AIBU to ask my parents to have my child while I give birth?

[ThisLimeBee]

I am pregnant with my second child, have a 21 month toddler at home. My parents live 15 minutes away & I asked my mum if they would have my toddler when I’m giving birth.
Last week she called me and said that I should push for a c section so I can plan childcare and as I’m no good at giving birth (I had a difficult labour with a major haemorrhage however no current plans with the consultant to have a c section). I explained even with a c section I don’t think it’s as easy as having a set date as emergencies can come in closer to the time etc & I could go into labour naturally beforehand anyway.
She said regardless I should prepare to be giving birth on my own (as that’s what she had to do, although this was because her parents were in another country) and that she will have my toddler on the weekend if I give birth then, however unwilling during the week / in the night to have him. I said I wasn’t comfortable ideally being on my own & that my dh also wanted to be there for the birth. To which she said that’s tough and whatever ends up happening I’ll have to deal with & I need to relax. We also don’t have any other family around, my dh parents are not here anymore so hence my desperation I guess to confirm childcare while I’m in labour.

My mum does work full time, however has A/L days (which I know as I offered to pay her for having him if I give birth in the week if she didn’t have A/L left) & my dad works evenings / nights so is at home for majority of the day time, I appreciate if he was woken up to have my toddler, he’d be very tired however I feel like I’m not asking them to do this so I can go on a night out or holiday but to literally birth my second child where my first is not allowed to be with me.
My parents don’t provide any childcare for my toddler, I understand they don’t want to have him on the weekends / evenings & I have never asked them to & he goes to nursery for childcare when I’m working. This might contribute to them not feeling comfortable in having him, however she’s expressed they don’t want to have him on their own in their free time.

In general I don’t ask them for anything, which I know I’m not entitled to anything from them however maybe now as a parent I personally cannot comprehend the reluctance to provide support with my toddler while I’m in labour as I know I would not be that way with my children. I’ve heard people struggle for labour childcare when their parents/ family are ill or live far away etc but not when we live in the same town.

A difference of opinion I guess between us but just hurts when it’s on the receiving end from your own mum.

Sorry OP. That was a HUGELY unreasonable thing for your mum to say. I’m sorry that’s she’s squandering how lucky she is to have a daughter who wants her help at this really vulnerable and important time.

People who offer to help generally mean it. Take your friends / colleagues’ offers of support.

Good luck with your new baby.

Just a suggestion, have you considered asking the nursery where your kid goes. Someone there may do private work out of hours?
Just suggestion if you have no one else to ask.
So sorry your own parents won't help.

Sorry if I'm adding to a pile-on, but ...

My parents (OK, my mum) not only looked after mine when I was giving birth, they also looked after the toddler daughter of their builder when his wife was giving birth.

The builder was Irish and didn't have family nearby. The little girl would have had to spend up to a week in a children's home. This was the 1960s.

They have said they would have him on the weekend that you give birth. If you baby is born midweek he’s going to be at nursery during the day anyway so it’s only for a few hours in the evening before he goes to sleep.
so sorry you are getting stressed out over your selfish parents that can’t prioritise their own daughter’s pregnancy.
I hope it works out for you that you can have your baby quickly and safely during your child’s nursery time and your DH can pick him up in time. You have to think that way if you don’t have anyone else around.
I had my daughter by planned c section during Covid. DH had to leave as soon as baby was born and wasn’t really allowed in during my stay. I had my first born at home too but he was 6 at the time. We also don’t have family we can rely on for anything.

Just make sure you have your own plan A and keep your parents as plan B. As long as your baby is born nice and safe that’s all that matters.

You are right about emergencies happening with planned sections. I was booked from 7.30am for my appointment. There were like 8 couples all waiting in a room. We weren’t allowed to go anywhere expect sit in this one room together waiting to be called. They didn’t call me and told me at 6pm that I will not be having my section that day. I was told to come the next day at 7.30am again.

The next day was more drama but because I literally had a breakdown due to them telling me to wait in some random room for 4 hours without my DH or any human interaction until I walked out looking for someone. They literally forgot about me and didn’t book me in. After my tearful breakdown they took me in straight away to have my baby.

Don’t rely on a planned c sections.

Also got god forbid something happens to your parents and they need your help. Will you be available or want to help them?

Sorry again that you are hurt from this but be strong and know that you and your husband can do this together. I have faith in you both.

All the best and I hope you update us. I’d love to know how it works out for you when you do give birth.

