Husband threatening divorce over a holiday.

[KiggiCalli]

I would like to take my daughter to Africa on holiday. For context, I am Black British and my husband is white. He does not like long-haul flights and is refusing to agree to the trip. His view is that because I visited South Africa four years ago, there is no need for us to travel to Africa again, and that we should choose a closer destination such as Europe instead.
My daughter, who is of mixed African heritage, has never been to Africa and is devastated that she is not being allowed to go.

My husband is threatening to divorce me, should I go ahead and book the holiday?

There is obviously more to it than what you've posted. Where in Africa do you want to go, for how long and when.

If it was for a month in term time in a dangerous part of the continent, he would have a very good point.

Where in Africa do you want to take your daughter OP what exactly is your heritage?

Because if its a part of Africa where FGM is prevalent I wouldn't be happy with a 13 year old girl being taken there either....

And tbh i wouldnt take a child to South Africa due to how dangerous it is.

This whole post depends massively on the part of Africa you want to take your child to, some parts can be really quite dangerous, others not so much.

Book the holiday and divorce him. He sounds like a racist twat.

There are many horrible right-wing men who marry women from ethnic backgrounds yet refuse to visit their home countries or familiarise themselves with the culture. It comes down to power. They are deeply racist but want full domination and control over their partner. Not liking long-haul flights is a pathetic excuse if you're the father of a mixed race child.

Well you do need his permission to go and a holiday is something that should be agreed together. If you try to go against him then I can understand the divorce element.

What are his concerns? Financial/ health and safety/ not thinking it would be enjoyable…?

I think you should both be able to put forward to the other with no interruptions your cases - why you want to go and why he doesn’t.

"it's one of the most dangerous countries on earth - particularly if you're white". No it is not, black and coloured people in SA are at much greater risk of violence. That statement smacks very much of the racist "white genocide" nonsense that Elon Musk likes to spout. Don't do that.

To the OP's point, I wanted to take my son to SA over Xmas to see his grandparents and to visit the country for the first time. DH did not want to go (he used to be South African but has an antipathy towards the country, for complicated psychological reasons which I am not going to go into now). I booked the tickets and went with my son. We had a great time. If he had told me he was going to divorce me I would have told him to get lost.

It depends entirely where you intend on travelling and pay attention to your foreign office’s cautions and with consideration to any virus outbreaks.

I remember reading about a woman who took a trip to Africa (she was black - of African descent - but either British or American). She said it was so dangerous and she would never go again.

I’ve known women who have moved to my country from South Africa and Zimbabwe and some of the violence they described was utterly horrific. Think of the worst things that could happen to a person. I won’t detail it here as it is not appropriate. There are two women who had family members violently murdered (in both cases it was their father’s) and another woman who knew a teenager who was murdered.

A friend’s boyfriend grew up in South Africa and he described how their house had metal gates inside the house protecting some of the bedrooms in the very likely case of home invasions. Basically, they would barricade themselves inside their bedrooms inside an already locked house at night and this house was already in a gated community.

My friend visited on holiday about 10+ years ago and she was fine. But from the sounds of it they didn’t travel much - just stayed at his parent’s house.

A relative of mine travelled around South Africa but he was fine as his friends were very wealthy. Another relative lived in Tanzania and it was so beautiful - but they were in an employer supplied luxury home/compound.

I can’t comment on whether or not your husband is being unreasonable. However, if he did commence divorce proceedings he could seek an order that your child not leave the country. This would prevent you from visiting any country without either his permission or an order from a Family Court judge allowing your travel.

She’s a good age for an adventurous trip. Will only be a few more years and she may not be interested in spending that time with you. I’d do it and he can do his own thing.
Where do you want to go? I’d pick Ethiopia for a trip like this.

PS OP: Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you and your son are at particular risk as visitors to SA because of skin colour. If you are sensible as tourists you will be absolutely fine. That stats I was mentioning were for the local people, not tourists.

But if you have already been to SA then how about Tanzania or Kenya, for example. The wildlife is amazing. And Botswana is one of the best places I have ever been in my life.

@KiggiCalli If he's threatening divorce over this, then the marriage must be rotten anyway. Unless there's more to it.

You're with the husband in threatening a divorce because you don't want them to go on a holiday outside of Europe? What part of that sounds reasonable?

So you went to South Africa 4 years ago, your daughter has never been, you want to go somewhere in Africa because your daughter has mixed African heritage. Why didn't you take her then? I feel there is more going on here than is being said. Where exactly were you planning on going? Is it just that it's long haul?

He should understand and respect how important it is to you and your shared daughter. He should want to be part of it because it means so much to you.

It awful he wants to prevent you from going.

Why do you assume that the child is not his?

What are his reasons for not wanting to go himself? And, by extension, DD

Go on the trip before you're divorced and he can stop you (joking not joking)!

There's is definitely more to this story.

I was just sitting here thinking I’d LOVE to go to Ethiopia!

Africa isn’t a country. OP and her husband visited South Africa four years ago, she hasn’t said that’s where she wants to go this time.

Furthermore, while South Africa does have generally high levels of crime, white tourists aren’t systematically targeted for being white and millions of tourists travel to South Africa without incident every year. The wine regions, Cape Town, safari lodges and the garden route are all thriving tourist destinations.

Crime in South Africa is geographically very uneven, and the people who are substantially more likely to be victims of crime than white tourists are South Africans living in certain townships or unsafe areas in cities. South African crime is overwhelmingly driven by poverty, inequality, gangs and organised crime, so this narrative of white tourists being particularly unsafe doesn’t hold water. If you stick to known tourist areas, you’re very unlikely to experience difficulties.

Is this a case that is your family annual holiday and you would like it to be Aftica but he doesn’t like flying long haul which South Africa would be?
Could you do a family holiday short haul and also the trip to Africa for just you and your daughter? Or do funds not stretch to that?
Whats the reason for the no long haul flights? Cost? Boredom? I mean, most people find them expensive and boring.

@faithfultoGeorgeMichael

OP said Sorry forgot to add it is our daughter together.

OP are there other examples of him being controlling and threatening or is this a one-off?

This is the kind of thing where you book it and don’t give him an option to prevent you from going. Don’t tell him you’ve booked or he might cancel your daughter’s passport or something silly. Also make sure you know where her passport is, and keep it somewhere safe where he can’t hide it from you.

He can’t prevent you from going on holiday with your daughter. So just take her, and only tell them you’re going on the day of the flight.

He sounds abusive and controlling. How dare he prevent his mixed race child from accessing her culture.

I always hear such lovely lovely things about Botswana.

A random friend of yours went to an unspecified location in Africa and said it was dangerous 🙄 Does that rule out a whole continent?

I’m pretty sure the OP will be doing some research before deciding where to go…

Botswana is magic. The Okavango delta is one of the most astonishing places on earth.