Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

[accidentallyUpsetHim]

I really badly upset dh by accident yesterday and I feel awful but I think his reaction is really over the top? I have ADHD and I really often just blurt things out without even thinking he knows this and it’s how I’ve always been. I totally get that I should have stopped to think but my brain doesn’t work that way.

His mum has been really unwell in and out of hospital for months and currently in HDU very unwell. Her name is Judith.

I was on the phone to my sister yesterday and chatting and had a notification through about Judith chalmers dying. We used to watch the holiday programme as kids and I just blurted out to her ‘oh! Judith’s dead ! I’ve just seen on my phone ‘ to which dh jumped up and went white saying ‘what???’ And I said no no not your mum and apologised as he looked petrified and I felt awful. He went absolutely mad saying I don’t think before I speak and how he’s had enough of me doing things like this.?
He went out and hasn’t come back. He’s staying with his brother as he text me that he needs space and he’s still angry with me?

It was a complete mistake and I know emotions are running high and I feel terrible but I think he’s blown it all out of proportion or do I need to beg and grovel for forgiveness?

Your ADHD is a reason you acted in this manner, not an excuse. As someone with severe anxiety around my parents passing away this would have made my body and mind go wild. Even just the fright. Dont underestimate what you have done to him. You have apologised. Just give him time to calm down and come around. It is a mistake but it’s scary if he is waiting on news about her anyway. I’ve only just learnt I suffer from anticipatory grief. It’s very real and horrible at times. I can imagine how he felt in those few seconds :(

That old chestnut

Agree

No we don't know but DH thought she was talking about his mum hence the assumption.

What a horrible fright for him.
Honestly OP I know you didn’t mean to do this, but sometimes that’s the point isn’t it? It’s thoughtless. This tells him that although his mother is on the forefront of his mind she’s obviously not on yours. I can’t imagine any eventuality in which my OH would have blurted out ‘Annemarie’s dead’ during the time when my mum was really sick (she passed last year). If I’d heard that I’ve almost have thought he was making a sick joke.
He didn’t overreact; his emotions are high and you were incredibly silly and insensitive.
You need to make a grovelling and genuine apology.

I can see why he reacted that way but saying that I think he is being unreasonable.

Why would you find out before him if his mum had died especially via a notification?

Your comment is disgusting! You clearly have no idea

You weren’t even talking to him! He was ear wigging and jumped to conclusions. Why would you get a notification that HIS mum had died? Why would you tell your sister first?

Id have said “why would you think I’d be telling my sister about your mums death before you knew? “

@icannotlivelaughloveintheseconditions
He was in the same room. The op blurted it out to her sister. His stress levels are probably sky high given his mother may be dying. Why is he the bad guy??

Because the op can talk to her sister about JC dying if she wants to
it’s fairly obvious she not going to be talking about her mil. A knee jerk reaction from sh is fine but ghd he should have apologised for having a go at her

I've not voted, because I don't agree with either of your options - his reaction wasn't too much, but I also don't think grovelling will help.

As someone with ADHD myself, it feels like you're looking to make yourself feel better here, and kindly, this isn't about you right now. You acknowledge that it was thoughtless and that you struggle with speaking before you think. I get that the ADHD is a reason and not excuse, but that doesn't mean he has to shove down all his feelings now because 'you can't help it '. It might mean in time, he calms down and can accept it was unintentional, whereas if it had been done intentionally he (presumably) would have just walked away, he might also decide that he doesn't want to be with someone that is consistently speaking without thinking, as it his right, even if you can't help it.

But this isn't a case of "he's overreacting and therefore is being unreasonable not to have already forgiven me" or "I need to apologise harder until he decides to forgive me". You apologise, sincerely without including the "I can't help it" aspect. Acknowledge the pain it has caused, that you are truly sorry, and appreciate he needs space to process. Then give him that space, maybe check in a couple of days later if you've not heard from him. A broken leg doesn't hurt less if it was accidental compared to inflicted by someone else, he still needs some space to regulate and heal. Making this about him needing to forgive you to absolve you of your guilt is making it about you, not him.

Requiring HDU care is pretty indicative of being critically ill.

@nocoolnamesleft HDU means very ill indeed - but not critically ill. See for example:

https://www.barnsleyhospital.nhs.uk/services/HDU

That doesn't mean that the mother-in-law shouldn't be at the forefront of her son's mind!

But so many previous posters are making assumptions beyond the few details given by the OP.

Ear wigging?! He was in the same room! How could he turn his ears off?! And he reacted immediately, so no time to think “oh wait why would she know first and why would she tell her sister”.

My DS was on HDU when he had sepsis, so I would say a person has to be pretty unwell to be placed there.

Probably from a site she's on on Facebook. Some of the tabloid sites do this. Really annoying.

Seems weird but I suppose that is ADHD. On the other hand if I was talking to someone about my mil I would probably refer to her as John's mother.

But, why on earth would he think that you had presumably been sent a text to say his mum had died….?

isn’t he next of kin? Wouldn’t he be notified?

He’s being ridiculously dramatic. Don’t worry about it. He’s making his Mums illness all about him

What an unkind thing to say.

@loislovesstewie I'm so sorry to hear your son went through that and hope he is all better now - it must have been so frightening.

Sepsis is terrible. I heard Martha Mills' mother on the radio and will never forget it.

You've just reminded me that one of my children was in an HDU ward for a few days after they were born (with me as well, of course) until feeding was established. It was a long time ago now.

I don’t think it’s unkind. I think he’s being u kind to OP as she apologised immediately and he’s an adult so knew straight away she meant Judith Chalmers. Staying away and refusing to speak is dramatic and unkind I think but I do take your point in that i expressed my view rather bluntly, apologies

Given how unlikely, in the context you've given, that your sister even would assume you meant Judith Chalmers rather than your MiL, I very slightly wonder if you were deliberately trying to upset your partner.

The pp was right. Being upset and on edge about a parent being very unwell is making it all about themselves = vile comment.

And now we have ‘he’s an adult so knew straight away she was talking about Judith Chalmers’. What does that even mean? Even the sister, a JC fan apparently, didn’t know who the OP meant and thought she was talking about OP’s MIL.

His mother's illness will be all about him in the context of his relationship?
Isn't funny how we are all supposed to be #bekind to those with no empathy nor relationship skills. Fcuk that shit.