Sorry OP, they sound awful. I would literally sprout wings and fly if I had to to be there to support either of my dc during the birth of a grandchild.

What a pair of selfish horrible people. That's all!

@ThisLimeBee does your toddler go to nursery? If so, you can usually ask one of the childminders there to do care outside of nursery hours.

I’m sorry that your parents won’t help. That seems really unkind and I know it must hurt.

I hope they don’t expect help when they get older…

It’s so shit OP when you can’t rely on your parents even in real emergency. I wouldn’t count on them at all and move to maintaining limited relationship like with a distant aunt/ uncle- it seems that what they are after.
In a way it’s good that your mum is so open and clear in her desire not to be involved with you however it has the other side - you won’t be involved with her . She probably hasn’t realised it yet.

Bloody hell I’d get up in the night to look after a neighbours kid that I barely know if his mum was giving birth. She sounds awful OP, how hurtful.

Thats awful. Im the first person to say gp shouldn't be childcare but this is ridiculous your giving birth not just wanting a night out. I would really struggle to get past that. Do you have any siblings, friends, neighbours who could watch your child instead.

Honestly - I think that would be it for me with them. Completely selfish. Make your own urban family

Same, I think most people would

Ask a neighbour or a friend, befriend a responsible local student who’ll be available at the drop
of a hat, ask them to do a few babysitting sessions prior to your labour. It will work out.
Best of luck. The second always comes easier than the first, quicker too.

I'm really sorry your parents are such a massive let down op. We had exactly the same situation when we had our second. My mum isn't well enough to have a toddler by herself, my brother doesn't live in the UK, so we asked my in-laws for help. My mil (who has 6 sisters, who provided her with plentiful childcare when her kids were young) informed us we'd just have to make do and that DH didn't "have" to be there. DD stayed with some friends in the end, but I've never forgotten how badly mil and fil let us down. Sounds like you've got a decent support network, it just isn't your family. So lean into those who are willing to help and create your own village.

What a fucking horrible bitch your mum is.

That's really awful OP. Childcare during childbirth worries me too as the only help we have is from nursery, no one else really watches DS. I've mentioned this concern to a couple of friends and they both instantly offered to help if needed despite having very young children themselves.

I'm pregnant and haven't got a plan yet but my own mother will likely be on holiday at the time, we don't have a relationship with MIL so really hoping my dad and his partner are willing!

I would literally watch anyone's child while they were in labour if needed!

Your parents are awful and I hope there isn’t a time in the future where they really need your help and support because I wouldn’t blame you for telling them that you’d rather not inconvenience yourself.

My DD lived 5 hours away when her children were born i took unpaid leave to make sure i was there to look after my eldest grandchild when her sibling was born. I would expect most mothers to do everything they could to be there for their child. I'm sorry your parents are not being helpful.

This is really sad, how uncaring. We were lucky we had fil staying at ours with dd2. With our twins, dhs best pal, a retained fireman offered to help with the girls. Was at my house in 3 mins at 3am (massive haemorrhage), and roped in other girl friends later in the morning to help get the girls dressed etc for school/nursery as he didn't have kids by this point, before my mum could get there. Absolutely legend.

I find that a really strange attitude from your Mum. In a similar situation last year I asked my daughter if she would like us to be there for her toddler. It was a planned date thankfully as we are several hours away. We stayed in a nearby Airbnb, were able to help over the last couple of days and then have her toddler. We took him to the hospital to meet the new baby, we kept him till his parents came home and then we cleared out. They felt we had been useful and we felt immensely privileged to have been able to share that few days.
I am sorry you are not having your Mum’s support, I know it is her who will miss out but, unless there has been a falling out, the relationship between you two is unlike any other one.

No falling out, which maybe hurts more in a way as it’s not some sort of petty retaliation off the back of an argument but just how she feels naturally I guess. I know for my children, even though I’m looking far ahead as one of mine hasn’t even been born yet, I would do anything to be there for them in any situation but especially when it came to them needing childcare for going to have a baby. I’m grateful that I’ve had colleagues and friends offer since which is very kind

Sorry but I’d be saying “your old age, your responsibility” in the future. Awful behaviour.

And the mum of the year award goes to….

When your parents are older and need care, I hope you tell them where to stuff their requests for help!

My dad came and stayed in our spare room when I went into labour and was then on hand to take DC to nursery while I gave birth. Could you up your DC’s nursery days around your due date and make up a spare room for someone?

Could you ask your parents if they’d look after your son during the day or during the night but not both? Then someone else for the opposite time? I was in labour for days.