To not let DH go to this woman’s house?

[Fellohesh]

A couple of months ago, we went out with some friends who all met up at our house before leaving together to go to town. Before they arrived, DH put his jacket on but I didn’t think it matched the outfit and I also just didn’t think it was very nice in general. I told him so but he said he likes it so he’s wearing it.

When everyone arrived, one of the women said “what’s going on with your outfit?” to DH, and he asked why she didn’t like it. She said something about the jacket and DH disappeared upstairs and came down wearing a new one and said “is that better?”. I felt hurt at the time that he didn’t value my opinion but cared about what she thought of him. The next day I asked if he fancied her, to which he replied “she’s attractive” I said if we weren’t together would he ask her out and he said maybe (the convo was longer of course but I’m trying to keep this short and give the gist).

He came home from work yesterday saying this same woman is training to be a hairdresser and has offered to cut his hair for free while she practices. He has thick wavy hair and gets a scissor cut so it’s not just a simple trim with the clippers. However, she doesn’t have a salon or anything as she isn’t qualified so it would be at her house. AIBU to say no to this?

It’s a no from me
Fine, if she wants to come yours whilst you are there

Some do but often the attraction to a married man is partially because it won’t go further than fucking

No.
For a start, availability is not the same as attractive.
You can't seriously think that an extremely physically unattractive single man is more attractive than a married Brad Pitt?
I mean really (?!)

(I say Brad Pitt as he is just shorthand for extremely attractive man that everybody is aware of.)

It's personal morality that stops women pursuing the 'Brad Pitt', not that he's married!

Some women just don't care.

Nevertheless if you've got a roomful of single extremely unattractive men and put say average-looking women in a room with them no women will be pursuing them.

If, however, you've got a roomful of very attractive married men there will be at least a few women who will be pursuing them. Oh yes.

How do you not realise this?
Or are you just joking?
I don't mind if you are.

I think you were right to say it would make you uncomfortable. It is good he asked you. Let her find someone else to practice on. Can’t be that hard for her to find an alternative.

Do you trust your husband?
If you trust him then it's fine, surely?

Do you honestly think he will go there for a haircut and not be able to help himself and end up having sex with her? That's a bit odd isn't it?

He's shown you the message so he's not hiding anything.

I guess you tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable and then he won't go out of respect to you but I think it's a bit odd to have such a level of mistrust around him.

And I agree with a pp, you sowed the seed of doubt about the jacket, someone else mentioned it so he changed. It just happened to be her but could have been anyone saying it.

@shuggles another thing is that some women would rather be a part-time mistress to an attractive man than with a man they've got all to themselves who they aren't attracted to.

It is what it is.

I’ve only read the op’s posts. I’d feel a little hurt by the fact if my dh reacted to the jacket like your dh did. Also, it’s quite rude for her, a complete stranger (almost) to comment on the jacket in the first place, and in your house. i wouldn’t want him to go to her house either for the haircut. An (invisible) boundary has been crossed, a level of intimacy that is getting your spidery senses tingling. Also, when and why did she get his contact details?

It is true that they may not have sex while he's round there for the haircut.

I really don't understand the absolutism about this.
'Trust him or not' is bullocks to me.
Of course when it comes to ardent philandering you simply cannot trust them.
A lot of men get sucked into affairs without ever meaning to cheat, though.

A seemingly innocent comment, a seemingly innocent request for help, a seemingly innocent request for coffee.
An emotional bond develops.
The man doesn't even realise it.
He ends up in a situation he didn't mean to.

This is why women have to do the nipping in the bud. Stop any new friendships with women developing.
We know full well what the other woman's playing at. They know we do too.
That jacket comment was clearly an overstepping of a boundary, maybe he's too dim to see it and meant no harm but the two women knew exactly what it meant.

Sometimes we have to do the thinking for our spouse and yes they do the thinking for us sometimes as regards other matters, too.

How do you think us gay people cope with having friends when in a relationship? We do go around our friend’s houses by ourselves without our partners accusing us of going to have sex with them. If someone is going to cheat then they will. Probably even more so if they are being accused of doing it. This is because the relationship is doomed.

This. It's wrong to tell a grown man what to do, but it is reasonable to have a discussion. I would also think that no amount of regulation would stop someone if they wanted to cheat or leave, so it doesn't help the situation. The OP should absolutely have a chat about how it's making her feel.

Record their interaction?? Have you heard yourself?????

Is that what we’re doing these days - putting listening devices on our spouses or making them use the voice notes app while getting a haircut?

