Lend a Tenner to friend in financial difficulty?

[CertaintyOfTides]

Hello ,

So I'd like some outside perspective on this.
I've never been one to ask for money and have always paid money,probably taking it too far in fact . For example. Even if it was a £1.

So recently I've had a number of unforeseen issues ie . Poorly pets , deaths in the family and on my part , not being 100% thinking clearly .
I have a close friend , who we've both described as being like family . I know she has had issues before with lending people large amounts of money and being taken advantage of . She's since told me she never lends money .
Last week I found myself about £10 away from trouble bank account wise . I didn't want to ask for money but was desperate and texted her saying I will get paid in 2 days but can you please lend me £10 . And please feel free to say no .
At the very least as I thought we were best mates, I expected a text back .
Instead, I got absolute radio silence. I then recieved a text thanking me for her birthday card but criticising the present I got her.

AIBU to think that lending a close friend £10 for two days, when you have plenty of money and they are struggling should not be a big deal and that they should at least say no. Rather than ignore you .

Thanks .

There are two types of people in the world - some are generous and compassionate about other human beings and others are extremely selfish and lack any kind of empathy. This thread is a perfect example of that. I take it you are a caring, compassionate type that would help a friend, your 'friend' is not. It says a lot about her and I suggest you put a healthy wall up - no more gifts.

I think unless you've been in the friends position it's hard to understand how it feels. I had people borrow money from me loads of times when I was in my 20's. I had a friend who'd come over and have a takeaway but just say she'd owe us for the food and then also beg for a lift home as she had no money for the bus home either. Another friend that used to just say can you get the bill and I'll pay you back, they didn't let on that they had no money and meant in about a month's time. A boyfriend that would just ask me to pay for stuff until he got paid that ended up owing me £1500 and took months to pay it back. Another friend who ran out of money on holiday so I lent her a few hundred pounds for the remaining days. I ended having to keep track of everything I lent out or I'd still be owed over £2000. It's also annoying having to keep asking for your money back off people.

You end up feeling taken advantage of and like a cashpoint! Every single one of those examples was someone doing something they couldn't afford and just expecting someone else to bail them out. I'm sorry but that's exactly why they were needing to ask for money. They should have just not come for the meal, not gone to the corner shop or not gone on holiday. People with thousands in the bank wouldn't have that if they gave money to everyone who asked, they're often in that position because they're good with money and think ahead. By mid 30s I don't get asked for money often or at least it's paid back within a couple of days but I'd be reluctant to start doing it more regularly again.

Admittedly I'd probably have just given you £10 but maybe it just brought back all the memories of times she's been taken advantage off. You might be better asking her for financial advice to get you on track rather than for actual money, she might be able to help your whole situation rather than bail you out before you run out again in future. She'd probably tell you to hold some money back so you don't run out, so don't spend any of your last £50-£100. No birthday present would have been a good idea, I'd rather a friend didn't get into debt buying a gift they can't afford.

did you miss this part? she HAS lent people sums of money before and hasn't got it back! "I know she has had issues before with lending people large amounts of money and being taken advantage of"

Dump her. That's not a friend. I had problems once when living with my ex. My friend (who has since sadly died) came into my office for a chat and found me sad & tearful and asked me what on earth was wrong. I explained my situation and straight away she asked for my bank details & transferred £200 without question nor demands. She saved the day & got it straight back on payday, now THAT's a true friend.

If she doesn’t say yes, then it’s a no.

Silence is absolutely a no.

Obviously we don’t know the full circumstances and I have a rule of not lending people money but if you’ve been best friends for 35 years and you’ve never asked before, then I would have definitely lent you it.

I find it odd that she was rude about your gift and then wouldn’t lend you a tenner - I think there’s something bigger going on and sounds like she’s trying to back off from the friendship.

Actually it is. It is a very powerful message of silence. She told you previously she didn't lend money, her silence in response to your text was your 'no' answer.

£10 doesn't sound like much to ask to borrow, even if she has had previous issues with people not repaying. Did she maybe miss your message? Sounds strange they she just didn't acknowledge it at all.

Yeah CF ALWAYS call others selfish for not handing over cash on demand
I dont discuss money with anyone other than my DH and adult DC, it never comes to any good as you attract entitled people who cant manage money.
The greedy always say I would lend to you, but they never do as they never have any money 😂

Oh and it always starts as just £10, then they get their foot in the door and its non stop.

Thanks for the replies. To reiterate, I did not buy her present and then ask for the money back for it.. I ordered the present online a few days earlier . I then had an expected bill.

I don't wish to derail my own thread about the present.

In terms of those people who never lend money. Are you saying if you had a lift from a friend or a takeaway you would pay them in advance? From my point of view friendship has give and take and trust involved.

