DH holiday misery - he’s fed up with the kids

[weetabix80]

Writing this from what should be a dream holiday.
2 kids (3&4) who are generally terrible listeners, don’t care for consequences, don’t do as they’re told unless asked a million times. I am a laid back parent probably too laid back - but I also think they’re still young. DH however is not. He believes they’re should be sitting at the table speaking politely and enjoying family dinners peacefully every night.

he’s not enjoying himself one bit, kids are over excited, dysregulated, tired, a but run down but generally having a really lovely happy time. DH is so fed up, keeps saying it’s a waste of his time and money; how it’s ridiculous they just want me all the time, keeps hurrying then up like tonight trying to get them out and he says things like ‘we’re nit fucking around’ which I think is awful. He’s taken himself off to her tonight with no good night to anyone or omoffer if any help it’s feeling like he just Hayes his life!!

are aby 3/4 year olds that well behaved and eat everything ik their plate and don’t refuse food and have nice family conversation over lunch?

Not to be pedantic, but that's not sitting still for hours during a meal. That's exactly what I did with mine, but pp's seem to suggest this is not great parenting as their child sat still during a meal with just some colouring. No amount of parenting and role modelling could have forced my children to sit still for that long.

This is very ignorant. Have you cared for children with SEN? No amount of mental stimulation, rest and drink/food will stop a meltdown of a sensory issue.

Ah great. There is hope for the uptight git then. Shame he's marring his kids childhoods with his moodiness

They’ll live.

Absolutely agree 100% with this!
I'm pretty strict in terms of nice manners, behaviour etc but because that was the focus early on I can (and do) take them anywhere! They're very well travelled, eat out a lot, go to theatre, lots of days out etc They know the expectations and because of that we all have lots of fun and enjoy ourselves when we're out.
We also like I Spy, Would you Rather, some simple (quiet) card games. But you have to put the work in when they're little.

Honestly I read that on MN a lot and think it's so sad, it's perfectly possible to have amazing holidays with young children.
Our youngest is 5 - she's been to Greece, Spain, France, America, Holland, Belgium, Austria, Switzerland, Germany, Italy, some of them several times. She would have missed out on so much if we had adopted the "same shit" attitude. They've been the best holidays of my life.

Goodness, have you spent any time at home in the last five years?

One reason we did a fair old few Puerto pollensa holidays when our son was young .

Our oldest is 8 and they're both in school plus me and DH both work full time so yes lots of time at home too 😊

We also do lots of road trips/rail travel so more than one country per trip.

well I have managed to raise two children who are and always have been a delight. They never got in trouble at school ever and have grown up into kind and loving people with a very close bond to both parents. I think you are the one who is over thinking things tbh. I’m pleased that your parenting style worked for you. Our parenting style worked for us.

Why do people expect children to be anything other than children?
This bit lasts for a very short time and then life goes back to normal.
I’ve raised four kids who were always really good. I was consistent. I didn’t expect them to do things they couldn’t cope with and I always got them to bed at a good time. Meals out were quick and kid friendly. We went child friendly places.
If they didn’t listen to what I said then there was consequences. We had great holidays and days out. Fairly stress free and amazing.
Your DH sounds ridiculous. He should have got dogs not children.

Does he do the parenting? Well behaved 3 and 4 yos are the result of A LOT of parenting. If he's not doing it during the week, he can't complain.
My XH left everything to me, and until today he wants DSs to magically do things right, with no guidance or teaching.
They won't do their homework or tidy up the kitchen if no one ever taught them to and enforced it.
These Hs are just idiots, they want everything delivered to them on plate by the parenting fairies, without putting the work.

Having young children is hard work. However, it sounds as if your children have few boundaries and your expectations are very low. Children can sit at a table and eat a meal at 3/4 years of age. Make sure you take colouring, small toys (cars for example), to keep them entertained whilst waiting. No getting up/down from the table and running around. Not only is that dangerous for staff carrying hot food, it's inconsiderate to other diners.

