AIBU to ask my parents to have my child while I give birth?

[ThisLimeBee]

I am pregnant with my second child, have a 21 month toddler at home. My parents live 15 minutes away & I asked my mum if they would have my toddler when I’m giving birth.
Last week she called me and said that I should push for a c section so I can plan childcare and as I’m no good at giving birth (I had a difficult labour with a major haemorrhage however no current plans with the consultant to have a c section). I explained even with a c section I don’t think it’s as easy as having a set date as emergencies can come in closer to the time etc & I could go into labour naturally beforehand anyway.
She said regardless I should prepare to be giving birth on my own (as that’s what she had to do, although this was because her parents were in another country) and that she will have my toddler on the weekend if I give birth then, however unwilling during the week / in the night to have him. I said I wasn’t comfortable ideally being on my own & that my dh also wanted to be there for the birth. To which she said that’s tough and whatever ends up happening I’ll have to deal with & I need to relax. We also don’t have any other family around, my dh parents are not here anymore so hence my desperation I guess to confirm childcare while I’m in labour.

My mum does work full time, however has A/L days (which I know as I offered to pay her for having him if I give birth in the week if she didn’t have A/L left) & my dad works evenings / nights so is at home for majority of the day time, I appreciate if he was woken up to have my toddler, he’d be very tired however I feel like I’m not asking them to do this so I can go on a night out or holiday but to literally birth my second child where my first is not allowed to be with me.
My parents don’t provide any childcare for my toddler, I understand they don’t want to have him on the weekends / evenings & I have never asked them to & he goes to nursery for childcare when I’m working. This might contribute to them not feeling comfortable in having him, however she’s expressed they don’t want to have him on their own in their free time.

In general I don’t ask them for anything, which I know I’m not entitled to anything from them however maybe now as a parent I personally cannot comprehend the reluctance to provide support with my toddler while I’m in labour as I know I would not be that way with my children. I’ve heard people struggle for labour childcare when their parents/ family are ill or live far away etc but not when we live in the same town.

A difference of opinion I guess between us but just hurts when it’s on the receiving end from your own mum.

Your Mum sounds mean and uncaring. I went down for a week to look after my DD and elder dogs when she gave birth to her youngest ds and I left her with a freezer full of meals she could just pull out of or the following week or 2.

This makes me so sad. When I went into labour in the middle of the night, my DM came and stayed with my first born and was very hands on and loved having them overnight. I'd love to be the same with my own GC's

Re Partners present at birth. It is not natural. I did not want my partner there. While waiting to go into the delivery room I was in a room with 3 others with partners. I was being checked every 20 minutes or so and to see how far I had dilated. Also had an enema. I had to insist these men leave the room each time.Nurse thought curtains would be sufficient to protect my privacy. Giving birth should not be a spectacle. If you really need support ask your mum friend or sister

I don’t see how you can say ‘it’s not natural’ based on your experience and feelings alone. There are millions of women who would disagree with you, me included. I wouldn’t have wanted to do it without my husband and men also want to be there for the birth of THEIR child. What a ridiculous view to have

It’s not nice. You will probably have to tell her that you will find someone else because you need a firm plan. But in those specific circumstances it’s a crap response.

@Isthisthisreallife I had complications during birth of DC. DH advocated for me throughout as I was in no fit state. I would not have wanted him to miss being there for the birth of his child either. My mum lived miles away, labour was very quick and and started at 3am. No way would my DM have got there in time even if I had wanted her to be there (just wanted DH)

I suppose these days it's a bit of a lottery - relationships with family & friends can be 'all' one minute and 'nothing' the next (all or nothing) or it's about expectations not being met, overstepping, intruding, taking or being taken for granted, yes or no. Without knowing each other inside out & having conversations where both parties are totally honest with each other there's always the unspoken hanging around.

From what you've said it sounds like 'our house, your house' where everything is kept separate. I understand that mum & dad work opposite shifts, lots of couples do this. Now that DB is 18 he'll be semi -independent, but still at home. How the dynamics work at theirs isn't really anyone else's business but mum & dad might want some time to have their own life now 'the kids' are grown up - that's just an observation btw. If mum worked part time or they were both retired maybe things could be different but if they're unwilling or unable to help there might be reasons or there might have been decisions made already. I'm really sorry you're in this predicament but your little family are all that matters so put them first xx

Wow! I am sorry but that is horrible of your parents. I wish I could have another time where I could child-sit.
Unless there is a backstory here, I would make sure you remember this so when your parents get older and need help, you can return the lack of favor.

When I read these stories, it reminds me, yet again, how blessed I was to have my Mom do SO much for me when I had each of my two. I hope she knew how appreciated she was.

I'd be upset if my Son & his wife didn't ask me to have my Grandson when DIL goes in to labour & to hospital to give birth. I want them relaxed & not stressing about childcare so have offered to have him day or night & baby isn't due til the end of the year but I wanted them to know it's sorted & one less thing to worry about. Your Mum doesn't owe you anything however, I think she's being very selfish when you've asked her. Why would she not want to make things less stressful for you? Does she have history for being awkward with you?

And people wonder why some people who find themselves in care homes in later life have no visitors?