Lend a Tenner to friend in financial difficulty?

[CertaintyOfTides]

Hello ,

So I'd like some outside perspective on this.
I've never been one to ask for money and have always paid money,probably taking it too far in fact . For example. Even if it was a £1.

So recently I've had a number of unforeseen issues ie . Poorly pets , deaths in the family and on my part , not being 100% thinking clearly .
I have a close friend , who we've both described as being like family . I know she has had issues before with lending people large amounts of money and being taken advantage of . She's since told me she never lends money .
Last week I found myself about £10 away from trouble bank account wise . I didn't want to ask for money but was desperate and texted her saying I will get paid in 2 days but can you please lend me £10 . And please feel free to say no .
At the very least as I thought we were best mates, I expected a text back .
Instead, I got absolute radio silence. I then recieved a text thanking me for her birthday card but criticising the present I got her.

AIBU to think that lending a close friend £10 for two days, when you have plenty of money and they are struggling should not be a big deal and that they should at least say no. Rather than ignore you .

Thanks .

The pets would be the deal breaker for me. I would lend you to feed your kids but not if you are spending on pets.

Shes been ripped off before so made a decision not to lend money again. You were well aware of this so you shouldn't have asked.
Put money away for emergencies so you always have a back up

I’ve had really bad experiences with lending money I’ve never got back. I am now like your friend and since you know this about her, you shouldn’t have asked.

A lot of people like to get presents for themselves...rather than something for the house.

That's awful of your friend.
I couldn't sleep knowing a friend of mine was worrying about a bill or being short of food, etc. I don't get why anyone wouldn't lend a small amount of money to a friend.... If they're your friend, they will pay you back some time in the future. If they don't pay you back when they have money, well, lesson learned, and you realise that they probably weren't your friend anyway.

About a year ago, I had a message on Facebook from a friend who I used to go out partying with when I was an older teenager. I'm now in my mid-thirties. I hadn't seen him in about 17 years. He asked for some money, and I could tell that he hated it, but he didn't know who to turn to. I lent him about £30.
I assumed I wouldn't get it back, but he messaged me a few months later when he was in hospital, And then he died a few months later. I'm so glad I lent him that money and showed kindness to him at his worst.

normally I’d say Yanbu, but, I have a friend who Is chronically skint; and a lot
of it is her own making.

she often forgets her purse or lets someone else pick up the tab and “I’ll pay you back later” and hints for stuff all the time: it can get wearing if someone is always borrowing

You disregarded the clear boundaries put in place by your friend:
" I know she has had issues before with lending people large amounts of money and being taken advantage of . She's since told me she never lends money".

Yet despite being told she never lends money, you seem to think that 'never' somehow doesn't apply to you. And given that you were able to get a tenner off someone else, you were massively unreasonable to have asked the friend in the first place. It becomes not so much about £10 but not respecting your friend and the boundaries she's put in place

She is not your friend!

Totally unreasonable. I had a best friend (we were very close and even lived together for a time) who started off with requests for £10 here, £5 there, pack of cigarettes, money for some food, it escalated to paying for electric/phone to stop it getting cut off. Always promised to pay me back, until he didn’t.
When I finally told him to fck off, he owed me £3000 and a new couch! Never saw that again.
So no, she isn’t being unreasonable. She’s protecting herself and probably pissed off you even put her in that situation. To you it’s only a tenner, but how often will you need a tenner. And if your £10 down one month, it’s more likely you’ll need £20 extra next month.

Hmmm I think its highly likely the friend knows the full story
Quite a specific thing to say " I dont lend money"

OP you do need budgeting help and it’s not about addressing frivolous spending.

you mentioned you bought the gift prior to finding yourself strapped for cash, and that was only a matter of a few days in between.

surely you knew at the time you were dangerously close to being broke and ultimately shouldn’t have bought the present?

I suspect your friend knows this too and is upset you aren’t using better foresight. As a friend, this is what I would have wanted you to do rather than buy me a gift and hit me up for loan shortly afterwards.

I would have been happy for a message or call…

Wow, it’s a bit entitled to claim someone has ‘plenty of money’ and it shouldn’t be a ‘big deal’ to lend you money??

They didn’t lend you money and now you are annoyed, but you’re desperately trying to justify to everyone that it’s not just about the money it’s about no text message, or what they said about a present etc etc. For God’s sake, own your emotions. If she’d given you the £10 you wouldn’t be on here b*tching about what she said about this or that, would you?

