AIBU to ask my parents to have my child while I give birth?

[ThisLimeBee]

I am pregnant with my second child, have a 21 month toddler at home. My parents live 15 minutes away & I asked my mum if they would have my toddler when I’m giving birth.
Last week she called me and said that I should push for a c section so I can plan childcare and as I’m no good at giving birth (I had a difficult labour with a major haemorrhage however no current plans with the consultant to have a c section). I explained even with a c section I don’t think it’s as easy as having a set date as emergencies can come in closer to the time etc & I could go into labour naturally beforehand anyway.
She said regardless I should prepare to be giving birth on my own (as that’s what she had to do, although this was because her parents were in another country) and that she will have my toddler on the weekend if I give birth then, however unwilling during the week / in the night to have him. I said I wasn’t comfortable ideally being on my own & that my dh also wanted to be there for the birth. To which she said that’s tough and whatever ends up happening I’ll have to deal with & I need to relax. We also don’t have any other family around, my dh parents are not here anymore so hence my desperation I guess to confirm childcare while I’m in labour.

My mum does work full time, however has A/L days (which I know as I offered to pay her for having him if I give birth in the week if she didn’t have A/L left) & my dad works evenings / nights so is at home for majority of the day time, I appreciate if he was woken up to have my toddler, he’d be very tired however I feel like I’m not asking them to do this so I can go on a night out or holiday but to literally birth my second child where my first is not allowed to be with me.
My parents don’t provide any childcare for my toddler, I understand they don’t want to have him on the weekends / evenings & I have never asked them to & he goes to nursery for childcare when I’m working. This might contribute to them not feeling comfortable in having him, however she’s expressed they don’t want to have him on their own in their free time.

In general I don’t ask them for anything, which I know I’m not entitled to anything from them however maybe now as a parent I personally cannot comprehend the reluctance to provide support with my toddler while I’m in labour as I know I would not be that way with my children. I’ve heard people struggle for labour childcare when their parents/ family are ill or live far away etc but not when we live in the same town.

A difference of opinion I guess between us but just hurts when it’s on the receiving end from your own mum.

Hmm I can see both sides on this. Taking unexpected leave might be frustrating for her to get her head around and she might actually enjoy her job and not want to ring in last minute, however great her employer is, and say she can't be in.
She might also feel if she agrees to taking the toddler it might end up being for several days and doesn't want to use all her leave for that.
Also I am not sure if I have missed how much she sees your son now. Maybe she isn't that interested in young children and maybe you just need to accept that.

What about your in laws? You haven't mentioned them and whether they can come and stay if they live further away.

This is great advice and you must be very strong in the future to stick to it.
How sad your mum can’t see how lucky she is.
Good luck with the birth and new baby x

Definitely ask some friends to help! When my second baby was due my parents kindly agreed to come and look after my first, but they live a couple of hours away. I asked a few friends in advance if they'd be happy to look after my daughter if we needed childcare in a hurry and they all said yes, so it gave me peace of mind knowing that I had the option there if needed.

@Moonnstarz Read the OP again - her husband's parents are no longer here.

Grandparents need to realise in my opinion it’s a privilege not a right to have a relationship with their grandchildren, I am so sorry you are going through this. When you are going into have your 2nd it is always such a worry to ensure your first child is being looked after well as they are your baby too. I think I would be trying to make alternative plans as you said when C-section delivery can be unpredictable. You need to mind yourself and your family now 💕

I just don’t understand people like this. It didn’t occur to me that my parents/ in laws would not help out when my 2nd and 3rd DC were born. They planned their schedule around the time of birth as it wss as important an event for them

Do you expect them to leave in the middle of work? If they both work surely you need a plan B anyway

Absolutely disgraceful from your parents, I couldn't forgive it. You shouldn't even have to ask.

Take the help from your friends and tell your parents not to bother coming to meet the baby because they are shit grandparents.

Thank god you are in the minority.

That’s so stressful. Can you ask a neighbour that you may be very good friends with? Or an aunt, other close friend?
or a babysitter that you trust?

Given they are both still working i think it is fair enough to say that they can't guarantee to have your toddler. There are nicer ways to have done it. But ultimately she isn't wrong.

Do you have a friend you cam ask? If not then she is right your dh will have to stay home with the toddler. Could you hire a doula so you aren't alone if you don't have any friends or famiky available?

My dad generally follows suit with my mums decisions, maybe they’re in full agreement I’m not sure, just always seems like what she says he does but I guess not being in their relationship you don’t truly know. I could imagine if I spoke to my dad privately he might try to push my mum to be open to having my toddler, but I also don’t want to beg & I mentally don’t want to have to prepare myself to potentially have this thrown back at me as a “favour” that was done for me.
My mum is sort of in the camp of “your kids your responsibility”. Which I do try to be mindful of in the sense of never asking them for anything & I agree he is my responsibility, not theirs but I physically cannot take my toddler to the hospital unfortunately.
I’ll definitely look into my colleagues/friends helping me out. X

Good Lord OP, I am so sorry that your parents are so determined to kick you at your most vulnerable. Do you know your neighbours or have any friends/NCT people nearby? Two sets of neighbours offered to be onhand for my eldest, and NCT friends too. I have also offered to be on standby for friends and even school parents. I think you'd be surprised how many people around you will be willing to be on standby, even if you don't know them too well.

Your mother is awful. When I went into labour early with my second, my friend took my eldest until my parents got here (from 3 hours away!)

My PILs had DD when I has my c/section with DS - they were really helpful as I was in hospital leading up to the birth too. I can’t quite remember how it all worked as it was 20+ years ago. They were retired but still I think your mum is bring v unreasonable (my own parents were dead by then).

I’m sorry OP that’s awful. I can’t believe they wouldn’t junp at the chance to help you. I understand you asking and being hurt at their refusal.

I’m the first to say you shouldn’t ‘expect’ childcare from grandparents but this is really awful!

Im so sorry they’re not more supportive!

That's awful OP. Even my dad who never had much interest in children offered to be my back up person and kept his phone on 24/7 during the last few weeks. He got a call at 4am and traveled to our house to be there when DS woke. I thanked him of course but I expected it, that's what family do. And if my sister or someone else needed me in the same situation I'd be there. I'm sorry you are not being more supported OP, it's hard to move on from this if DP misses the birth.

Jesus! your parents are dicks!

If you are in cheshire west, I will help you out!

So sorry to hear this, I’m upset for you. Your parents have shown you who they really are- are they often this cold and distant? You are their child giving birth to their grandchild and they don’t want to inconvenience themselves in any way.
Make other arrangements regarding childcare for your toddler.
I would be very very reluctant to let them around your baby or even have a relationship with them. Go low contact and focus on your little family.

That’s just plain fucking nasty! I’d have zero contact with them ever again!

Your mother is a fecking horrible b1tch @ThisLimeBee
You poor thing, I'm so sorry. I would keep her at arms length from now on and protect yourself from her.
I hope everything works out well for you and your little ones💗

I had the excact same convo with my mother when I had my second DC - I know I can never truly rely on her - she was too busy with a holiday to help

Just in case it happens, I gave birth alone. My husband had DS as we had no childcare available, no friends or family who could help. In the months leading up to the birth I was full of panic and dread but in all honestly it was fine. Even with an emergency c-section and lots of things not going to plan it was actually surprisingly normal. The midwives and nurses and anyone else involved are always so lovely and take special care when you don't have anyone with you. I promise you the thought of it is worse than the reality and all that matters afterwards is that baby is here safe.

I would never speak to them again. Sorry OP.