Get a fucking grip man ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

In this instance it's possible to 'nip it in the bud' - and you're calling others naive?

It’s never possible to ‘nip it in the bud’ - you can’t stop it if it’s going to happen. If someone wants to sleep with someone else then they will find a way.

I don’t think he would go and have sex with her. But it’s just not appropriate is it? If you are married to someone, you shouldn’t be putting yourself in an intimate situation alone with someone else who you already find attractive. It’s a dangerous thing to do. Today it might be a haircut, tomorrow it might be a few more messages, then another haircut, then maybe staying for coffee afterwards etc etc. if this was just a female friend, then I wouldn’t think anything of it. But he is attracted to her so therefore it’s not appropriate.

The thought of my husband being alone in a woman’s house who he is attracted to, while she touches him and stands very close to him (bearing in mind when she comes to the front, her breasts will be at eye level), doesn’t feel good to me. That’s not a nice thought or feeling. Whether I think he would do anything or not, it’s the principle, and it’s about him having respect for me to not put himself in this situation. If he did not fancy her, fine. But he does, so that’s what makes the situation wrong.

They already followed each other on instagram. DH is a joiner and was doing some work on his friends house and his wife’s sister was there one of the days. I think that’s how they first met. And then she got a job at one of our local pubs a while ago and worked there for a few months so they already knew each other but weren’t close friends or anything

I understand that but realistically you don’t have any control over this situation. If he’s a decent man he won’t cheat. If he isn’t, then he might. He does sound like a good guy or he wouldn’t have mentioned it.

You can’t stop him, nip it in the bud or control him, however much you want to in this situation. Some of these suggestions from people are shocking!

This.

I have already posted this a few times but he asked me if I would be ok with it and I said no. It’s not that I have literally forbid (is that the right word? Or forbidden?) from going. He asked me and I answered his question. If he turns around tomorrow and says “you know, I have decided I will go over and get my hair cut” then of course I won’t and can’t stop him. He asked my thoughts on it, and I told him. I’m not going to chain him to the kitchen sink to stop him going. I am of course very aware that I can’t literally stop him

But the OP can at least TRY to nip it in the bid by making her feelings crystal clear. We all know how these things start,

Actually OP I apologise. I misread and got caught up with the batshittery of people suggesting recording him etc!

Doesn't anyone else find the “nipping in the bud” thing vomit inducing in terms of what it says about men and women?

There the obvious point that you can’t physically prevent someone cheating if they want to… which many of us have pointed out.

But also the “nipping in the bud” theory works on the assumption that a man relies on his wife to be the moral backbone of the marriage and enforce it like an the emotional equivalent of am electric fence. “Tasing” him when he crosses a line. Constantly telling him he can’t do things because they could be the thin end of a wedge that ends up with him shagging someone else.

I just find it nauseating to think of having sex and emotional intimacy with someone who is constantly looking for opportunities to gawp over or flirt with other women. How can you trust or be intimate with someone who a) has the self control of a four year old and b) is stupid enough to be constantly looking for opportunities to break his marriage vows?

Am I the only person on here who finds it astonishing that so many people think its worth holding onto these men?

Unless she is one of life’s outspoken women, it still seems strange that she had the audacity to comment on someone’s jacket. No one else said anything.

I think lots of people are capable of cheating. Sometimes it's just a couple of bad circumstances and wrong decisions away. "Sliding Door" moments if you like. I tend to think most people exist in these murky grey waters, rather than good and bad, black and white. Often people who cheat don't wake up in the morning and think that they are going to shag another person. But they make a series of shit choices first.
You will fancy other people in a long relationship, sometimes they will fancy you. You might have a weird life circumstance that makes you weaker to the boost an affair gives. You have to be a self aware person to try and avoid doing damaging things.
I think op is getting a hard time due to language used, not let, nip in the bud etc. Of course you can never control another person but you can explain that making unwise decisions can set you on a path you can't return from. Sometimes people need a bit of a wake up call to see this.
Personally I think he shouldn't have asked and put the onus on op to make the decision. It is dangerous territory, when there's mutual attraction, and a keen, single person. If it was me I wouldn't be messaging on insta with a person who I fancied and fancied me because I wouldn't want to mess my relationship up.

I think most people are capable of cheating.

I think most people are capable of murder.

Given the right circumstances, most people are capable of almost anything.

@DinoDoughnut81 I agree with you. This is how emotional affairs start, and dh has already half admitted he finds her attractive, plus responded to her in an intimate (changing jackets) way. It may seem nothing on the surface, but he’s acknowledging her and reacting to her.