AIBU to ask my parents to have my child while I give birth?

[ThisLimeBee]

I am pregnant with my second child, have a 21 month toddler at home. My parents live 15 minutes away & I asked my mum if they would have my toddler when I’m giving birth.
Last week she called me and said that I should push for a c section so I can plan childcare and as I’m no good at giving birth (I had a difficult labour with a major haemorrhage however no current plans with the consultant to have a c section). I explained even with a c section I don’t think it’s as easy as having a set date as emergencies can come in closer to the time etc & I could go into labour naturally beforehand anyway.
She said regardless I should prepare to be giving birth on my own (as that’s what she had to do, although this was because her parents were in another country) and that she will have my toddler on the weekend if I give birth then, however unwilling during the week / in the night to have him. I said I wasn’t comfortable ideally being on my own & that my dh also wanted to be there for the birth. To which she said that’s tough and whatever ends up happening I’ll have to deal with & I need to relax. We also don’t have any other family around, my dh parents are not here anymore so hence my desperation I guess to confirm childcare while I’m in labour.

My mum does work full time, however has A/L days (which I know as I offered to pay her for having him if I give birth in the week if she didn’t have A/L left) & my dad works evenings / nights so is at home for majority of the day time, I appreciate if he was woken up to have my toddler, he’d be very tired however I feel like I’m not asking them to do this so I can go on a night out or holiday but to literally birth my second child where my first is not allowed to be with me.
My parents don’t provide any childcare for my toddler, I understand they don’t want to have him on the weekends / evenings & I have never asked them to & he goes to nursery for childcare when I’m working. This might contribute to them not feeling comfortable in having him, however she’s expressed they don’t want to have him on their own in their free time.

In general I don’t ask them for anything, which I know I’m not entitled to anything from them however maybe now as a parent I personally cannot comprehend the reluctance to provide support with my toddler while I’m in labour as I know I would not be that way with my children. I’ve heard people struggle for labour childcare when their parents/ family are ill or live far away etc but not when we live in the same town.

A difference of opinion I guess between us but just hurts when it’s on the receiving end from your own mum.

im not surprised it hurts. my dd is pregnant now and im having to learn how to look after her toddler so that I can take over whilst she gives birth - her dp will come back and do stuff but im trying to help as best I can under difficult circumstances. When my other dd gave birth to her 2nd I went to stay 2 days before she was due, as she lived 150 miles away - came home after baby was born.

I paid a close family friend to come to my house while I laboured in my room undisturbed for as long as I could! That way she was not left with the children for a longer than necessary time and I was still around I then went to the hospital and gave birth within the hour and the children’s dad stayed for the birth but went home to the children overnight and while I recovered. This was the most stress free way I’ve ever done it so maybe something like that could work for you?

That does seem very unkind of her.

I wonder though if having Dads at the birth is a bit over rated! My exh (so possibly connected to him now being an ex) was a bit of a twat esp at the second birth.

I wonder sometimes if Dad is best utilised at home keeping things normal for the older sibling to be.

Then decide if you’d prefer a family member, friend or paid doula at the birth. If I had my time again I’d do that!

Your Mum is being horrible though.

I agree with most of the posters who say that you mum is being awful. She sounds mean and selfish. It would irrevocably damage the relationship for me and I would give her a very wide berth from now on.

Agreed...sorry op you mum sounds awful and I'd be breaking all ties . What a cold way to treat a daughter

What a cold and cruel excuse of a mother. Shame on her.
I really hope you don’t encourage a relationship with such cold and nasty people.

My DM lives in another continent and flew 14000miles to be here when I had my DC. Her first time in this county and she figured out how to do the school run for my older child. I had a very difficult birth and recovery and we couldn’t have done it without her.

Im so sorry that you need this added stress over this.

Do you have e siblings who will be stepping up to look after your parents in the old age?

I was also going to say bank this and remember it when they get old ,and as inevitably happens want to start relying on you for things. Shockingly selfish.

She sounds horrid

I gave birth to my 2nd child. at 3am and my mum brought my 2 year old dd to the hospital at 10am to give her back to me ☹️ so I sympathise. I was home by 1pm on my own with 2 children and no help. I’m not bitter at all 😂

please tell some friends about this I’m sure someone will offer to help

This.

