Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

If you're looking at buying, get a mortgage offer now. They last a while I think? In case things change in the world and it alters how much they'll lend you.

Any mortgage offer won't last past any change in circumstances, so either she gets one based on where she guesses things will be in the next few months, or gets one based on the current situation which would be withdrawn if/when they split up.

So he wants you to support him around the home?
Even if he hadn't had an affair, does he even pull his weight at home...ever?

Honestly, I'd be seeking legal advice today. Wouldn't let him touch your savings. Get the divorce rolling and get what you can from him before all all goes up the spout.

He will utterly drain you, emotionally and financially!

Get decent legal advice ASAP and secure the future for yourself and the kids. He isn't even considering you at all ...he's only thinking of himself and that's been the pattern from the start. He cheated on you and is also in trouble at work for it. He did this. He brought it on himself but he's looking at you to bail him out, his wife who he betrayed!

You are worth SO much more than this.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I believe you're genuine, as I'm sure many others do. It just hurts my heart to hear you going through this.

Are you in any local support groups?
I've got some groups online I've been in for years, to the point many of the women help each other out in life too.

If you have anything like that, I'm confident people would help. If I knew you were local, I'd be supporting with a cuppa! Please look for some local support groups, even for other women friends. You will need all the support you can get.

Just please please seek legal advice today. I wouldn't worry about the cost when he's sitting on a bloody inheritance saying it's not 'moral' to use it but is happy to set his grubby sights on your savings instead!

I think that would have been the final straw for me before I yeeted him head first out of a window!

It’s totally ridiculous.
That would give him free rein to continue the affair while OP is slogging away at work.
He must think you’re stupid OP.

So you use your hard earned savings, & he sits on his inheritance ?
You end up
1 Working full time
2 with no savings
3 He wont get a job, because no-one wants a profile like that
4 He ends up being (in theory) responsible parent. While drinking & leering at young women on his phone.

Your marriage us broken, It is over, do not throw the baby out with the bath water

He is utterly shameless. He thinks you are a complete fool

Referring to your last two posts-
talking calmly is not the same as talking rationally. Don’t let him manipulate you.
Morals? He has none, and I bet his grandad would be horrified at the way he’s behaving.

I have booked a legal appointment for late next week which was the earliest availability, by which time his work meeting will have taken place on the Tuesday.

I have woken up very determined today, I called up first thing and have also gone through my accounts and changed passwords so my money is safe.

I cannot believe he's telling you it would be immoral of him to use his own money to support himself! What the actual fuck, OP.

So it's not immoral to use your wife's money to support yourself after you've cheated on her, tried to make a fool of her, abused your position at work, and are about to lose your job because you've been sleeping with/sleazing after your colleagues. That's fine. But it would be immoral to use your own money.

I'm amazed you didn't kick him out there and then.

Honestly, I know you're waiting for the job stuff to be sorted but I think you have to acknowledge he's likely going to lose his job and income and you need to move pretty fast to make sure he's not suddenly your dependent.

When is his disciplinary op? It must be very soon if they sent him the evidence pack as that would have had the formal invite indicating its a potential GM matter.

Excellent work, OP, and it's not even 10am! So glad to hear you're taking control.

Well done, OP! This must be a devastating time for you and you've come in for a lot of stick from hectoring Mumsnetters, but most of us are supportive and willing things to go well for you.

Sorry x post. Tuesday?! Blimey.

Bear in mind they may not confirm the outcome on the day with it being GM.

Well done OP! This is a really positive, productive step. I can totally understand why you've been hesitant and sharing mostly what he is saying, you needed us to be a sounding board. You've had some great advice on here, and you are going to come out of this fine. He is a dead weight and you and your DC will be better off without him emotionally and financially draining you. Keep going!

It’s on Tuesday. I know I shouldn’t have given him the time of day but he was telling me last night how he intends to act. He said he will be on the front foot and be blunt that they have no evidence. He said he’ll be like the interviewer on the apprentice. I told him he isn’t going to be the one interviewing though and if he comes across aggressive then it won’t help his cause. I also suggested he listens to the union and what they advise. I then told him to remember he is a father, as he’s clearly forgotten he’s a husband. He was silent after that.

Well done, Welshie2, anger is good if you can channel it into positive action.

I am not surprised you have been feeling the shock though - it's so recent all of it. Glad you have been able to take some steps forward.

I then told him to remember he is a father, as he’s clearly forgotten he’s a husband. He was silent after that.

Perfect.

He’s so deluded! He fancies himself as a 1970s TV barrister!
They have a lot more evidence than in my sister’s case. (I posted on here).
She was up for a disciplinary based on an anonymous text sent from someone outside work. In the end she received a warning.

It is rather amusing when someone comes into a disciplinary thinking they are on the front foot 🤣 so at least he'll give the chair a good laugh.

He still has time to pull the Ace mitigation card though. I wonder if he will, cant see it though given hes telling you his tactics and hasn't mentioned that one. Clearly not as cunning as he thinks he is.

I then told him to remember he is a father, as he’s clearly forgotten he’s a husband. He was silent after that.

Yes!!! Well done OP! This idiot is treating you like a friend and co-conspirator, completely forgetting that you are a victim of his behaviour!

I’m glad you are moving forward and changed the account passwords

I'm unsure why the inheritance can’t be used to pay the mortgage if he thinks it morally needs to go on housing

I imagine beneath the bravado he is bricking it tbh.

We can see that some of you have concerns about this thread, and we’re having a look at those.

As you know, Mumsnet is an anonymous site. This means that people can post about difficult and very personal things in a way they might not feel able to elsewhere, but it also means we can't vouch for every poster or every detail of every thread. In general, we start by giving posters the benefit of the doubt unless we have good reason not to.

Please don’t troll hunt on the thread. We do understand that suspicions are sometimes raised in good faith, and we understand why people have the urge to warn other posters, but posting accusations usually derails things very quickly and can make the thread pretty unpleasant for everyone involved.

An interviewer on The Apprentice? So he going to turn up like Claude and batter them into submission?
Sadly he’s going to look like one of the contestants, clueless and with wrong information.
You cannot stay with this man. He’s an idiot,

So glad you’ve made such a positive start today Welshie2 .

he was telling me last night how he intends to act. He said he will be on the front foot and be blunt that they have no evidence. He said he’ll be like the interviewer on the apprentice.

And this is why I have botox.

Well done for waking up in a positive, pro-active mood, and getting on with things. Great that you've made a solicitor's appointment, although it's a shame you can't get anything any sooner, and the fact that you've taken steps to protect YOUR money is also a very positive step forward.

Can I just ask though, have you asked him to move out and give you some thinking room? If so, what was his response? If you haven't asked, then I would do so, maybe suggest that he goes to stay with the friend he zipped off to rescue, so that you can both have time to think. He can plan his defence, and you can take the time to think things through properly (and go through all his paperwork, making sure to copy or take photographs of anything to do with his savings, income, etc.) I would also recommend that you take out any paperwork relating to your own income and savings, so he can't get his hands on it. Stash all of your own paperwork, together with passport, marriage certificate, your child's birth certificate, etc., in a locker at work if you have one, or ask your friend if she would take care of it until everything is sorted.

Be proud of yourself for taking the first steps toward taking control today, those of us who have been through divorce know it's not easy. I feel sure that once you've seen a solicitor, you will feel much stronger because you will then have a clear idea of how to deal with everything. Meanwhile, don't let the posters on here who don't believe you, get you down, the vast majority just want to help, and support you.