Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

ADHD is no excuse for thoughtlessness

And yet Tourettes is. From my perspective, on blurting, there feels like a very, very fine line between the two.

Also, the advice other people have given to stop and think about what you are going to say makes normal conversation with any group of people who aren't making allowances for you impossible. The conversation will have moved on before you speak.

I suspect it's the latest in a long line if thoughtless behavior. For the record, my DH ( now deceased) had ASD and ADHD. It totally altered our relationship. I had some therapy because of the thoughtlessness and impulsivity he displayed. The therapist said after a short while ' who cares for you? Who supports you?' And I realised that no one did. And that was the problem. He had no insight into how his behaviour affected me, or any one else.

People can try to understand and support people with ADHD but must that always be at the expense of what other people are feeling/going through? Does her DH not need special care and support right now? I’d be curious to know what conscious steps OP has taken to support him in his time of need.

The word accidentally’ in the title should be replaced with ‘idiotically’
OP’s use of ‘accidentally’ shows that she is not taking responsibility for her actions.

You are obviously lying. No one does this. My siblings and I have watched the LotR movies more times than I can count. It was a fixture in our lives. I can recite the first movie by heart. And yet, I would never, ever in a million years refer to Elijah Wood as “Elijah,” with them or anyone! I would not stop a conversation to suddenly say “Oh Ian’s died!” (He has not, obviously, just an example). Nobody would know what I was talking about. This makes no sense. Doubly so if I had a close relative with the same name.

So, either the whole thing is made up for internet points (which is what I suspect), or what actually happened was that you said, “Judith’s died!” to purposefully mess with your husband, because you thought it would be funny. THAT was likely the impulsivity your husband is upset about—not an innocent impulse, but a cruel one.

But I maintain that the whole thing is made up.

It's not really comparable, though, because that's a fictional series in which the actors are known by another name. To be fair to OP, Judith Chalmers was obviously always addressed by her actual name on the programme.

That is true. Definitely a good point. It just seems hard to imagine referring to any non-mononymic famous person by just their first name. Feels so odd to me.

And once again, if it isn’t within the experience of MN it didn’t happen. Did you stop to think that the fact that OP actually did this is the difference between someone with her condition and someone without ? Do you understand ADHD at all, or do you subscribe to what seems to be the prevailing opinion that the condition is just an excuse for bad behaviour ?

How did you read a notification on your phone while talking on your phone? This story sounds odd all round.

Exactly this. The rush to condemn OP for something that happened as a result of a medical condition for which she’s about to commence treatment is actually quite shocking.

I do it quite often. I use loudspeaker a lot of the time and the screen is visible during the calls.

For the record, I agree with your therapist, the effects on those around loved ones with the condition can be brutal. But I think it’s still important to differentiate between something that’s deliberate and something that is the result of a recognised medical condition. Not sure you can blame someone for having no insight into the effects of their behaviour on others, if that behaviour is the ‘norm’ for them, and beyond their control. And I can’t help but empathise with sufferers of a condition that is so misunderstood.

I can related to the. Dh is amazing in how he practically cares at home, helps out a lot but no emotional warmth or connection. Sadly one of my dc has similar traits. You could literally be in pain, physical or mental, and they are not able to express genuine warmth, there is just an eternal dissociation, or they just remain focus on whatever was top on their mind before.

Then do you not think you should have some empathy and understanding for someone who clearly doesn’t have as much control and insight as you do, and who is only just starting the journey of treatment ? There are degrees in any disability and no two people will be affected in exactly the same way. A concept that seems to be alien to mumsnetters.

I think often the NT person in these relationships internalise this message too much and stick around in relationships that damage their mental health for way longer than they should. I know i did with ASD exH.

NT people can get stressed and depressed too, it is not exclusively the domain of the neurodiverse.

Well - people are a bit odd, aren't they. They're very rarely as we expect them to be. Best not to judge!

Yes, you were perhaps a bit insensitive in saying that sentence out loud within his hearing, but his reaction is totally OTT. Under what circumstances would you ever receive news of his mother’s death before him?! He must know that.

Surely you would have used the full name Judith Chalmers. Not just Judith, he will have gone though a huge emotional upset in those few moments before you corrected yourself, no wonder he is really upset.

It would depend what emergency numbers they had and which one they used, but the first thing on your mind wouldn't be how does she know, if your partner just told you Judith (your mother) has died.

That might be a later conversation with the hospital about how did they screw up the communications.

We do…..!
ditto David (Attenborough)
Judi (Dench)

This thread will not be any more useful to the original poster, or to other Mumsnetters, from additional posts making the point, repeatedly, ad nauseam, again and again as if they are the first person to have noticed it, that most people would have included the surname.

Because his mum is in high dependency ward at the hospital and they're all worrying about that.

If you told me David has died I would say David who, unless my father was called David and was seriously ill in hospital, in which case I would freak out!

If your dad was called David too though and currently ill in the high dependency ward, then you'd probably want others to be specific when doing a death announcement for Attenborough

No.

No.

I’ve known quite a few “certified” geniuses with the emotional intelligence of a gnat and this is usually their excuse too. It used to be my excuse as well, and then I realized, if a brain moves that fast, good news - you can train it not to speak.

So, I get it. You think this is something you can’t “help.” Good news; you can. Everyone else with ADHD makes their spouse upset sometimes too. But those of us who want to keep our marriage, we use the knowledge available and the plasticity of our brains to develop a two-second delay filter because we care, and because even ADHD brains have the plasticity to train. I am NOT trying to pretend this is an easy thing to do, but if your level of impulsivity is hurting the people you love most, it’s time to get help.

It sounds like you already have your ADHD diagnosis, so just tell your GP you need to get some counseling because your ADHD-related impulsivity is affecting your marriage. Just regular counseling. Nothing specialized needed. Any counselor that matches your learning style can help.

Schedule the GP appointment, apologize to your DH for upsetting him, and tell him you understand that this is something that upset him deeply, you understand he’s upset about your impulsivity in the past as well, you want to stop causing unintentional harm, and you’ve made an appointment to get advice for next steps with your GP.

Do not apologize to him if you think this isn’t your fault at all because brain is brain. You will do it again and again, if that’s the case, it will keep building the resentment he already had (that’s why this blew up; his emotions over his mother PLUS past resentment for your ADHD-related impulsivity excuses). Apologies require real action and introspection if you have ADHD, to make behavioral change “stick.”

This is NOT me blaming you.

I get that you didn’t mean to hurt him. I have ADHD and do the same thing sometimes. But my DH also knows I’m actively working on it in therapy and willing to try medication. It’s made a huge difference here; maybe it could over there as well.