How upsetting. You're never as vulnerable as before childbirth. It's not asking much at all. You would think she would want to be there for you and her DGC.

I wouldn't be able to get over this.

Surely if you've been through it you'd want to do all you can to help and support.

I hope you have good friends OP. You don't deserve this.

Your Mum sounds awful. Cold, harsh, insensitive and unkind. I would move heaven and earth if my son asked me to look after his child, whilst his wife gave birth (hypothetically as my son is only 15!).

Is there a friend/neighbour you could ask? If not, you may need to look at a baby sitting service, assuming they would cover overnight/short notice etc.

I see your parents both still work full time. What are their employers like?
My mums work was very flexible, she was able to just let them know when I went into labour and annual leave was given, no issue. But not all employers are like that.
Being in the middle of night shifts and then having to be up all day with a toddler would be dangerous in my job, what does your dad do?

As the parents in this situation, we'd probably each book an annual leave week around the due date and then hope that baby decided to make an appearance during those two weeks.
Your mums attitude towards you is horrible.

What a vile woman. I hope you don’t help her when she needs it (either now or in the future.)

It wouldn't have occurred to me to ask my mum to look after my kids while I gave birth if she worked. Taking time off at no notice is generally not well received by most employers even though, I believe, there is a statutory right in this situation.

It might be worth asking at tge nursery if anyone is prepared to do some short notice babysitting. I think you need to look for an alternative. Your mum is being horrible. Your not out gallivanting you having a baby. Your not owed childcare and generally I would say it isnt her responsibility but in case of an emergency it would be nice for her to step up. If she doesnt help out or makes things stressful/ difficult I'd bank that and when she needs support I'd tell her to find someone else to offer it.

I also think your parents are being horribly unkind. Im so sorry. Our parents dont provide any day to day childcare, but will always help in this situation. They relish it.

For your sanity and mental well being, find someone else to take your older child then. And start building up your network because you will need it xxx

In fairness, your mum is at work full time. Most jobs won't let you take a day off last minute, so I can understand her concern - my mum would have lost her job if she took a last minute absence.

However, her lack of engagement is just depressing. I can't imagine my mum being so uninterested, and I can't imagine being so callous with my own adult kids.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all and I think your parents sound very unsupportive and difficult!

however, it sounds as though they have always been this way? Did you not think about the fact that they’ve always been quite unhelpful when planning baby number 2?

obviously they’re the unreasonable ones in this scenario but unfortunately you’re going to have to view as if you don’t have parents who can help (as they clearly won’t) and find some alternative arrangement.

lots of families have no grandparents etc so their partner has to stay with the older child whilst they give birth, not ideal but it might be what you have to do. Unless you have close friends who may be able to help?

I'd echo most of the other PP's comments about trying to find an alternative carer for your child. What about your PiL? Are they nearby? Or a sibling?

I'm really sorry for you OP, your parents are extremely unsupportive and really pretty awful.
Please do ask your friends, I would happily have any of my friend's children while they gave birth, day or night, even if I wasn't that close to them. If that's not an option ask the workers at your toddlers nursery, they could come when needed and take him to nursery with them if they are on shift etc and he'd already know them. Failing that look for a local nanny who has flexibility and let your son get used to her in advance.

Next time your parents ask for any sort of help, please do relish in saying no.

I think this is really sad. I don’t have any grandchildren but if I did I would drop everything to help out my children with a few days of childcare. I really hope they realise that they may be looking to you for help in the future, when they are older. You reap what you sow. I hope everything works out for you.

I would be really disappointed in my mum if she did that, but at least she has shown her true colours and told you in advance, rather than letting you down on the day.
unfortunately, if you don’t have anyone else, then your DH will have to stay with your toddler and you will have to give birth alone. I promise it isnt as bad as it sounds; and once your midwife on duty for the labour knows they will be extra supportive for you.
I know your mum works, but I still think her attitude is selfish and uncaring. I would be distancing myself from her.

What unkind parents you have. When you need them most they won’t help. It’s appalling. And hurtful.
i hope you can find a friend or two that will support you.
🌺

Awful. So unsupportive. Let's hope they don't need help in their old age.
Echo what other posters have suggested - a friend or someone from nursery.

Good luck with the birth