AIBU to ask my parents to have my child while I give birth?

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I am pregnant with my second child, have a 21 month toddler at home. My parents live 15 minutes away & I asked my mum if they would have my toddler when I’m giving birth.
Last week she called me and said that I should push for a c section so I can plan childcare and as I’m no good at giving birth (I had a difficult labour with a major haemorrhage however no current plans with the consultant to have a c section). I explained even with a c section I don’t think it’s as easy as having a set date as emergencies can come in closer to the time etc & I could go into labour naturally beforehand anyway.
She said regardless I should prepare to be giving birth on my own (as that’s what she had to do, although this was because her parents were in another country) and that she will have my toddler on the weekend if I give birth then, however unwilling during the week / in the night to have him. I said I wasn’t comfortable ideally being on my own & that my dh also wanted to be there for the birth. To which she said that’s tough and whatever ends up happening I’ll have to deal with & I need to relax. We also don’t have any other family around, my dh parents are not here anymore so hence my desperation I guess to confirm childcare while I’m in labour.

My mum does work full time, however has A/L days (which I know as I offered to pay her for having him if I give birth in the week if she didn’t have A/L left) & my dad works evenings / nights so is at home for majority of the day time, I appreciate if he was woken up to have my toddler, he’d be very tired however I feel like I’m not asking them to do this so I can go on a night out or holiday but to literally birth my second child where my first is not allowed to be with me.
My parents don’t provide any childcare for my toddler, I understand they don’t want to have him on the weekends / evenings & I have never asked them to & he goes to nursery for childcare when I’m working. This might contribute to them not feeling comfortable in having him, however she’s expressed they don’t want to have him on their own in their free time.

In general I don’t ask them for anything, which I know I’m not entitled to anything from them however maybe now as a parent I personally cannot comprehend the reluctance to provide support with my toddler while I’m in labour as I know I would not be that way with my children. I’ve heard people struggle for labour childcare when their parents/ family are ill or live far away etc but not when we live in the same town.

A difference of opinion I guess between us but just hurts when it’s on the receiving end from your own mum.

That’s awful I can’t imagine saying that to my daughter

Wow your mum is something else. I have a daughter and cannot imagine refusing her like this. My own mother, who's not the most maternal and I have a difficult relationship with, still travelled hours to look after my 21 month old whilst having my 2nd. I hope you find a solution.

I felt this in my soul! Your parents should start making plans for their later life care that doesn't involve you, that's for sure. Nobody is "bad at giving birth" - how callous! Your mum sounds like she's just trying to justify herself in her own head tbh.

Remember to tell her/them later on that she is just bad at getting older.

I had a very similar situation and let's just say since then, FIL (only family who could have - and initially agreed to help!) has made his own bed as far as I'm concerned. I don't bother with him any more, and he'll wonder why his grandchildren don't know him properly.

Grim. Poor OP.

Upside, you’re not there when they need care.

The advantage is that when they’re old and need care you won’t have to tie yourself in knots trying to help . No need to take AL or anything.

Other grandparents, your or your partners siblings?

I'd then ask a good friend. I'd certainly have taken a day to help out a close friend in a fix and birth is very much a one off that I feel like most of my previous employers would have been OK with (difficult now, in a school but I'd take a day unpaid for a close friend).

Oh sweetheart if I was your mother you wouldn’t be able to keep me away and of course I would look after my grandchild. I am sorry this is the response from your mother. can your husbands parents help out?
Good luck with the delivery I am sure everything will go fine this time.

I am so sorry this was your mother’s response. Heck, I’d be happy to have him while you gave birth!!!!

I am sure a friend will understand, especially if they know your mum…

Sorry i can't edit, but having read back that rasda a lot harder than I intended!

Some employers are really shitty abiut unplanned leave. My current employer is amazing but honestly I have worked for some absolutely awful places. Could it be that this is having an impact on your mum?

I am on the derbyshire/notts/south Yorkshire border...if you are local I am dbs checked and happy to try and help if I can

They are cold. I'm sorry OP. YANBU at all.

