AIBU to ask my parents to have my child while I give birth?

[ThisLimeBee]

I am pregnant with my second child, have a 21 month toddler at home. My parents live 15 minutes away & I asked my mum if they would have my toddler when I’m giving birth.
Last week she called me and said that I should push for a c section so I can plan childcare and as I’m no good at giving birth (I had a difficult labour with a major haemorrhage however no current plans with the consultant to have a c section). I explained even with a c section I don’t think it’s as easy as having a set date as emergencies can come in closer to the time etc & I could go into labour naturally beforehand anyway.
She said regardless I should prepare to be giving birth on my own (as that’s what she had to do, although this was because her parents were in another country) and that she will have my toddler on the weekend if I give birth then, however unwilling during the week / in the night to have him. I said I wasn’t comfortable ideally being on my own & that my dh also wanted to be there for the birth. To which she said that’s tough and whatever ends up happening I’ll have to deal with & I need to relax. We also don’t have any other family around, my dh parents are not here anymore so hence my desperation I guess to confirm childcare while I’m in labour.

My mum does work full time, however has A/L days (which I know as I offered to pay her for having him if I give birth in the week if she didn’t have A/L left) & my dad works evenings / nights so is at home for majority of the day time, I appreciate if he was woken up to have my toddler, he’d be very tired however I feel like I’m not asking them to do this so I can go on a night out or holiday but to literally birth my second child where my first is not allowed to be with me.
My parents don’t provide any childcare for my toddler, I understand they don’t want to have him on the weekends / evenings & I have never asked them to & he goes to nursery for childcare when I’m working. This might contribute to them not feeling comfortable in having him, however she’s expressed they don’t want to have him on their own in their free time.

In general I don’t ask them for anything, which I know I’m not entitled to anything from them however maybe now as a parent I personally cannot comprehend the reluctance to provide support with my toddler while I’m in labour as I know I would not be that way with my children. I’ve heard people struggle for labour childcare when their parents/ family are ill or live far away etc but not when we live in the same town.

A difference of opinion I guess between us but just hurts when it’s on the receiving end from your own mum.

Had similar. Was pg with twins due when DC1 was less than 2 years old.

DC1 went to a friend's when I went into labour.

Have you got anyone else you could ask to look after your DC?

(And of course you were not unreasonable to ask, and you are not unreasonable to be hurt by your parents' response: but focus on now, and moving forwards, and being the parent you would like your kids to have.)

Vile. I wouldn’t have any relationship with them going forwards.
Ask a friend to have your child. I’m sorry your mum is so awful

Your parents don’t sound at all supportive so I’d make alternative arrangements. It sucks that they can’t support you and your family at one of the most important times in your life.

That's so frustrating tbh and I really feel for you and understand why you feel hurt. However you can't force her and it wouldn't be nice to rely on someone so reluctant. Have you got any sympathetic friends who could help out. I know I would in that situation even though I also work full time.

I’m sure some posters will tell you you have no right to expect anything from your parents, but personally I think your mother sounds appalling. Cold, insensitive, unkind, weirdly detached. I doubt this is the first time she’s hurt you.

I do think you should try to build up your support network and find other friends to lean on, but not because I think it’s entitled of you to expect support from your parents. It’s because I think you’ll be happier long-term if you stop giving them the opportunity to make you feel like nothing. I would move heaven and earth for my adult children in your situation, and I’m sorry you don’t have decent parents who are capable of healthy relationships.

I think you're asking for the bare minimum to be honest! I think the vast majority of grandparents would help out in this situation even if they couldn't or didn't want to commit to providing regular childcare.

What a disgrace. I don't think I'd want to see my parents of the treated me like that.
They are awful to say no.

What a horrible way to treat your own daughter when she's going to be giving birth to your Grandchild. I'd have a random neighbours child in this situation let alone my own Grandchild! I'm so sorry they're being so heartless.

I’m shocked at how unsupportive they are. I’d be actively volunteering if it were my child/grandchild.

Your mum’s a shit. You can’t make her have your child, but it would colour the relationship for me going forwards.

She should be bending over backwards to help you reduce your worry, and if that includes having your DP there, then she should be making sure that happens in my book.

I can’t believe how shit your parents are being.

This.

yes, I get all the old mumsnet adage of grandparents should be expected to provide childcare blah blah…

But I can’t imagine being so bloody selfish not to help out my own child when she is giving birth.

She’d better not come to you when she needs care…

Your “mother” sounds vile. I’m sorry she’s being like this.

Wow your parents sound awful. I can't imagine doing that to my child, truly hideous

Wow, that's harsh. Hope you can find someone more helpful..best wishes

Show this to three nearby friends or neighbours and they’ll be jumping out of their chairs to offer help.

poor you. Sending support.

The fact people actually have parents like this honestly astonishes me. I’m so sorry OP. Do you have a friend you could ask to have your toddler?

Fuck me they are awful, I'm so sorry

Well you can ask, and they’ve said the weekend is possible.

obviously I don’t know your parents but if your mum works days and your dad works nights then at any point your toddler is in the house they’ll be stopping someone sleeping.

personally I would do my best to help.

do you have friends that you could ask for if it’s in the week?

Ouch! I would be so hurt with this!
sorry to say op, but on the plus side, you know where you stand. Even though it hurts. A neighbour, or a friend is your option. Or your DH has to stay home.

you never know, you might end up lucky and baby will come on a nursery day?

Yep this is horrendous! My mum and I don’t have the best relationship but she came and stayed at my house for two weeks before my due date just in case I went into labour early. I would consider whether having your parents on your life is beneficial when they are clearly always going to let you down

Ask a friend.

Your parents are either shit, exhausted or both.

Yeah this is crap. You’re not asking too much at all. I would feel very hurt.

The comment about you not being good at giving birthd is absolutely disgusting. On that alone I would find it hard to move forward with the relationship.

You should not be forced into a c-section, unless it is what you decide for yourself. Second births can we completely different to firsts! But you’re right, a c-section date isn’t always 100 fool proof anyway.

Like PP have said, I would now focus on organising reliable and willing childcare.

Really shitty behaviour.

Do you have friends you could ask?

Oh OP, that’s awful. You’re not at all unreasonable to expect support when you’re having your second child! Sorry your parents aren’t being more supportive/helpful but hopefully you have a friend who would be willing to help out? Wishing you all the very best!