To not let DH go to this woman’s house?

[Fellohesh]

A couple of months ago, we went out with some friends who all met up at our house before leaving together to go to town. Before they arrived, DH put his jacket on but I didn’t think it matched the outfit and I also just didn’t think it was very nice in general. I told him so but he said he likes it so he’s wearing it.

When everyone arrived, one of the women said “what’s going on with your outfit?” to DH, and he asked why she didn’t like it. She said something about the jacket and DH disappeared upstairs and came down wearing a new one and said “is that better?”. I felt hurt at the time that he didn’t value my opinion but cared about what she thought of him. The next day I asked if he fancied her, to which he replied “she’s attractive” I said if we weren’t together would he ask her out and he said maybe (the convo was longer of course but I’m trying to keep this short and give the gist).

He came home from work yesterday saying this same woman is training to be a hairdresser and has offered to cut his hair for free while she practices. He has thick wavy hair and gets a scissor cut so it’s not just a simple trim with the clippers. However, she doesn’t have a salon or anything as she isn’t qualified so it would be at her house. AIBU to say no to this?

So essentially you've just told your husband that you don't trust him

So because he changed his jacket at her comment and not yours your reaction was to ask him if he found her attractive? Did it occur to you that after the 2nd person commented he might just have thought there may be something to it after all?
You then proceed to ask the classic entrapment no win questions - do you think she’s attractive and would you go out with her if we weren’t together. To which he replied honestly.
Insecure much?
And as for “allowing him to go”. Who on earth do you think you are?
Controlling much?

I wouldn’t try to stop him as if he’s going to cheat he’ll do it anyway.
But you’re clearly uncomfortable with the dynamic and if he values your relationship he’d prioritise your feelings over a freebie given he’s already said he finds her attractive.
He’s done nothing wrong yet. She messaged him and he’s shown you it. You’ve shared your views.
If she needs the practice she could also give him a truly awful haircut. Possibly more! But that on him.
See what he does next and that’ll tell you how innocent it is. Or not.

This.

But when he changed, he came back down and directly asked her “is that better?” He didn’t ask me.. he didn’t care what I thought, he only cared what she thought. And everyone saw the interaction. They saw her ask him what he was wearing, him IMMEDIATELY rushing upstairs to change and then coming back to ask her opinion. That’s weird and uncomfortable for me. Which is why I asked him what the deal with that was and whether he fancied her.

You are not being unreasonable you don’t like it (trust your gut) and he should love and respect you enough to listen to your feelings on the situation. Personally i think she sounds like she’d far too familiar with him, they are obviously closer than you’re being told. Perhaps a visit together to the pub might make you see things clearer. But stick to your guns on the no as here already admitted he finds her attractive.

He asked her because she was the one who'd mentioned it most recently. It would have made no sense to everyone else if they'd seen her make a comment, he go change, come back downstairs and then ask you if it looked better.

Honestly, I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Please don’t try to be one of the “cool” wife's, your looking at your marriage here and he’s just looking at his ego which she is clearly stroking

I wouldn’t be comfortable with this at all. As PP said, you can’t stop him but you can communicate your feelings. How did he react when you said you would prefer he didn’t go?

And??? why do people say this as if it's a mic drop moment? Trust isn't something you're entitled to, you gain your spouse's trust by how responsibly you behave. This man is not thinking or acting like a married man and so quite rightly she doesnt trust him.

Look, I know my husband. I know how he acts around women, I have seen him interact with countless women before. This interaction was off. His fashion sense can be questionable. He gets the piss taken out of him all the time when he goes out with the guys from work but he doesn’t care because that’s just his style and he’s confident. This is the only time he has immediately gone to change. I asked him the questions because I wanted to know why her opinion mattered so much.

edited to say “questionable” is the wrong word. “Different” might be better

If he was going to try and shag her he'd do so, haircut or no haircut.

I mean you could say you're uncomfortable with him going to hers and ask him to see if she can come to yours? There's no particular reason why a hairdresser could only work from their own home. And if she's not trying to fuck him then surely she'll be fine with that?

Trust is not unconditional. It is earned through trustworthy behaviour. Going alone to the home of a woman who you have said is attractive and that you might like to ask out if your wife wasn't around to have a presumably crap haircut (given that she hasn't done one before) is not trustworthy.

You said it before me. Absolutely this. OP can say she doesn't want DH to do this and why. He can still choose to go, showing OP he doesn't value her as he should.

This!! Tag along.. 🤣

Hell to the No … who is this woman ?

Why doesn’t she just wax his back, sack and crack while she’s at it and then go shopping with him for a new jacket she would like to see him wear.

Absolutely not!!!!! If she wants to practice that badly , let her come to your house while your there.

He said okay but seemed disappointed. And I do feel bad tbh which is why I’m asking here. I know I’m pushing back on the people telling me I’m BU, but it’s just to get my feelings and thoughts across.

I don’t believe he would cheat on me, I trust him. But it just feels inappropriate and overly familiar when he has admitted he finds her attractive. Who would want their husband to be alone with a woman touching him who he fancies?! It’s just not nice is it. I don’t know her and her intentions. Is this the start of her messaging him more often? It’s just how I feel but if I’m out of line I will try to accept that

This. No one should be having to ask for permission to go anywhere.

You can of course register your disapproval but you can’t say no as presumably he’s not asking for permission, what with being a grown adult.

But you will be told on here that it’s okay to not ‘let’ him do things

It wouldn’t be ok with me either. YANBU

You're not out of line at all. The jacket thing was weird and definitely an overly familiar thing for her to comment on, it's kind of like neggy-flirting from someone he doesn't know very well. You know your husband and his reactions so your gut is probably right.

I believe that if you already find someone attractive and you are married or in a relationship, you should keep your distance where possible. You can be friendly, but I don’t think you should put yourself in a position where your feelings could grow.

If I was friends with a man who I found attractive and he offered me the same thing as she has offered him, I would decline because I would find it inappropriate and disrespectful to actively put myself in that position when I KNOW I fancy this person. It just doesn’t feel like the right thing to do

Inwardly I’d be screaming “if she your hair I’m cutting your throat” but I’d say that’s nice MrLwren, funnily enough I’m getting a massage from insert random fit bloke here because he’s retraining and asked could he practice his new skills on me.

Actually I probably wouldn’t, I’d just ask outright is he planning to shag the hairdresser because we’re all adults and know if she’s sliding into his instagram DMs, it’s on the cards here. If the answer was yes, then we work out a plan together if we want to stay together.