Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

Neither of us can leave the house for any prolonged period of time, we’d be living here until any sale went through which is why there has been conversations about finances, that and because it has helped me understand any accounts he may be hiding. My parents are quite a distance away and their house isn’t set up for me to be there with DC for any longer than a night or two, it’s just not practical. My close friends would put me up on the sofa for a night if ever needed but they have their own families so I can’t stay there for any longer. The house has a sizeable mortgage left, I’d struggle to afford it on my own, he could afford it on his current salary.

Pp is right - you need to get the divorce application in asap. Get the house valued and on the market. Figure out what you can do with half the equity.

this is rock bottom for you so there’s only one way for you to go - and you will have a much brighter future without him

he still hasn’t hit rock bottom - and you can’t tie yourself down with him

you need to figure out what you can afford on your own.

you must have a rough idea of the value of the house, minus the outstanding mortgage and you will get at least 50% of the equity.

what can you afford re a mortgage and 50% of the equity ?

as he can afford the mortgage on his own, he may choose to buy you out by using his inheritance - tho a decent solicitor will get you 50% of that inheritance.

I have earlier as it is ridiculous but mumsnet obviously didnt agree as the thread is still here and instead they have deleted comments that are saying its a wind up.
I dont know what the process is for checking but they must think it is real

I could afford a flat, possibly a 2 bed dependant on the area, I had a brief look online yesterday and there are options.

Op you seem to be speaking in hypotheticals still and unless we just don’t know the details, your reaction seems…lenient. It’s unsurprising he not taking you seriously re divorce as you certainly don’t come across as determined and angry.

Are you undecided about whether you will divorce him?

I will divorce him. I guess I’m trying to stay calm for DC’s sake, shouting the odds won’t do any good right now. My friend told me to stay measured and the anger can come later on once things are in motion.

If he is going to try and prevent you accessing the inheritance when you divorce tell him to leave and use the inheritance to fund his accommodation.

There are loads of ramifications that can be played out in the financials in the divorce. You need to get proper legal advice but asset splits start at 50/50 and usually move in favour of the lower earning spouse. Therefore it’s important you retain the status quo as much as possible now and do not start supporting him to be the stay at home parent under any circumstances.
Solicitors are expensive and you may need to pay a down payment to retain one, but the final bill is often taken off the divorce settlement.
If he keeps his job you might end up better off than you think you will be-and if not he will need to find a job, any job, because he will need to support your child in any case. Please do not bank roll him in any way.
He will be able to use his inheritance ‘morally ‘ to support his child and his ex wife to move on won’t he? Which should please him.

I feel like you are coming out of what was probably extreme shock now OP. Which is good and bad. Bad because you will start to feel things now and it will hurt, good because when you find your anger you can use it to help you make decisions with yourself and your child front and centre and to start to mobilise yourself. You can do this.

That’s good advice but don’t forget that angry doesn’t have to mean shouting and screaming. You can be blisteringly angry and almost silent.

So you need to get things in motion now, whilst he is still employed.

and if you only think you can afford possibly a 2 bed flat depending on location that you need to make sure you get as much of the equity as possible as you have a child to provide for so you need a 2 bed property.

if he decides to keep your current home because he can afford to, then he will be providing a bedroom for your child when he has overnights or whatever.

Its time now to look out for yourself, and of course your child.

Get some solicitors appointments booked !

He should be the one to leave the home. He has already checked out of the marriage, he can go and stay with his mate from last weekend who is helping him with his appeal campaign.

Fair enough, you really are much stronger than I would be if you can manage that. I wouldn’t say anything in front of the kids of course but when they weren’t there I’m sure I’d be giving him both barrels and telling him to get the fuck out. He doesn’t seem the type from what you say that a) will be speedy/reasonable/cooperative when it comes to divorce and selling the house and b) deserves the luxury of BAU in the meantime.

Sounds like he is trying to drag you in to the potential financial mess he has got himself in to with (possibly) loosing his job. The reason he is suspended is entirely his fault & was preventable, He wasnt wronged by his company, he did wrong! At work and to you, his wife and his child. You dont need to go & change
your hours at your cost because he has f××ked up.

This wont go away anytims soon, he needs to push to get a hearing with work ASAP as he has dependents & he will need to use his inheritance to cover finances before you dip in to your savings/work more.

I feel hes dragging you in to this as if you're in it together - he isnt the victim here you are. He is the villian.

I agree. I know it’s a shock etc but I feel op isn’t listening. He’s totally taking her for a ride and will leave her financially and mentally broken. It’s telling she doesn’t want to tell family as it’s embarrassing. Because she’s hoping that it will all be ok and they will never have to admit to this blip.

my husband also had an affair at work and I waited for about two weeks until I realised and went to solicitor. I’m now very happily married again . It took me 8 years to trust again and now been married 23 years .
the grass is definitely greener.

I think the OP is absolutely listening but she doesn’t yet have all the information.

She may also be the type of person who needs to be calm so she can reflect.

Right now she’s had a massive shock.

