Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

The difference between HDU and ITU is the level of care. HDU patients are usually there because they require more support than on a normal ward - for example post recovery after major surgery, or requiring specific single organ support. It’s classed as level two care and staffing is usually one nurse to every two patients.

ITU/CCU is for critically ill patients who need life support, ventilation, or support for multiple organ failure. It’s level three care, demanding round the clock monitoring and is often one nurse per patient.

Clearly DM is very ill but OP hasn’t mentioned critical illness or intimated that she’s dying or expected to die. I think this is something that some posters have assumed and it’s been assimilated into the thread as fact.

What an extreme comment. I feel for op’s DH, that’s all.
Maybe op’s remark was her adhd maybe not.
It was a strange way to get accross that a 90 year old woman had died, who just happened to have the same name as the DH’s mum.

@knittedbatman I didn't really come across the original #bekind campaign, but thought it was something to do with remembering the person at the sharp end of a pile-on is a human being.

The principle of being generally civil to others, including online, is one everyone can sign up to. I don't think that means sugar-coating or normalising bad behaviour. But I'm not sure we're ever at liberty to say exactly what we feel like, whether to neurotypical people, the neurodivergent, or anyone.

The OP's issue seems to be that she was inattentive during the conversation, not that she lacks empathy or relationship skills. Having ADHD is not the same as having 'no empathy or relationship skills'. With one of my kids, it's more that they have too much empathy at exactly the wrong moment, usually when late getting ready for school!

(Sorry for blather. There’s a tl;dr at the end.)

I’m sorry it took me so long to respond. It’s been a rough couple of days.

I’m trying to be a lot more careful about the things I say, the ways I phrase my opinions, so that not only do I stop unintentionally hurting others, but also hurting people who are going through what I’ve already gone through, am currently going through, or may someday go through, which means the amount of people I want to support is literally all humans, including you. This is the stuff I’m working on with my psychologist. I do not want to be the type of human who causes other humans pain when I can do something to avoid that. I couldn’t apologize to you until I was sure I wouldn’t just keep doing it to others. I don’t ever need to be 100% perfect at it, but if I know the problem, I can work on it.

ADHD burnout and recovery are very, VERY real things, and they are equally exhausting. But yes, I do think when someone is ready for healing therapy with the right therapist, then it will 100% help with the parts of your ADHD you hate. But by only saying that and not including my whole personal story of trauma (cPTSD because my father tortured me), it took me 10 years of weekly survival therapy before I could even START healing therapy. I had no mental space for healing. None. 0. My entire life had to change and I had to spend a month in a neurology ward and realize why people online react so negatively to me sometimes (I had a low level of self-understanding, even though I have great humour, and even though I joke about my humour being trauma-based - they could see the chaos I was projecting, and I don’t blame them for wanting it socially quarantined).

I understand that when you see a comment that invalidates the experience that you’ve lived, it can be incredibly hurtful, and I promise you, as one human in pain to another human in pain, who has seen the duvet from the inside, I did not mean it that way.

I didn’t feel capable of coming on here and apologizing until after this week’s therapy. In three weeks of talking therapy with a psychology expert, I’ve had more progress than in a decade of psychiatry-psychology treatment.

I know I have privilege in this area, but also not in others. As a result of severe disabilities, the NHS prioritizing helping me, and to try to keep my physical symptoms under control, that includes psychiatric that other people wait years for. I know I’m beyond fortunate. The second I have enough money to donate, it will be going toward independent research to improve the NHS, to help it survive, to make sure it can get back to its purpose, and sometimes yes, its purpose needs to be to make sure humans who can’t get out of bed get the help they need. Not just the worst cases, but all cases.

I regret that reality is not here for you right now. Please, if you ever just need to say to someone “gee ADHD/autism has been a real fucker this week,” I’ll just send you a funny GIF to help. No bullshit, no arguments. Just a funny GIF of some animal doing a stupid thing. Think if it this way. The NHS is happy to facilitate and fund a GIF provision for you 😂 I know it’s an absolute pittance, it doesn’t physically help you, but if you ever want it, it’s free and available.

Tl;dr: If I never hear from you, no worries at all. Take care of yourself. I know the internet can be harsh, but it is not rejecting you as a single monolith; other humans (out there) see you struggling, and know the struggle is real. ♥️ It was not my intention to make your life harder, and I regret that I did.

That's a very kind post, please don't apologise, you don't need to. We understand each other.

You're presuming he meant Judith Chalmers. I doubt he got past Judith.