I ordered the present online a few days earlier . I then had an expected bill.

And the bill requires payment within 2 days?

This all seems very strange and if it's an unexpected bill then why are you only down ten quid? surely if you are only down 10 pounds you could set up a repayment plan for the bill as you have it all apart from the last £10?

No i wouldn't pay in advance for a lift or takeaway but I would pay immediately after where possible. My friend will order food for lunch and I'll just transfer it straight over on my banking app sometimes before the food has even arrived. When someone knows you have the means to pay them back it's a very low risk to them. If you delay paying them back then they'll learn not to lend money to you.

Temporarily lending money for something you can already afford is a very different situation though, you wanted to borrow money that you couldn't immediately pay back.

I’d give you a tenner personally. In her defence she made it very clear before you asked her that she’s done with lending money to people. so it was awkward for you both for you to ask. She has set a boundary. As others have said she prob felt uncomfortable about saying no. I hope you sorted out the £ to tide you over. Unfortunately lending money came between her and others in the past and now it’s come between you and your friend. I would try and come back from this and respect her decision not to lend money. You asked after she’d made her position clear.

PlutarchHeavensbee Best answer. It’s horrible I know from personal experience but that’s the rule ‘never a lender or borrower be’

She definitely didn't miss the text . She replied on her birthday, saying thanks for the card but I have to be honest and tell you how much I hate your present. Would you like a photo?
I then responded saying ok and I guess it was a no re money. And she said yes, sorry.
And here's a photo!

The people she lent to before were more like acquaintances not lifelong friends . So I guess it just feels a bit distrustful from her to lump me into that same category .

To me it is really just £10 . I thought i mislaid £10 note yesterday, I didn't get very flustered. She sends me presents from charity shops , which I hated but I didn't tell her.

To those suggesting I need financial advice . I don't drink, smoke or do drugs . I barely have takeaways, just the occasional coffee when I'm feeling exhausted and out and about.

You make it sound weirdly transactional for a friendship... I wouldn't really consider that "lending money" ... Just a cyclical thing, I get the takeaway this time, you get it next time. If I couldn't afford to do that I wouldn't offer. And vice versa.

As she is not happy with her present, I would ask her to return it to you. Then do not buy her anything else in the future. If you value her frienship let it go, but be wary of things in the future. Once bitten twice shy.

Are you sure she criticised your present or the fact that you sent her a present when you don’t have £10 available?

Surely, if you are that hard up, you don’t give people presents and then ask them to borrow a tenner! Any friend would understand.

You asked her to give you money knowing she doesn't do that, pushed her to answer when she didn't respond so she said no, and now you are bitching about her and how she should have just given it to you because she has so much money on an international website. I would say she is right to be distrustful about you.

I think you need to let this go now @CertaintyOfTides
She said no, you pushed, she said no again
No amount of mental gymnastics about who is right/ wrong and drip feeds is going to change that.
Work on your finances
If £10 is crunch point for you ( and I appreciate people count every penny )then please consider why you are spending £25 on a birthday gift when you have no rainy day fund to fall back on.
In that situation I would send a nice card or a card and a plant.
Im wondering if there is a back story of unwise financial decision making , your friend is aware and has rather clumsily tried to put you off buying her gifts .

Focus on and prioritise yourself, build a small emergency fund so that your friendships arent vulnerable to collapse over money.
Its a common theme in codependent female friendships

“In terms of those people who never lend money. Are you saying if you had a lift from a friend or a takeaway you would pay them in advance? From my point of view friendship has give and take and trust involved.”

I’m not sure this is the same. If I was going to a friends for a takeaway, I would have the cash ready to pay the person straightaway. I wouldn’t agree to the takeaway if didn’t have the means to pay for it. If the friend requested the money upfront, that would be fine also.

Yes, friendship does have to be give and take, such as taking turns to buy coffee.

The "it's just a tenner".
I just tallied some "just a tenner"s over the years I can remember before loan ban and it's bloody nice large dining table worth.
Just a tenner....
Pretty sure lots of" just a tenner"s here who would arrive to considerable numbers too

That's all folks . Hope you all enjoy the sunshine

Agree
Essentially its the context that Op keeps ignoring

Unwise decision in an already tight financial situation,lack of accountability and boundary pushing

Vs

Your share is £10, its my turn to get the coffees etc

Context is everything

Op said her friend doesn’t lend money after people didn’t payback “large” amounts. Regardless of whether you have it or not £10 is nothing. Less than minimum wage.
Even if Op never repaid it, her friend wouldn’t miss it,
Ghosting your friends calls is just rude and childish. A simple “ sorry I can’t you know my thoughts on lending money” was all that was required.
This isn’t bitching, it’s an anonymous place to get thoughts and opinions,