Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

Good grief ! he is having a laugh and taking the total piss out of you.

You are going to divorce him, aren't you.

You need to reread your opening comment in this thread - not only did you realise / discover he has been having an affair but his employer has realised it too and is about to sack him !!!

If you let him be the main carer for the child/ren you will end up paying cms to him as he will be the main parent.

Time to rip off the plaster and tell him and take action - you can start divorce proceedings online these days - did you know that ?
this link takes you through the whole process...

https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

Good thing that a divorce only needs one person to file.

he doesn’t get to say “no you can’t divorce me”

you don’t have to leave the home right now but you could start the separation/ divorce proceedings.

I think she’s correctly biding her time and waiting for the right moment. Looking for clues as to what he could be planning.

OP

don’t allow him to be the stay at home dad

if he loses his job he will simply have to find other work while he appeals. That’s a non negotiable. Be firm with him that your savings are not being touched because YOU PROMISED YOURSELF that it would be used on something meaningful in your future like a house move. Use his own words back at him and grandads inheritance is just going to have to be dusted off.

build up a secret cash reserve too

do you have any friends or relatives you can discuss with?

I’d say using the money to feed your children because you’ve been sacked for shagging your colleague is about as meaningful as it gets.

This is just more bullshit from him.
You so desperately need legal advice.

"Morally"? That he could use the word.

He is utter scum, and miles ahead of you.

Do not give him access to a penny.

You need a donestic abuse organisation to advise you.

Are you serious about wanting to divorce him or did you say it for him to to take your hurt seriously? I’m not having a go I just think you need to reflect on how you are really feeling. Because if you were serious and knew the relationship couldn’t continue after this betrayal then him not caring about the pain he has caused would reassure you that you were making the right decision. Instead you seem to be working with him to find a joint solution to the financial situation when he loses his job rather than considering how you will put you and your DC in the best position possible.

He doesn’t deserve your support and attention. He deserves to deal with this problem on his own. You have told him you want a divorce so you should be protecting your half of your assets and any legal fees fighting his dismissal should be taken from his half not yours. That’s what happens when people separate.

Ask yourself if you will ever feel safe in this relationship knowing the facts — he is guilty of sexual misconduct (even if you are generous and don’t think he actually had sex with her), he made out it was your fault because you looked at his phone and your relationship had gone stale, and has taken no responsibility for the situation he is in or the hurt he has caused. He’s giving you nothing to even consider continuing the relationship let along supporting him financially.

The fact you even let him get away with saying that without pulling him up on it suggests you aren’t ready to stand up for yourself. I think eventually you will regret holding on for so long when shit hits the fan. He doesn’t care about you and he’s shown you and told you as much. Sorry OP it’s a horrible situation. But hiding from it won’t help.

Do you have siblings you can talk to? A parent? The friend you have previously talked to? You need to make this real and talk to people who know you, love you and can be angry on your behalf. The shame is all his to bear, not yours.

He isn't going to believe you until you show him you mean it. I (we all) understand it is incredibly daunting and overwhelming. You want to turn back the clock and it not be real. That isn't possible. The only option you have is to face it head on, to find your strength and take back the control. Start telling him how this is going to go.

Depending on where in the country you are, I bet there is a MNer who can recommend a lawyer. Don't bother with 'free' half hours, you need to go armed with as much info as possible so you can have a meaningful conversation.

It has been so quick you must be reeling. But you don’t have the luxury of time or to wait until everything is steady.

He will spend all your savings and then claim the inheritance is solely his, kept separate and in his own name so isn’t a marital asset and shouldn’t be included in any settlement.

Stop engaging with him - he lies. You can’t trust anything he says now. He is no longer the nice guy you married.

He will spend all your savings and then claim the inheritance is solely his, kept separate and in his own name so isn’t a marital asset and shouldn’t be included in any settlement.

👆

If you think the OP is a troll report the thread.

@Welshie2 make sure you read this.

It would be a bad move for OP to move out of the marital home - it would leave him as being the main carer of the children and able to claim child and spousal support when he does lose his job. Ideally she needs to ask him to move out, or if he won't (and I reckon he definitely won't) have a legal separation declared - there's a process for this, though I don't know what it is, probably through her lawyer.

In theory neither needs to move out while a divorce is ongoing, my DSis lived (unhappily) with her ex until after the divorce was done and the house was sold, as neither could afford anywhere else to live without the house money.

‘Morally’ ?!? I would have laughed in his face. What a prat.

Love this 🙏🏿

Agree he’s trying to ringfence his inheritance in case of divorce. The SAHP thing and getting you to go back to work is coz he wants you to end up paying him maintenance. He’s trying to protect himself financially in case of divorce and screw you over as much as possible.

So what are you planning to do? If it's just more navel gazing about what he's saying and doing, it's pointless people giving you advice. You need to take control here, for your benefit and your children's.

He ends up with the kids, the house, the inheritance, and you paying him child maintenance. He couldn’t be THAT Machiavellian surely.

I meant she would take the child with her. He’s not fit to look after the child. But it also sounds like he’s staying put and OP is obviously unable to think clearly with him around. She needs to get out of even for a week. Go stay with parents perhaps

I’d suggest legal advice first as leaving the marital home may well work against her

Don’t leave the home. Don’t use your savings. Don’t up your hours.

Make sure you’ve got proof before he gets fired that you are seeking divorce.

Evidence of the status quo at time of starting separation.

Even if she’s just going to her parents for a week?

OP - what’s the situation on the house? Is there much equity?

I'm sorry you feel so broken OP.

I don't wish to add to the pile on, but you don't have the luxury of spending your evenings crying and feeling sad. That's for later.

You need to find your anger, your resolve and a steel spine, because at the moment he is very carefully laying out the path that sees you and your kids done over while he sails away to a new life with his inheritance and coins beginning with b intact.

Is that what you want?