• he was being furtive
• she found inappropriate messages
• He’s been aware of trouble at work for weeks
• he’s been suspended
• it is more than 50% probable that he’s cheated on her
• he will likely lose his job
• he’s being blasé
• he believes he’s invincible
• he believes he won’t be sacked
• he thinks if he’s sacked (which he says he won’t be) he can sue them and take them to tribunal
• he believes his TU rep only represents guilty people so doesn’t want to have that representation
• the colleague is both a bimbo and allegedly could have slept with any or all of the men under 30 in the workplace
• she deserves an exceeds recommendation which coincides with her refusing him some kind of sexual favour or sex act unless he recommends her for an exceeds
• He can ensure she fails her probation
• she admits going to a private room with him
• such times coincide with inactivity on his computer
• he flirts with her over office communications
• he flirts with her over personal communications
• He has made suggestive comments that imply he both knows what she has done in her lunch hour and that it has made her tired out, suggesting a mutual physical activity that isn’t badminton
• he has suggested he take on the ‘woman’ role in their marriage yet spends time on his phone while their child is given a screen
• he made promises to his grandfather to spend his inheritance in something significant but betrays his marriage promises to his wife.

I have listed 21 bullet points of behaviour that would each justify any partner’s serious concerns. No doubt I have also missed a lot of things.

The OP has explained that she will be divorcing him but she is anxious about her financial and housing stability and she has a child.

She is allowed to take her time and see how this plays out before she makes any move to leave or kick him out.

This has taken a lot out of her over the last two or three weeks and she is reeling.

So, much as we are all emotionally invested in learning the outcome, and much as we all have great advice and want to support OP, she has every right to work through this in a time and manner that suits her.

I don’t think it helps to insist she leave him this second when she has already indicated their marriage is over.

Let us give her the time to consider all her options, particularly because those options will differ depending on whether he loses his job or not.

Let us give her the space to think out loud on this forum, seek advice and speculate about her options without insisting she take a particular course of action when that will result in significant consequences to her life.

The top five life stressors are

• Death of a loved one
• Divorce ✔️
• Moving ✔️
• Major illness or injury
• Job loss ✔️

Insisting that the OP leave immediately when this situation covers three of the five biggest life stressors is irresponsible, particularly if it is for our entertainment.

This woman’s life has blown up. This wasn’t what she envisaged for 2026.

She needs our support and care.

When you're married to someone like this it's common to lose all self respect, assuming your upbringing hadn't already done that before you'd even met him.

Men like this grind their partners down, give them no time to think, constantly manipulate them. It's deliberate, they derail a person's ability to think straight.

If you can't think straight, you can't see what's happening right in front of your eyes. You can't see the manipulation because you're too busy dealing with the effects of it.

While you're busy being confused, feeling hurt, trying to work out what's happened/happening/about to... you're not thinking about how shite the relationship actually is and making plans to leave. There's no space in your head for those thoughts or processing them and there's no space in your life for taking those actions, because you're exhausted from all the mind games.

OP it's not about people wanting to see him get his comeuppance it's about people wanting to see you protect your assets before he shafts you, because while you're standing there shocked and stunned, everyone can see it coming. You're not being kicked because you're down and people enjoy it. You're being kicked out of the way of the oncoming truck that's about to mow you down while you stand there staring into it's headlights.

Gently Welshie, if this were true he would have reduced the mortgage on your current home. This would have reduced the financial burden on you all as a family unit.

isn't this what you would have done …

What year did he inherit the money. Why didn’t it go into the family finances. You know why. Please Welshie wake up. Absolutely everything he is telling you is a lie, there is no truth in anything he tells you. Can you really not see this?

Your friend's a smart cookie. Focus on the practicals. You can deal with the 'emotionals' later. And she's right that shouting and being angry now isn't the best for the DC. Cool and calm is the way to go.

If you need to cry remember "Weeping endureth for the night, but joy cometh in the morning". So don't worry about shedding some tears in the night. Your children will be your 'joy in the morning'.

As far as him saying that 'morally' he can't use his inheritance, well, 'morally' didn't seem to come into it when he cheated, did it? So fuck his idea of 'morally'. If he doesn't want to use the inheritance then I guess he won't be able to pursue his 'case' very far, will he?

Troll hunting is against forum rules, that's why comments have been deleted. The moderators can see the length of time a user has been registered and the type of posts they've made, to make a judgement about whether someone is likely a troll or not.

OP, "we both need to use our savings, but I'm not using my inheritance" could be simple manipulation tactics or it could be a slip of the tongue that indicates he has other savings.

If you're looking at buying, get a mortgage offer now. They last a while I think? In case things change in the world and it alters how much they'll lend you.

Don't pay the mortgage on the current house with your savings. Equally, you can force him to pay it with his either. All you can do is play "chicken" and hope he caves. If he doesn't and if there's any chance you're going to miss a mortgage payment, get onto your bank and ask for a payment holiday for as long as they'll give you. That gives you some time to sell it.

I don’t think you’ve shared a single thing he’s said where I haven’t thought WHAT A SELFISH ENTITLED FUCKER HE IS.
His inheritance is for special things? Try ‘Supporting your family after you’ve spectacularly fucked up the most honourable thing a man can do, it is what your grandpa would want, and he’d be ashamed of you for saying it’s not.’ I hope you’re 1000% not going to touch your savings for him, say calmly your grandpa would want you to support your family not drain your wife’s savings, so pull the other one.
and as for him saying I’d do anything to support you ‘I think you cheated on me, you have definitely behaved very inappropriately and betrayed our marriage, the evidence that I’ve seen proves that without a doubt. You’ll never have to support me for those reasons and I doubt you would, you’d feel too betrayed. You still haven’t taken any accountability here.
you do really need to see a lawyer, he’s going to be hard to shift from the house. And if he’s staying at home and thinks he’s house dad you need to leave :(