Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

Yep.
Your MIL is called Judith? And you blurted out Judith’s dead? C’mon OP 🙄
I can understand his reaction.

It's not about this situation.

The reason why he's reacted like this is because this is one of many, many things that's been annoying him or upsetting him over the years, and although what you did was an accident, it's sent him over the edge.

I think you need to be prepared yourself for the fact that this could have been the last straw for him and he'll be asking for a divorce soon.

I have adhd and asd and so is my whole family.
I can see why it would make someone go off on a tangent mid convo because they'd read an announcement, but it doesn't have any relevance to why someone would blurt it out using first name only when it's actually the name of the MIL currently in hospital.

I think maybe a little rush of excitement and attention for upsetting people gives OP a wee dopamine hit, like an immature teenager might.

Sounds like it's been pushed too far this time

But @DilettanteRedRagger the OP has already said, further down the thread:

'I’m definitely the one at fault I know that'.

Which should satisfy the online critics.

Though am just thinking of my cousins who used to have a ritual when one was made to say sorry: 'No, say it properly! Louder! Say it like you mean it! Babier!'

I agree. In OP’s DH’s case this sounds a bit straw that broke the camels’ back, but I think NT people can also be guilty of sticking around too long and blaming their ND partners for something over which they have little or no control. I think, as I said upthread, there is a tendency to lump ND conditions into one category with no nuance - as with all disability, there are degrees.

If you have the condition yourself, surely you understand that like any medical condition, there are degrees. OP has been clear on the fact that as yet she is unmedicated and shortly to start treatment. She’s also been clear on the reason she blurted it out, and the fact that the offence and hurt it caused was unintentional. Why would you pretzel yourself like this to try to prove otherwise ?

Yes, but we need to stop the accusations of 'ableist' at NT people who have to step away from relationships with ND or mentally ill people when it is directly damaging their mental health.

Unless OP has taken specific action to stop it happening again before apologizing, sounds like the apology will not be accepted.

My advice is unchanged. I said I didn’t blame OP and I meant that. I’ve hurt my spouse with my ADHD ways, and we’re doing well, because I’m willing to get help.

Are you ND ? If not maybe consider that you’re coming at this from an NT point of view. OP isn’t saying she doesn’t understand his reaction - she does and has reiterated that point several times. The point here is that her condition - for want of a better way of putting it - engaged her mouth before her brain had caught up properly. It’s a common trait of ADHD in my experience and one of the reasons that sufferers spend a lot of their lives apologising - largely because the condition is misunderstood and people automatically jump to offence.

Apology without action will leave your cousins yelling, “Do it properly!” Lolz.

I can feel your remorse OP & I'm sure you will be forgiven when your DH has got over the shock. This could be a time when you consider having ADHD doesn't exempt you from consequences for your actions. It's just something you need to work on.

And what specific action would that be ? She’s already said she’s about to start treatment.

@Branleuse and @chirrupybird yes point taken.
But honestly when certain celebs die….. no one in my family will need to use their surnames for us to know who we mean.

If you are an ADHDer apologizing without trying to change, you will lose people in your life. People you care about. They will burn out on your lack of filter. Buy a brain filter in therapy. I hope this helps!
(Much love,
signed,
an absolutely chaotically ADHD wife seeing an NHS neuropsych on 4 June -
anyone whose marriage is suffering,
consider the GP — therapy — psychiatrist path.
Yes, it’s hard to get an ADHD diagnosis right now on some NHS services, but if you already have the diagnosis, expect help in 3-6 months.

People will give you grace during the wait).

ADHD definitely doesn’t exempt sufferers from the consequences of their actions. Nor does it exempt those without the condition from better understanding it if you have someone in your family or social circle who has it. OP has said she is about to start medication, so has clearly been struggling up to this point. I can well understand her DH’s reaction - he’s already in a heightened state of anticipation of bad news because of his mothers’ illness, and as has been previously stated, this may be the last straw. But given that he’s her partner and presumably understands the condition I still think his reaction is way over the top. I think what I’m saying is that if you can’t stand the heat you need to get out of the kitchen. Sticking around and being constantly stressed by your partners’ behaviour and blaming them for it even though you’re aware it’s beyond their control, benefits no-one.

I still think it was a poor prank gone wrong at best. You wanted him to think it was his mum for an instant before the punchline it was Judith Chalmers haha. His reaction has genuinely surprised you and you have now rewritten it as a bizarre accident where you happen to exclaim Judith's dead in front of him. Your sister thinking it was your MIL kind of proves your family weren't on first name terms with Judith Chalmers.

People will give you grace during the wait)

Clearly not if the majority of this thread content is anything to go by. You are also clearly unaware of the state of MH services in the UK. In some areas it’s a postcode lottery and in others it’s completely inaccessible, even via self referral services, which are completely backed up.

I actually think this disgusting post says more about you than it does OP.

And it’s been brought to your attention previously that OP has taken action. She’s about to start medication.

Agree.
However having grown up with Judith Chalmers her full name was part of the culture. If my mum came in with a load of holiday brochures she’d get…
Who do you think you are, Judith Chalmers?
But Bruce Forsyth was also Brucie and it stuck.
Eric & Ernie needed no explanation but you wouldn’t recognise their first names on their own.

Buy a brain filter in therapy.

I think the fact that you could even write that suggests that your own purchase has not worked.

It's not a medical condition. It's a neurodiversity. Medication helps some people manage better and get things done, but I don't think you understand adhd or how adhd medication works or it's limitations.

How would adhd medication make someone remember to use surnames when making death announcements of people with same first name as seriously ill family members??

I agree. It was a mean prank that's backfired, and now blaming it on adhd.
It's weird and insulting

@DilettanteRedRagger what I meant is that some of the thread-followers are demanding the OP performs her apology to the thread, to the point that satisfies them.

Don’t patronise me. I know exactly where I’m coming from and I agree with others that this was a prank gone wrong and op’s DH has probably had enough of her getting things wrong due to her adhd to last a lifetime.
Judith Chalmers has always been just that, she wasn’t Cher!!