DH holiday misery - he’s fed up with the kids

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Writing this from what should be a dream holiday.
2 kids (3&4) who are generally terrible listeners, don’t care for consequences, don’t do as they’re told unless asked a million times. I am a laid back parent probably too laid back - but I also think they’re still young. DH however is not. He believes they’re should be sitting at the table speaking politely and enjoying family dinners peacefully every night.

he’s not enjoying himself one bit, kids are over excited, dysregulated, tired, a but run down but generally having a really lovely happy time. DH is so fed up, keeps saying it’s a waste of his time and money; how it’s ridiculous they just want me all the time, keeps hurrying then up like tonight trying to get them out and he says things like ‘we’re nit fucking around’ which I think is awful. He’s taken himself off to her tonight with no good night to anyone or omoffer if any help it’s feeling like he just Hayes his life!!

are aby 3/4 year olds that well behaved and eat everything ik their plate and don’t refuse food and have nice family conversation over lunch?

Its very hard for one parent to set and enforce boundaries when the kids know the other parent will override them

Not saying thats definitely whats happening here, but its a possibility, we dont know enough information to judge at this point

I think because he’s away a lot for work, and I am the default parent, even when he’s home, it’s a tricky dynamic when he all of a sudden demands things should be done a certain way, and criticizes my way of doing things.

Typical.
Away alot and a complete Sargent major when he returns.

Does fxxk all parenting and criticises you.

This is abuse of you all.

3&4 year olds absolutely can sit sensibly and eat properly. I do this every day with 18-20 of them at work with no tablets/ phones etc.

Our very lovely nursery director would be the first to insist it’s completely different when at home and especially when on holiday and she knows how hard it is for parents, she’s not a smug wanker.

Well yes but two excited sisters on holiday is obviously very different to a childcare setting. They sit to eat perfectly at nursery but thanks, good luck if you have your own kids

Plenty of other parents have commented that their kids sit and eat sensibly at home so need to be a rude wanker!

You asked if 3&4 year olds can sit and eat sensibly and I responded that they can! Seems like you don’t like that response after all!!

And of course the nursery director is going to say that! She’s hardly going to say parenting without firm boundaries is going to lead to confused children with poor behaviour! She’d get absolutely slaughtered as no parent wants their parenting called out! As has been proved on this thread!

And no we don’t have our own children I met DH later in life and while we discussed kids and would have loved children together we both know that with the jobs we do and hours we work we would be too knackered to parent properly!

He sounds horrible OP, but then I'm a relaxed parent who actually likes my children and appreciates they're little

This was me & my dad when I was growing up. He took a U.K. based job just as I was entering my teens & was suddenly home a lot more. What he saw as me getting away with
murder was just me & my mother muddling along quite happily, each giving the other allowances & space. My dad was far more authoritarian & expected me to say how high when he said jump. It wrecked our relationship, despite my mum telling him to back off & we only vaguely began to repair it when I was in my mid twenties.

Really appreciate that candid response thanks. This is something that bothers me - I don’t think he has any clue how difficult it can be parenting mostly alone, two small children. I manage well, but I have to allow myself the space to be relaxed sometimes otherwise I would lose my mind. He doesn’t see that, much stricter because he has a lot more mental capacity to deal with when he’s able to dip in and out

haha I can see why you think that but no, she’s very genuine, I volunteer on committee so have spent a lot of time with her.

This is an interesting perspective.

Family life is not about laying down the law or about 'winning'. It is about cohabiting affectionately and peacefully in a way that enables all members of the family to thrive.

Yes, the adults should be in charge but you don't build relationships with your children by demanding that they creep about silently and say "yes sir, no sir, three bags full, sir".

The focus should always be on connection and understanding the "why" behind behaviour. Good manners and consideration for others are necessary and should be encouraged because they improve the quality of family life and enable stronger connections to be built, but sometimes you have to pick your battles because constant criticism and belittling destroys those connections where patience and good humour strengthens them. It's wrong to expect parents always to be perfect, but the family home should be a safe space where problems are addressed patiently and with love.

Otherwise the 'cure' is often worse than the disease. Take table manners for example. Yes, it's not great if kids don't have any, and you may have to tell them something a thousand times before it eventually sinks in, but if the alternative is children being yelled at and one parent verbally abusing the other in front of them, you've really got to take a step backwards and question whether poor table manners are necessarily the worst thing in the world or should be parked for now until the bigger issues are dealt with.

OP, it's abuse of you and your children and you need to wake up to it.

He's not around.
Happy to travel and leave you to work and rear his children.

His thanks for all you do is to abuse you and ruin the family holiday.

I feel desperately sorry for your children and the damage he will do.

Your job as mother is to protect them from him.

Involve a domestic abuse charity if you need support.

What you don't tolerate is him becoming a house terrorist when he is around.

The damage men like this do is life long.

Anxiety and depression are rampant among teens from abusive homes.

Take this seriously.
This is not a good man.

Agreed. As I said earlier in the thread, you would probably be happier if you left