Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

Thank you, yes I have asked him twice to move out and he has refused, on the basis he doesn’t have anywhere to go and that he pays more of the Mortgage than me. I suspect the real reason is he would have to tell his parents what’s going on if he was to move in there.

Maybe you should tell his parents about what’s going on. Rip off the plaster! They are surely going to find out anyway if he looses his job and let’s face it, if he tells them - it will be a very fanatical and dramatic story where he is the victim!

He doesn’t want to give you space because he knows what will happen!!

is the house big enough that you can make a space for yourself away from him?

and I’m sure you’re right about not wanting to tell his parents - will be interesting what story he tries to spin them. Hopefully over the weekend he will come to his senses and follow the union reps advice

Given that your meeting is after the hearing I would email the law firm immediately and say something along the lines of:
"With regard to our meeting on [date], I am seeking advice on divorce. Please note that I have been separated from my husband since [date]. Whilst sharing the marital home we have not shared a bed since [date] and are carrying out domestic tasks separately. Please note the date of separation on your records as I understand this is pertinent to the divorce process. I should also make you aware that my husband is currently subject to a gross misconduct hearing at his workplace, the outcome of which may affect his employment status and income."
It's really important that you establish your separation date clearly on record, as this is relevant to the financial settlement — particularly what counts as a matrimonial asset and from what date. Make sure the separation is genuine and demonstrable: stop sharing a bed, don't cook for him (though you can't stop him eating leftovers — just don't serve him), make him do his own laundry. These practical steps count as legal separation even when you have to share a home.
One thing worth knowing: divorce in England and Wales is no-fault, so the courts won't punish him for his behaviour when granting the divorce itself. However, the misconduct hearing matters for a different reason — if he loses his job, his income changes, and that directly affects any maintenance payments or financial settlement calculations. Your solicitor needs to factor this in from the start.

I was just about to say something similar. Could you explain it to them and ask if they will invite him to stay with them for a while so they can support him and give you both a bit of breathing space. I suspect that if you badge it as supporting him they will be keen to help.

Thank you, I will do this.

I would be worried about his reaction if I did this, I am also mindful of health issues one of them has so feel he shouldn’t get out of it by not telling them himself.

No don’t tell his parents. That is driven through vengeance and is just going to add another layer of hostility and stress.

they are going to find out soon enough and you don’t need to lie for him but I wouldn’t be going out of my way to tell them. They are going to be hugely disappointed and disgusted in him but he is still their son

My suggestion was not at all driven by vengeance as you suggest but simply looking for a way to remove him from the house to give OP the space she needs and to make it clear for the divorce that they are separated.
When we divorced my in laws were extremely helpful as they put our children as first priority.

Fine - it looks like vengeance and may well make him dig his heels in and/or turn nasty. His parents may not even let him move in

OP has done well today in moving forward and pp suggestion of emailing the lawyer is a good one. Let him focus on work issue rather than impending divorce

@Welshie2

Your thread is now on page 39.

Please consider starting a 3rd one.

This sounds like great advice 'Frillysweetpea', and I'm pleased to see that the OP plans to follow it.

OP, please get on and do this TODAY!!

Welshie

Well done. It must feel like the bottom has dropped out of your world. You have been given some good advice on this thread and I’m glad you were able to find the strength to follow it.

Remember that you owe him no more consideration and loyalty than he showed you. You really don’t have to be the bigger person.

I think it's also time to tell your family and confide in a friend or two. You could use the support.

Yes I will, I dread to think what will have happened if I didn’t get some of the advice on here.

I agree with this. I think it would be really helpful to have support irl from friends and family you trust.

I agree with this. It’s hard to get it out, but once you’ve told some trusted people it will help you normalise the situation and move forward.

Good to read that you are finding your backbone. This will confuse and disorient him if he is used to you doing as he thinks/wants. This is a good thing as it keeps him on the back foot.

I suggest you use a different board to AIBU for any future threads - Relationships or Divorce might be better. They attract a different crowd and tend to be less fast paced/pushy.

@Welshie2 would you post a link in here to the new thread please so we can find you again. Thank you

I also agree with. Don’t keep his secrets and shame for him. I did with my ExHs affairs and so wish I hadn’t. I thought everyone would blame me but instead once I finally told them I was divorcing him, they all had an idea (at least) what he was like and couldn’t have been more supportive.

Play hardball. Tell him if he doesn't move out and give you the space you need you will tell his parents.

I also agree about telling your family/trusted friends. I think once you say things out loud, and your loved ones also see how bad his behaviour is, that will help your clarity and resolve.

Well done @Welshie2

Keep hold of that determination when your H starts bleating about needing your "support", i.e your savings.

@Welshie2

@Frillysweetpea 's advice is spot on! Establishing the date of separation can have an affect on many things, including debt.

I'm in the US and although the US/UK legal systems aren't identical, they are similar in many ways.

My date of separation sheltered me/my assets from my esDH's (estrangedDH) DUI & any resulting costs. It also protected me from any debts he incurred after that date (I think UK law is different on marital vs non-marital debt).

One thing to double check on. Be sure to find out what date 'rules' spousal/child maintenance. In the state I live in for debts & assets it's the actual date of separation (regardless of filing date) although the final judgement may affect it if someone 'played funny' with assets or made an honest error. But (again my US state's law) when it comes to INCOME considered for maintenance it's the actual date of FILING that determines that, not simply the date of separation. For example (not my dates) if someone's date of separation is March 1st, but they don't file until June 1st, the date that 'rules' is June 1st. The reason I bring this up is so you can clarify UK law AND be mentally prepared to file right away if that is best for you, based on the fact that at this point his job appears in serious jeopardy. It's likely you can file and then take no further action should you need a bit of breathing space before proceeding.

PS IANAL, this is just based on my experience.

PPS As far as telling his parents, would saying 'They need to know so I'm going to tell them' get him out to a friend's house? And if you don't mind my asking, what is it you're afraid of as far as his reaction?

This lady is worth following on instagram and face book she’s a lawyer specialising in divorce and separation law.
you can ask her questions etc.

Tracey maloney the legal queen.
there are loads of clips of similar settlements to yours.