DD1 went to neighbours as DM and PIL were hour and a half away. Have you got any neighbours who may be willing

Good luck

So sorry, OP, this is almost unbelievably cold. It's not just the refusal to help, but the fact she is trying to push you to have major surgery that you don't need, to avoid any inconvenience to her. Actually shocking.

In general I don’t ask them for anything, which I know I’m not entitled to anything from them

Do they ever ask for anything from you? Because if they do you know your answer.

And if they want support when they're older - we'll, you'll be working ft by then. Won't you.

My mum has always been maybe on the harsher side, she said before if she could go back / live again she wouldn’t have children. I mean, I’m sure there’s people out there who do feel the same, however especially now being a parent myself I can’t imagine saying that to my own child.
They’re always very loving towards my toddler when they see him, although my mum can be critical of him for example when he has a tantrum and throws himself on the floor, she says that her children never behaved like that - maybe I’m in denial but I feel like it’s typical toddler behaviour! They’ll come / we will go over a couple weekends a month, usually if they come over it’s for an hour max, but I appreciate with them working in the week they also want to relax on the weekends etc so I never push for more but I do always try to initiate us seeing each other x

Your mum is awful. I would help a neighbour in this situation- let alone my own daughter! If she can’t help you in need, she doesn’t deserve any of the nice bits of being a grandparent. I’d be keeping her at a distance for as long as you can after the birth of your second.

OP, I didn't want to read and run. This is appalling and I feel so sorry your parents are being so uncaring. I'm in the same boat as you, as in close to my due date and planning what to do for childcare with my first. My parents live abroad and my mum is willing to jump on a plane a few days before to help out. I'm sure she's not in the minority. For goodness sake, it's a once in a lifetime thing, it's not regular childcare you're asking for! If you ask, there's loads of people around you who would be willing to help you on the day, I've no doubt.

Bloody hell, that's so far from normal it's unreal. I'm so sorry your parents are like this.

Sometimes there is a genuine reason for a grandparent to say no, but this doesn't sound like it. I'd bend over backwards to help someone in this situation and wouldn't need to know them that well. I hope you can find someone and I'd be in no hurry to visit with the new child, but maybe she wouldn't care anyway.

I think you should really distance yourself from them, they sound utterly heartless and unpleasant. I find it really sad that your mum doesn't want to help you because she didn't get help herself. Surely as a parent you want your child's life to be easier? Hope your friends and colleagues can help you out.

I’m so sorry, she sounds absolutely awful. I ended up having an emergency section and was quite unwell, my mum ended up staying with my 20 month old DD for 3 nights/ 4 whole days - and she still worked full time so had to use annual leave - she had told them in advance that she might need to be off at short notice. I hope you can find a friend or colleague who can help. Making me give birth alone would be unforgivable for me!

No siblings for my husband and his parents are no longer here, I have a brother who’s a teenager, he lives at home with my parents. I’m so grateful that even my colleagues and boss offered to come and be with him, it just hurts that they are willing to help where I guess the people closest to me aren’t really x

Are you an only child ?

I'd ask a friend but it's really not uncommon for the dad to have the spare kid (I'm an obs anaesthetist) we will totally look after you if you went to theatre. Tbh most male partners are way more of a hindrance than a help. Always much prefer female birth partners as they don't default to the patronising "its OK baby, there there baby on repeat"

That is grim. Find another solution and withdraw any help you give your parents.

Thank you everyone for your comments, I think I’m going to have to take up my friends / colleagues really kind offers of help. And I really appreciate anyone here offering help, unfortunately I’m not local to any of those areas however really shows how kind people are. I think ultimately I wanted some kind of reassurance when the time comes I can rely on my parents as physically it wouldn’t be logistically difficult to have my toddler (with having A/L, employers flexible) of course it’s not ideal but it’s a one off I’m not going to be giving birth every other week and asking them for help. It’s just proved to be mentally difficult for them to have him, but I need to try to move forward from that emotionally myself & keep it in mind.