AIBU to ask my parents to have my child while I give birth?

[ThisLimeBee]

I am pregnant with my second child, have a 21 month toddler at home. My parents live 15 minutes away & I asked my mum if they would have my toddler when I’m giving birth.
Last week she called me and said that I should push for a c section so I can plan childcare and as I’m no good at giving birth (I had a difficult labour with a major haemorrhage however no current plans with the consultant to have a c section). I explained even with a c section I don’t think it’s as easy as having a set date as emergencies can come in closer to the time etc & I could go into labour naturally beforehand anyway.
She said regardless I should prepare to be giving birth on my own (as that’s what she had to do, although this was because her parents were in another country) and that she will have my toddler on the weekend if I give birth then, however unwilling during the week / in the night to have him. I said I wasn’t comfortable ideally being on my own & that my dh also wanted to be there for the birth. To which she said that’s tough and whatever ends up happening I’ll have to deal with & I need to relax. We also don’t have any other family around, my dh parents are not here anymore so hence my desperation I guess to confirm childcare while I’m in labour.

My mum does work full time, however has A/L days (which I know as I offered to pay her for having him if I give birth in the week if she didn’t have A/L left) & my dad works evenings / nights so is at home for majority of the day time, I appreciate if he was woken up to have my toddler, he’d be very tired however I feel like I’m not asking them to do this so I can go on a night out or holiday but to literally birth my second child where my first is not allowed to be with me.
My parents don’t provide any childcare for my toddler, I understand they don’t want to have him on the weekends / evenings & I have never asked them to & he goes to nursery for childcare when I’m working. This might contribute to them not feeling comfortable in having him, however she’s expressed they don’t want to have him on their own in their free time.

In general I don’t ask them for anything, which I know I’m not entitled to anything from them however maybe now as a parent I personally cannot comprehend the reluctance to provide support with my toddler while I’m in labour as I know I would not be that way with my children. I’ve heard people struggle for labour childcare when their parents/ family are ill or live far away etc but not when we live in the same town.

A difference of opinion I guess between us but just hurts when it’s on the receiving end from your own mum.

How unsupportive of her, does she exepect you to look after her in her old age?!

Dearly wish my Mum had been around when I was pregnant etc but she died 10 years before, and even though I had the support of my husband and his family there's nothing quite like your own Mum is there?

Best of luck with everything whatever happens 😘

It's a strange response and one that must really hurt I'm sure, but in a bid to see the other side, if your parents are still working and your dad works nights I can see why they might feel reluctant to commit to helping you... it's difficult to book annual leave when you don't know what the dates would be and if you might have an extended time in hospital if there's a repeat of the problems you had the first time. To them It probably felt like a reasonable thing to say. I'm sorry you're left in this situation but I would be asking around friends (or siblings?) to see if anyone else can help. Good luck!

I’m sorry. That sounds so hurtful. I hardly ever see my mum has she has prioritised her second husband; I see her every 1-2 years. When I told her this upset me, she said ‘well at least you have your mother-in-law.’ It’s horrible. Best of luck with your baby and birth.

I think generally an ok relationship however my mum does say that my grandma wasn’t much of a mum to her as in from a young age my mum had to get herself to school, sort her own meals etc. She did have them do full time childcare while she worked, they were retired however but still I assume they would have liked to have some spare time here and there. Her parents were always present grandparents & my mum didn’t get on with my dads side of the family so we naturally didn’t see them as much however they also seemed as hands on as they can be looking back to when I was little.
I definitely would prefer if she gave me a reason, even maybe explicitly said she just simply doesn’t want to be around my toddler on her own/without me - it would hurt but I guess at least I’d know!
No the same as always, in fact I thought our relationship got better since he was born but maybe she didn’t feel the same way

Hope your labour goes smoothly and you find someone lovely to help look after your son.
Your mum's reaction seems totally alien to me but obviously everyone is different.
Think of it as a positive that your parents were so direct about it. I wouldn't want to leave my child with people who didn't want them.
It seem like a terrible shame that they don't want to be part of what sounds like a lovely family. I really hope you find some kinder people who do.

So her own parents provided full-time childcare for her, did I read that right? And she won’t help you out once to give birth? There’s probably no point in pressing it further, your mum is a self-centred, selfish woman. If she stays true to type she will absolutely think you should help her when she needs it, and won’t see the hypocrisy at all.

That is really cold of your parents and I find their attitude quite shocking and saddening. You deserve better and are not unreasonable to expect more. My family is by no means perfect, but doing this has always gone without saying. My second grandchild is on the way and I’ll take leave when needed to have my GD. Do you have a friend who could help with childcare? I’m pretty sure they would be happy to in the circumstances - as I know I would for any of my group. If not, is it worth looking into having a doula support you during the birth?

That is strange that she had so much help with childcare but doesn't want to now help out. However maybe her own mother said how much she resented it and she didn't enjoy having to do it.

I think you and your husband need to plan now for different eventualities.
While you have friends and colleagues offering to help, do be aware some might just be saying happy to help as it seems the polite/right thing to say (same as when people say let me know if I can do anything....they generally don't want to be asked but it's the norm to say it).

You have said your mum will help if you go into labour on the weekend so that's sorted.

