlling would tolerate what the OP is experiencing. Like hell they would!

As if they'd just sit back and say 'you go'.

Frankly they also have no idea how responsive men can be if it's offered to them on a plate.
Well that might not be true, but they do have a belief that this suddenly leaves men when they get married. It does not.

Just because women don't in the main behave like this they assume men are the same.

@QuintadosMalvados

As if any woman going on about being controlling would tolerate what the OP is experiencing. Like hell they would!

You’re right. I wouldn’t tolerate it. I would leave. Its the only sanction you have. You can’t control another person. You can only control yourself.

No need to apologise.
It's not controlling at all. I wouldn't blame you for putting your foot down even if you had!
And I'll tell you this, I very much doubt all those going on about this being controlling would tolerate this.
All this 'cool wife' stuff does my head in.

He's a bit of a shit for putting the onus on you though.

I hope that's the end of it. A passing fancy.

You’re completely right in feeling uneasy about it. I would feel the same. Like someone else said, ask him how he’d react if you asked him if he minded some random single man cutting your hair, after you said you found him attractive

OP's husband could have shown himself a sensitive and sensible man by inviting the trainee hairdresser to their house, agreeing the date and time with OP. So much more mature than trying to make OP responsible for his decision.

What have you decided?

You don't have to look unhinged. A pointed "Any reason why you can't come to ours for the cut?" would suffice. I certainly wouldn't be sitting back and letting it happen.

Short of locking up and blindfolding your husband, how do you think you can stop
something like that? If people want to cheat they will do so.

He is an adult and his wife doesn’t get to control him. She can of course decide that his actions aren’t acceptable to her and decide her future accordingly.

But control isn’t a good look - it certainly doesn’t make anyone think ‘oh well I won’t fancy anyone or do anything about it then’.

You cant stop someone cheating. You can only control your own reaction to it

OP i think you have been clear, it is others either misinterpreting what happened or choosing to be “cool wife's” which is not a great look either. He ask if you were ok with it and you were honest. Good on yoj for being honest - it sounds like you have s good relationship in that he thought you may not hsve been ok with it so kindly checked with you first it shows respect so good on him too. Honestly all this blessing on about “keeping him hostage, chained up etc” whst a load of nonsense. You both respect each other which is nice

Not all men set out to cheat though.
It can be in response to a situation.
In this case, this is a situation that's best avoided.

I think perhaps that women set out to cheat (or more precisely, are at the point that they don't care if they do) and they assume that men do the same.

Even if you do subscribe to the view that men and women are the same when it comes to cheating (I don't), it's not difficult to imagine that people take a series of seemingly innocent actions and before they know it it ends up with them cheating.

I don't think it's like anybody wakes up and decides definitively they're going to cheat as such.
I think that people who aren't ardent philanderers often fit this category.

People aren't in as much control of outcomes as much as they'd like to think.

Jacket thing, OK, as a second person commenting negatively suggests it's extra bad so probably prompted the change.
The attractive thing, you pushed him and he chose not to lie. We all find people attractive. Mostly we operate on don't ask, don't tell and no feelings are hurt.
Haircut at her house, I'd tell him you don't feel comfortable with that as you're worried they'll take a fancy to each other.

YANBU. As already said, when you're in a relationship and you find someone else attractive you keep some distance. Plenty of decent people who never intended to cheat get caught up in these situations. So you just don't put yourself in that position in the first place. Don't be the "cool wife" it won't get you anywhere except walked all over. It's not controlling to say no to this. If he seemed disappointed that's another red flag. He wants an amateur hair cut that badly? I question if he'd even say yes to this if it was some bloke.

I cut my DHs hair and like another poster said it can be quite intimate, DH sits with his legs splayed (as most men do) and my boobs are a few inches from his face when I'm cutting the front bit so no I wouldn't be happy about a woman he so obviously fancies cutting his hair...

You are absolutely not being unreasonable or controlling.

He knew it wasn't right which is why he asked you.

Out of interest, what did he say when you spoke to him about him changing his jacket and asking her directly if what he was wearing was better?

I'd have felt hurt and angry at that too OP.

The fact that he asked you if you’d be okay with changes things. You said no, and that’s fine. He wouldn’t have asked if he was trying to get away with something. If you still feel that you might have been unreasonable, wait until this woman has finished her training, and YOU call up and make appointments for both of you at her place of business.

Massively agree with this OP. My husband has female friends and that's totally fine, but it's not fine if there's anything remotely flirtatious or attraction related there. I'd be annoyed to be asked about this by him tbh - he should not even want to go, because he should be protecting your relationship. What I would do now: tell him she can cut his hair but at your home with you present as the only available arrangement, and also tell him he ought to stop responding to any individual contact from her.

Tell him only if she comes to your house to do it while you're around.