Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

Oh yeah. Fuck. I see that now. See OP? I post before thinking.

Also @ThreadGuardDog sorry if I missed one of your replies; I’m looking for it. And yeah, I’m well aware of the post code lottery for NHS-only help. Believe me, I know the ADHD diagnosis wait in Scotland is currently 10 years. Talk to your GP, see which local private service providers they’ll “work” with (this is the secret path for those struggling with ADHD so badly it’s ruining their relationships and working life). DH had to get a private diagnosis here in Scotland. England and Wales have right to choose, so that can help. But I’m talking about general counseling from any counselor at all, and if your marriage is genuinely at risk… you have to be willing to at least do a Google. Anyway, right to choose for yall down south:
https://add.org/uk/nhs-right-to-choose-adhd/

No, it’s definitely not working yet. I’m only like two weeks into the test drive, and seeking medication at my appointment on 4 June. You’re 100% correct. I did not mean it flippantly, OP. I meant it very seriously. Flippant language is not flippant intent. The intent is serious.

But Jesus, you people are rough with each other. Holy fuck.

Presumably though your DP’s Dad wasn’t called Ozzy…

Having ADHD doesn't mean you have no responsibility to work on your flaws. I have ADHD but I still take responsibility for myself and constantly work towards improving my I pulse issues. Just something to think about.

Whatever, my explanation is closer to the realms of logic than the story we're getting.

Yeah, it genuinely helps me with the little things like that (agreed 100% it will not work like this for everyone). I have diagnosed ADHD. ADHD medication gives me that two-second filter and my friendships are now a lot healthier. I don’t claim it’ll work that way for everyone, but this is a brain chemistry issue, like many others, and my path to it came via neurology, not psychology. Based on your life path, you may view it as medical, you may view it a psychological. Either way, you might be able (no 100% success rate; no guarantee of which med) to assist your brain chemistry with help from medical professionals.

Even if he was, adhd people do not, especially when unmedicated, have the ability to not be impulsive. She knew her sister would know exactly who she was talking about.

Yes but by writing it you've made NT people think that all we need to do is pay for some therapy or possibly some medication and everything will be sorted.

I hope your treatment succeeds but from what I've read about therapy and medication that's far from guaranteed.

I'm starting talking therapy next week. Not to stop me from doing what the OP has done, but because it is so much hard work to avoid doing what the OP has done that it barely feels worth getting out of bed to live it.

But her sister didn't know who she was talking about.

It absolutely is recognised globally as a medical condition, which responds to medication. I understand perfectly well what ADHD is thanks - was a disability outreach and support worker for over 20 years and saw the effects of it in varying degrees almost daily - much more towards the end of my career as awareness of the condition grew, enabling better diagnosis and treatment.

ADHD is an officially recognised medical condition, classified by health organisations worldwide as a neurodevelopmental disorder in which the brain develops and functions differently than most people's, affecting information processing, regulation of emotions, focus, and management of impulses. It’s also listed as a medical disorder in the globally recognised Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders and the classified as such by the World Health organisation.

And I’m certainly not advocating for medication as a cure all, but in my experience it can be helpful in the management of the condition. I mentioned that OP was about to start medication, purely in response to posters implying that she was doing nothing about it.

'The point here is that her condition - for want of a better way of putting it - engaged her mouth before her brain had caught up properly. It’s a common trait of ADHD in my experience and one of the reasons that sufferers spend a lot of their lives apologising - largely because the condition is misunderstood and people automatically jump to offence.'

I disagree. I see a lot of jumping to conclusions and putting their own interprerations on things without evidence in those that I know with impulsive ADHD. Much more that I see in NT. Research seems to support that observation.

No, it’s just bad mindedness on your part and clearly a predisposition for believing the worst in people - nothing whatever to do with what OP has actually written. But then you know that.

Those two things are not mutually exclusive. Someone can do both, though not at the same time of course.

Speaking from experience again, though the conclusions that it looks to other people that I jump to are generally correct and a result of faster matching of patterns than NT people, which is also an ADHD ability.

I learnt at work to keep my conclusions to myself for 48 hours and then share them, otherwise people mistrusted how quickly I reached them.

Op you weren't talking to him.
Why on earth would he think you were ?!
Using "adhd as an excuse to be hurtful" isn't what's happening here. The frontal lobe of the brain makes us blurt things out...people are doing the equivalent of asking a disabled person in a wheelchair to try and walk harder.
He overreacted , massively, maybe understandably , but that's on him for listening to a conversation that wasn't even about him.

I don’t disagree and I’m familiar with research to support that. It’s part and parcel of the condition, but it still doesn’t mean they have any effective control over it. ADHD looks for patterns - which are not always correct. And it certainly doesn’t justify some of the appallingly ignorant and judgemental posts here.

And yes , medication helps, but only for 30% of the symptoms are reduced and whilst the meds are in our system. Just because you have been a professional who deals with it doesn't mean you know everything anout a subject and usually people with it are the experts.

Can you point me to where, in any of my posts, I’ve said that medication was a cure all, at any point ? Or that I know everything about the subject ? I was directing my own professional experience at those posters who clearly consider ADHD as nothing more than a free pass for bad behaviour.

The only reason I mentioned medication was in answer to posters criticising OP for not making any attempt to help herself, which is not the case, and to make the point that ADHD is considered and treated as a medical condition which can and does respond to medication. And I assume from your comments you have the condition yourself, so you will know something, as I do from a professional point of view, of how difficult diagnosis and access to help can be, given the state of current services in the UK. We’re on the same side, so what exactly is your problem ?

It would depend what emergency numbers they had and which one they used

Yep. I was first on the list of contacts for mil as the others weren't as easily available. Then I was the one spending time trying to get hold of one of her 'children' instead of a busy doctor/nurse.

Hence I was the first person to know of any emergency. Of which there were many!

A diversion I know but the pattern spotted is likely to be correct but it takes a high degree of critical reasoning to know if the conclusion that you are drawing from that pattern is or is not correct.

Does, for a simple little example, the fact that the last three buses were red then orange then yellow actually mean that the next one is going to be green?

Sorry, yes that’s a great point. I should have been more specific. This is what I mean about varying degrees present in any disability or health condition. A concept seemingly alien to MN. As with any disability, as well as the degree to which the condition actually affects the sufferer, is the consideration that no two people will be similarly equipped to manage it, and coping mechanisms differ from person to person.

Thread guard dog that's a funny user name surely Mumsnet HQ are the thread guard dogs. OP must be glad to have such loyalty from a random fellow Mumsnetter. I still stand by my original post and call bullshit. OP knew what she was saying don't blame her ADHD.

Such an iconic Big Brother moment 😂

To be fair to your husband. I can understand his anger. His mother is seriously ill, her name is Judith. Why would you Blurt out “ Judith is dead” it’s not like you know her and it’s years since she was on tv. Why would you say OMG? She was 90 and ill. Your DH is probably sick of the ADHD as a catch all excuse for everything