You need to think what happens if it happens at night. Might you need to go to hospital alone, as will any friend really be willing to go to yours in the middle of the night and leave their own child if they have one? There is also the impact on their own childcare e.g. I am sure my husband would be pretty annoyed if I said I was on call to help Sally and he would then need to sort out our own kids, needing to take time off work to do the school runs. So there is a knock on effect depending on who helps.

There is also the length of time. Some of these happy to helps, might be fine if you called in the morning and came for a few hours, but what happens if you are still in labour and they want to leave? You are potentially expecting them to have your toddler multiple days. Would a rota between friends work so you know that one would have in the morning and someone else take over night?

I would also want to prepare the toddler. It could be quite scary to wake in the night and find a stranger in the house. So will you be spending time with the potential helpers so they know them and recognise them.

You also mention nursery staff helping out, again this will surely all depend on timing. If they are up in the night with your child, will they then have your child booked into nursery that day to take with them?

I think you and your husband now need to piece together plans for different scenarios.

If she had so much help with childcare is it possible she struggled with being a mum and doesn’t really cope with children

Oh OP I do feel for you. I'm in a very similar situation, young child and DH's family are in a different country. My parents refuse to do any childcare. DD is in nursery full time so I don't ask for anything really, but on the few odd occasions where its been an emergency its been a flat - no we don't want to. I keep them at arms length because if they don't want to support me then I don't want to support them.

My mum lived TWO DOORS DOWN from me when I was having DC 3. She had 2yo DS for an hour then brought him back as he wanted mummy and was crying. I was having a home birth and in active labour! Had to call my friend to come and put him to bed in the house!
mind blowing

A Mother's reaction to her daughter having children can vary hugely, and can change.
My mother hates children and always drummed it into me not to have any, and that if I did I would be on my own because she wouldn't want to be involved at all.
By the time I was 40, however, her life had changed -she had retired and she literally begged me to have a child because she wanted to be involved.
Naturally I didn't have a child- she could easily have changed her mind again and I had no real wish to be a parent.
I would ask your mother directly what her problem is, most grandparents are happy to help out- so she needs to explain herself.

It isn't a big ask. It is quite a normal request. On the plus side, they've highlighted how they view the relationship. Which means you're off the hook if they need support in their old age.

You mentioned a husband why doesn't he help sort it u wanted the children

So sorry op that is a pretty mean response tbh. The childcare issue is completely separate imo if she is working and doesn't want to offer childcare fine but minding her grandchild while you are in hospital having another baby is surely a given? Yes birth is unpredictable but I am sure her employer would understand if she gives them the heads up on what is happening. I have 3 kids and my mum was on hand to mind the others when I was in labour. She had an overnight bag ready, phone by her bed and there was a bed made up at ours in case we needed her in the middle of the night. My mum doesn't drive so my dad was also needed to drop her over so made sure he didn't have anything to drink in the two weeks before I was due.

I would find your mums response very upsetting tbh, can't believe she would be happy for you to give birth alone or push for an unnecessary c-section instead of just minding her grandchild

She wants him at the birth with her, guess you sing off the same hymn sheet as her mum

Gross statement. Seriously read the room

Apologies if this has already been mentioned and discounted, I haven’t read the full thread.

Would you consider a home birth?

My MIL got in the car and drove 4 hours (240 miles) within 20 minutes of my waters breaking to watch the dog incase we were in a while. You are not being unreasonable and I’m so sorry!

This isn’t true. I had an elective c section due to maternal choice for my first, due to safety concerns around standards of care in natural birth in the hospital I was booked to. The 2022 Ockenden recommendations support a woman’s right to make informed choices.

How unkind of her. I'm sure you'll remember it when she's elderly, you're running round after 2 kids, and she needs help.

That is awful. Something similar happened with a friend who's mother pulled out at the last minute and went away for a few days when my friend was due. Their relationship has never recovered.

Sorry you’ve been met with this. Your mum sounds very similar to mine and it sucks! But I do think if we had no other option, she would have helped out… begrudgingly.
My MiL came to have our eldest at 2am when I went to labour without a single complaint. I also just can’t understand how a parent wouldn’t want to help in anyway in their child’s times of need! I know what kind of grandparent I don’t want to be for sure. Definitely lean on those who have offered help, hope it all works out for you.

Giving birth is one of the most vulnerable and scary times in a woman’s life. She has the right to want supporting through it by the person she chose to do life with.
You seem like a vile human

When my friend had her youngest I looked after her daughter who was about 3 at the time, it was about a week before my wedding so I’d agreed to provide childcare as long as I wasn’t at my wedding or honeymoon!, worked out perfectly as she was a few weeks early.
But her parents couldn’t have had a child due to health, and in laws lived too far away as her labours were VERY quick!!
So she literally called me, dropped DD with me and went straight to hospital.
There must be someone else you can ask?? Most friends would have a child under these circumstances for you.

As for your mum, she sounds very unsupportive and because she didn’t have help she’s not helping you… horrible in my opinion but that’s up to her I guess….
Personally I’d ask someone else and if you give birth on a Monday tell her as she’s busy all week and in the evenings she can see baby the weekend!!

Also you know what to say next time she needs help!!