I said this days ago on the thread. You don't think rationally when you're facing the imminent death of someone who you love or otherwise.. It's a hideous and traumatic thing to be going through and I'm not surprised that he jumped to the conclusion that he did. I would do the same.

Edit - and before anyone tells me that I'm 'unhinged' (again), yup, I probably am.

My son got transferred from ICU - one to one nursing to hdu - one nurse to two patients. Still pretty intensive high dependency. Albeit that was 2010 and the NHS has had a few years of being underfunded to sell to the US since then it may well be one nurse to fifteen patients now.

I feel for DH as well. Doesn’t mean I don’t understand OPs disability/. Nothing extreme about it.

Ello, sorry that must be the adhd and not reading it. I re read it after posting and thought "oh shit" as I just skimmed it at first. I do actually , have a degree in reading , English literature -god knows how Thank you for championing us. No I did not mean to attack you . I meant IMHO, professionals sometimes (not specifically adhd professionals but others e.g. GPs , physiotherapists) can assume they are an expert in a certain condition (NF1 is a health condition in my household & I once had a benefits physiotherapist tell me it was the same as neuroblastoma which is a childhood cancer...baffling and have numerous professionals assume because I am just a mum they know more about it than me, the person in the trenches with my family members....) . A paediatrician once made me cry because he tried to blame my son's adhd on my parenting . It was just my genetics . I don't mean your post is specifically against meds . I mean professionals in general can be dismissive when you are a SEN parent and have SEN needs yourself , and I have encountered many many professionals who are dismissive, assumed they knew better (but didn't) , felt they were somehow above me & frankly just did not listen . I worked as admin in various guises, for social care for a long time. I get i, some professionals can see a lot of people , get stressed etc. I did not mean it as a personal attack really and for this I am sorry . Perhaps I did not explain my point very well. I just felt attacked by the other posters not necessarily you and possibly have a chip on my shoulder for years of fighting battles with professionals who just didn't want to know in systems that were so hard to even get the basics for my son and my family x so , I apologise for my sins and bid you adieu.

Ps just to clarify some people's beliefs about neurodiversity or adhd not being 'real' let me explain what happens here /goes on in our brains and what happens :

• ADHD is the brains poor reuptake of the 'feel good' neurotransmitters dopamine & neurophrenafarine (I never spell the last one right, sorry). These neurotransmitters don't get taken up by the brain so when a non neurodiverse person gets a reward for completing a boring task , they get a rewarding feeling. Because our brains don't take it to the right place (the frontal lobe/front bit of the brain) we don't get that rewarding feeling you get. Meds help regulate the reuptake of the dopamine leading to better concentration.

The important thing to note is that the frontal lobe of our brain is in charge of the following and without medication, is therefore impaired in those with adhd. (& NB: Behaviour is brain based. I am in no way saying that we aren't responsible for our actions, or can't adapt etc or it is an excuse to be a jerk). It is in charge of: -emotional regulation we feel things more intensely -concentration regulation (basically we can't or unless very interested in a topic which is extremely frustrating for us and you....but can hyperfocus when interested) -executive functioning also known as organisational skills we frequently lose stuff , are late, messy , go off on tangents (notice this in my post)!! -impulsivity in speech /thought /action e.g. with money/no filter /etc or talking or interrupting others/being too blunt without meaning to be...

• restlessness /hyperactivity in thoughts, movement...etc

-forgetfulness and poor short term memory . This list isn't exhaustive. It affects people in different ways. Yes, it absolutely is a recognised neuro disorder e.g. it is a brain based condition. It is recognised as a disability. It is in the DSM 5 a mental health book ....there are a list of recognised symptoms. How do I know this? I researched it. I read about it. I have a son with it. I was trying to help him. You need an evaluation by a psychologist to get a diagnosis of it. The average wait time for an adult to be diagnosed is about 5-7 years. Do people view it as an 'excuse for poor behaviour ' because they can't see it visibly ? Absolutely 💯 Can we (often) perceptive adhd people see this and the impact it has on others ? 💯. Is this the largest cause of why people with adhd hate themselves, apologise for existing , overcompensate and often end their lives because we internalised that hatred? Also 💯. Including me. So please , treat others with a bit of respect in an online forum whereby you know nothing about a condition and assume the worst . Did I do this for sympathy ? No. I did it to make you realise your words and actions have meaning to those who try 10 x harder than you to be 'normal ' & 'fit in' in a world which wasn't wholly designed for them .

My dad’s terminal and if I heard someone casually say “Dave’s dead” I’d be pissed off and hurt too.
wouldn’t have moved out though.