You’re an adult that has got to the point of needing to beg £10, that’s really not great on any level. Your own life is clearly a bit of a mess and you put your friend in an awkward position out of desperation. Yet somehow you’re trying to spin it as all her fault, and you want Mumsnet to hate on your friend?

Your friend not lending money I can understand. Too easy for someone with ‘plenty of money’ to be seen as a walking ATM if they casually lend money to financially illiterate friends. But listing all a friend’s faults on a public forum for every to give her a verbal kicking because she refused to lend you a tenner is pretty horrible.

OP said she had an unexpected bill. Unexpected bills are... unexpected.

I don't get this whole thing. As a one off I'd lend a friend £10, especially if they'd never asked before, which OP seemingly hadn't.

This is why OP needs to learn to have a buffer or emergency funds account. A budgeting advisor will help put a plan in place.

Why are you buying birthday presents if you are skint? Better thing to do would have been to tell her you cannot afford a present for her this year. There is your tenner

It seems as though she has held you to a standard in her mind that is almost perfect. When you asked for financial support you turned into "everyone else" does this friend have neurodivergent tendencies? I only ask as I have ADHD and its a trait I struggle with. If a friend gives me all the oh we are like "sisters" and acts as though we are inseparable. I get suspicion in my mind. Because I have had several friends over the years do this to me. I.e. sisters framed picture of us both. Or a charm with sisters for my bracelet. Then ghost me for what I can only understand be my inadequacy at gift buying. Not showing the same love of gift buying/wrapping they have.
I stay away from friend making now as I'm not particularly good at understanding the whole process.
I am sorry your experiencing this though. Its brought me great pain over the years.

No I wouldn't lend a friend a tenner, I'd give it them. I'd have transferred it straight over no questions asked.

I think this difficult I have helped people out so many times over the years but I’ve had both good and bad experiences I have loaned a friend £20 and it took years like honestly 4/5 years to get it back (this was before social media and smart phones) but then I’ve loaned a friend over £300 and had it back two days later and strangely the ones I thought would be a nightmare were usually the ones at my door at 8am on their pay day. My sister is actually the worst person and I stopped loaning her money over 20 years ago now as she hardly ever pays you back or she will pay half back she no longer asks me anymore thankfully. There are only handful of people I will actually help out now. I can understand this from both sides your friends and yours but I think you just have to respect your friends decision although I don’t agree with her not actually responding to you and there was no need for her to criticise the gift that’s just cruel and unnecessary.

The Op spent £25 on a gift for the friend knowing she had zero rainy day fund.
If you have no savings why spend £25 ?
It smacks of poor financial decision making

Any one of us could get an unexpected bill- which is why you should save a buffer amount.

If one unexpected bill puts you into absolute financial crisis to the point of having to beg your friends for money then no, you should not be spending money on presents for them.

If OP had bought a cheaper present for her friend- like a £10 bunch of flowers for example the OP wouldnt have needed to go begging for ten pounds because she would have had £15 left over and so this would have been completely avoidable. Spending unnecessary money on your friends and then asking for it back is rude and is absolutely poor financial decision making.

How big a buffer is acceptable before you are allowed to buy presents though?

Op said she had £100 left so that’s what she got the £25 gift out of.

Clearly spending £25 was too much then wasnt it?

Or, she could have arranged an overdraft with her bank for emergencies or put the bill on a credit card. There are lots of options apart from asking your friends

£100 total spare money
No savings?
Silly to spend a quarter of that on a friendxwhen a bunch of flowers would be fine
Lets say Op has 10 family/ friends per year to buy for= 250 on birthday gifts
If she spent £5 on each= £50
Op has a £200 buffer
The minimum buffer recommended to stay out of debt when unexpected things arise is 1K, Im aware that this is not always possible
However if Op is making one unwise money decision like this, its usually the case they make others

This may sound harsh but-
what kind of friend ignores a text and criticises a gift?

But equally,
what kind of friend asks to borrow money (no matter how much or little) even though they’re aware of the feelings on this?

You know how she feels, you know she’s had people taking advantage of her. If you’re desperate, ask another friend/family member.

' was not eating dinner , going to bed in clothes and had no heating and was greiving '

£10 meant all that to you ? in May 2 days before you were due to get paid

how on earth would you have bought food and paid for gas / electricity for the heating with £10

clearly you cannot afford to be buying birthday presents for friends if it leaves you that short