Husband threatening divorce over a holiday.

[KiggiCalli]

I would like to take my daughter to Africa on holiday. For context, I am Black British and my husband is white. He does not like long-haul flights and is refusing to agree to the trip. His view is that because I visited South Africa four years ago, there is no need for us to travel to Africa again, and that we should choose a closer destination such as Europe instead.
My daughter, who is of mixed African heritage, has never been to Africa and is devastated that she is not being allowed to go.

My husband is threatening to divorce me, should I go ahead and book the holiday?

I think there's a lot of extraneous and incorrect information in the original post. You or your daughter don't have a cultural connection to where you want to go, and your husband will do long haul when it suits him. It can all boil down to "I want to go to e.g. Kenya for a holiday, my husband wants to go to Vietnam. He's threatened to divorce me if we don't go where he wants". In which case he's obvioously being unreasonable.

“My daughter, who is of mixed African heritage, has never been to Africa”

What?!

Her daughter has her whole life to go to Europe.

if it was to visit family I’d say he’s being unreasonable. If it’s just a country you’d like to visit and he doesn’t then perhaps find one the three of you want to go to? Divorce over a holiday is a bit mad though!

I do wish you would say where in Africa. Is he concerned that the location is not entirely as safe as you believe it to be ?
The divorce thing seems very silly.
When you went to South Africa four years ago you clearly did not take your daughter ?

Further to the post above, @KiggiCalli please read the chapter called King of the Castle.

Are you from Rwanda @KiggiCalli guessing from username.

I'd also guess Rwanda from your user name @KiggiCalli

Does your husband believe it isn't a safe place to visit?

Regardless, he shouldn't be threatening a divorce over this issue.

How's the rest of your marriage?

I'm on the fence here. My husband and I decide together where we were going to go as it's a big expense - I wouldn't be happy to be railroaded into going somewhere I didn't want to go...Is it specifically to visit the country of your daughter's heritage? In which case, I can understand why you would want to, and I'd be a bit confused as to why your husband doesn't want to help her understand her heritage more. If it's a random African country, then it's a big continent and it feels like you're using your African heritage to get the holiday you want - a bit like me saying I MUST go to Italy as my child is white European!

It depends entirely on where in Africa you want to go.

South Africa/namibia that part of the world, there are legitimate concerns over crime but doable. DRC, would be a definite no for me too.

Also, if e.g. this was a man wanting to take his DC to e.g. some Middle Eastern country there would be plenty of posters concerned that he didn’t intend to bring them back and OP would be urged to be cautious.

I would just go with your daughter. My eldest child (18) is mixed and from the age of 5 her dad has taken her every 2 years to Africa to visit family. As it stands now she has a great appreciation for both her African and Scottish heritage. Her dad is currently residing in the UK but has said once his kids (1 with me 3 with his wife) have grown and graduated he will be returning to Africa to live out the rest of his life and the fact my child is able to comfortably travel between here and there is a great thing as it means she will be able to move freely between both countries.

Divorcing over a holiday seems a bit extreme, although I know someone who separated because of a sunlounger incident in Benidorm and a divorce and subsequent protracted custody battle due to chronic flatulence during an important moment during the King’s speech.

She’s British.

Everyone - is the OP allowed to take a child abroad without the other parent’s permission? I thought that was illegal

Of course you should take DD to Africa. I went with my parents as a bit of a trip of a lifetime, I'm not sure I really appreciated it at the time but have amazing memories.

What is wrong with your DH??

OP says shes never been

I'm sure you can take a child out of the country for up to a month if you have parental rights. As long as you take a copy of birth certificate to prove this. My daughter visited Africa with her uncle (her dad had already travelled and this was the easiest way and i had provided a notarised letter) and they only contacted me when she was on her way back into the UK whilst I was waiting at the airport to pick her up.

@DragonsFurry your logic is flawed. Just because you liked it there, doesn’t mean your dh has to. I went to Florida on “a trip of a lifetime” and I didn’t really enjoy it (picked up a virus on a flight, it was then to hot and overpriced and the food was ghastly, I barely ate for a fortnight !)

Is he serious?! Of course he's being unreasonable. If he doesn't like long flights, he can choose not to go, or he can suck it up for the sake of enjoying a family holiday, whichever is most important to him. His wants don't trump yours and your child's. (If it was something like, you could only afford one holiday a year, and he got terribly travel sick and would be vomiting the entire flight, I could see wanting to compromise. But if it's really just as simple as he doesn't want to, you should book the trip for you and your daughter.)

I travel alone with my DC sometimes and have been questioned/needed to provide a letter of permission to travel in a few countries on arrival. My guess is that theoretically OP’s husband could stop her from taking the DD out of the country by alerting authorities.

Another one asking which country? Does it involve vaccinations that can be fairly costly? When I went to Rwanda and Uganda I spent a lot on yellow fever and rabies vaxxes plus malaria tablets. Like is that what your DH is maybe opposing?

Actually that’s a point. Many African countries are particularly strict about child trafficking prevention and might ask for documents like birth certificate and potentially a letter from the non travelling parent, so if he won’t agree it could be a practical issue.

I have a feeling there is more to this story. Either he is extremely manipulative or you are. We are only getting your side of the story. It sounds a reasonable request from the outset, but if you read between the lines you can understand why he might be upset. Yes, much nicer to holiday together. However, if he can’t stand long haul or that’s the reason he’s giving - it kind of depends on where in Africa you intend on going. Who is paying? Could you say ‘ I want our daughter to experience my culture ‘ but I’m happy to pay for a holiday for us all another time. It’s kind of understandable he might be a bit miffed if he thought that was the plan. Have you just sprung this on him? Or if he really is scared of long haul flights and that’s the only reason, maybe reassessing your relationship might be a good idea.

you are being unreasonable to expect your husband to go somewhere he doesn’t want to go.

He is being unreasonable to threaten to end the marriage if you go alone with your daughter.

What are his objections?

And in insisting on Africa, does this mean he won’t have a family holiday?

I think it really depends on which country.

I have a Nigerian friend who took a work trip to the North, turned around and came back, she was so afraid for her safety.

Does it have to be South Africa, North Africa is only 3hours away

Without hyperbole, if my partner tried to stop me visiting South Africa I would not be able to resolve that conflict in the relationship.