You need to look at your parenting as a couple.

Completely agree. Holidays with small kids can be amazing

Children survive all sorts of things. Doesnt make it right

I have to disagree. He has probably worked hard to pay for the holiday and had expectations of having a nice family time together. Maybe his expectations were too high but children of this age should be able to sit nicely and eat a meal without all this drama! I always tried to keep mine in their eating/sleroutine as much as possible even on holiday.

Not sure I've ever seen so many self-congratulatory parenting posts on a single thread before.... you're all winners, here are your medals 🏅🏅🏅🏅🏅

I don’t think this is true at all. We had many holidays (hotels, camping, caravanning) where eating out featured a lot) with our two pre school children who are two years apart. The key is realising that engagement is essential if you want your young children to be well mannered at table or when out and about. This takes work from both parents but if they are too lazy to do this then you get what you get. We never went anywhere without drawing materials and card games (before screens). But didn’t just expect the kids to entertain themselves, we got involved.
We were extremely proud of how well behaved they were. I remember in particular one occasion where we waited over an hour for Sunday lunch to be served at a swanky hotel in the Lakes. Our 3 and 5 year olds behaved as you would want. It isn’t impossible or even difficult.

Wow. Had no idea this would get so many replies.

well done to everybody that has fantastically behaved children

Just because I’m laid back doesn’t mean i’m gentle or my kids are feral. I just don’t mind if they have a slightly later bedtime, or more ice cream than normal, I’m happy to bend the rules for the sake of us all having a nice time.

they don’t run around the restaurant nor do they disturb others. They merely get a bit whingey when they’ve had enough. There’s a lot for them to do at this resort, a lot of it more fun than sitting having dinner.

we both work full time. I am default parent by a mile yet yes, he absolutely seems to think he knows best and has definitely ‘controlled’ the routine on this trip, at the expense of my enjoyment. They are both clingy to me, so I’m the one trying to get them to nap at 3pm knowing full well they don’t really need it but if they kick off at dinner I’ll be the one to get it in the neck if they’ve not done as he suggested.

so yes all things considered this is more of a DH thing. The kids are 16m apart, and best friends. They’re having fun, but they are young and don’t want to sit at a table talking about grown up things for two hours.

thanks for all the responses, we are all different as are our kids and our relationships.

I wonder if the OP is obstructive to him installing discipline, and that's why he's fed up? My grandmother and parents always taught 'learning to dance a yard, before you dance abroad '.

I couldn't coparent with anyone who's lax on behaviour, so I'd probably be miserable on holiday with them too. Sounds like hell, and I wouldn't pay good money to be miserable away from home.

Why go to a restaurant if it’s not working for you all? Just get sandwiches from the shop. Easier and cheaper?

I’m not lax on behavior not am I obstructive to him installing discipline. I’m obstructive to him doing it as and when it suits him and then blaming me when things don’t go as smoothly has he expects

Yes I have children with Autism and ADHD. My post was really to defend OP against accusations of laziness. I think she is already quite worn down by her DH and needs more confidence in herself, not to be further berated by strangers online.

I find (what has worked for us) in parenting ND DC is managing expectations and knowing safe environments, obviously knowing your children very well is essential.

I think it is probably also easier if you are ND yourself. My DC needs are social and mental health needs, they do not have additional physical care needs (other than common connective tissue and food sensitivity issues). Serious cognitive or physical health difficulties would be very different and I have no experience of that with my own DC.

Unfortunately I think people have run off with an idea of what happened @weetabix80 based on experiences of feral kids in public spaces and the assumption that your DH isn’t inherently unreasonable. Reading between the lines though, I think there’s not much point asking ‘AIBU’ for a specific scenario like this when it sounds like the main issue is your DH and his behaviour towards you.

Then it may be more fun and relaxing to leave the deadweight at home, and enjoy your holiday with your children.