Husband threatening divorce over a holiday.

[KiggiCalli]

I would like to take my daughter to Africa on holiday. For context, I am Black British and my husband is white. He does not like long-haul flights and is refusing to agree to the trip. His view is that because I visited South Africa four years ago, there is no need for us to travel to Africa again, and that we should choose a closer destination such as Europe instead.
My daughter, who is of mixed African heritage, has never been to Africa and is devastated that she is not being allowed to go.

My husband is threatening to divorce me, should I go ahead and book the holiday?

This is one of those things that depeds on where and when and how long and how much.

So if it's a once off trip, and you'll still be doing loads of family holidays/family time, and it doesn't impact the family finances too much and it's not too long, he's being ridiculous. I think it's wonderful for children to have time with just one parent doign things like this. DD and I had a lovely 5 day trip last year. DH has taken both kids at different times for weekends away camping/sports gigs etc. They are amazing memories.

If, on the other hand, this kills the budget for any sort of family trip or you plan to be gone for a month or if you want to take 2 weeks every year for a trip with just you and her, then I would have more sympathy for him.

Also, it's all very well saying that families should holiday together, but if one member of the family has veto power on all trips and regularly uses it beause he only has a very limited type of trip that he's willing to do.... then I'm afraid the "we should holiday as a family" argument starts to fall down somewhat.

Can you give more context, like where have you all been on holiday in the last 10 years?

It reads like it's possible that the last holiday anyone had was you and that was 4 years ago, and so its possible to infer that he wouldn't be happy with you having the holiday budget and unilaterally deciding how it's spent.

What is his specific issue with the trip? North Africa isn’t very long haul, for example.

Africa is a huge continent. It would depend where the holiday is going to be. I mean if he says you’ve been to Africa relatively recently, you can counter with well you have been to mainland Europe recently (assuming you have!).

Have you got relatives in the location that you plan to go to, and are they relatives that your DH has an issue with?

I don’t really understand the specifics.

God, there are so many racists on this thread. @KiggiCalli post over in Black MN, sis, for better perspectives. And your husband is being controlling.

Well, divorce it is then!!!
No way should he be dictating whether your dd can/should explore the other half of her heritage.

I think your husband is being very unreasonable. This is a great time in your daughter's life to connect with her African ancestry and culture, and I'm sorry he can't relate to that. Though I am assuming that you're wanting to visit your home/ancestral country.

I mean…whereabouts in Africa are you planning to go? How long for and why doesn’t your DH want to go? A trip to Morocco for example would be a similar price/distance to a trip
to a European country like Malta. It seems unreasonable to veto an entire continent. The other significant thing is: What is your/your daughter’s relationship to the country you want to visit in terms of heritage? My DD visits her grandparents’ home country at least once per year to stay in touch with the culture and her heritage. But she is a citizen and has direct descendency from the country in question. It is one thing to visit Kenya as a 2nd/3rd generation, with family members you can visit and so on. It is another to visit and claim a vague ‘African’ heritage on the basis of being Black…much as my great great grandparents on my mother’s mother’s were from Turkey but it seems a little ridiculous for me to claim a genuine Turkish connection on the basis of people who lived there over 120 years ago - maybe he feels you are being a bit weird about your DD’s ‘Africa’ connection? But divorce is a little OTT over a holiday destination.

On the face of it, hes being a controling bell end, but we need more details. What are his reasons?

I would tell him that you are going, with or without him for a holiday and to show your daughter some of her heritage and turn give him 24/48hrs to make his mind up what he's doing.

He's had enough time to think it over already, this is just finalising it.

Book the holiday. I take my dc on holiday all the time without Dh. He wanted a dog. He got a dog. She is lovely but she can’t come on non UK holidays and he won’t figure out another solution, so he doesn’t come. Simples. It’s perfectly normal to take holidays individually especially if one of you can’t or doesn’t like to travel or you have children with specific interests. Dh took dd away to Europe for 2 weeks on a climbing holiday that I had no interest in. They had a great time (I chilled with the dog).

Your dd deserves to experience her cultural heritage and see the world. I’d absolutely go without him assuming you can afford it. He’s being a turd. Make sure you have both your passports safe.

Someone who is actually willing to divorce over a holiday is someone who doesn't want to be married in the first place. Using divorce as a false threat and leverage to get you to give in to a demand is manipulative and abusive.

He's an adult so surely he can just stay at home then can't he if he doesn't want to travel? Being married or in a relationship doesn't mean that every single moment must be spent all together. If he has a problem with that and is still going on about divorce if you try and proceed then you have much bigger problems.

Because women shouldnt be allowed to spend their own money and go where they want unless a man has approved it?!

Thanks for the replies. To put it more into context without being too outing. I'm very much Black British there is no question of me running off with my 13 year child!
I want to visit a very safe African country that I have no heritage too whatsoever, and would be happy if he came along but he is making every excuse not too, he did however mention wanting to go to Vietnam which is a similar amount of time on the plane.

I agree with the majority of posters that his behaviour is controlling over this matter.

Why would you assume it is not his daughter 🙄

DH and I are African, we grew up there, immigrated in our 20s. Now late 30s and early 40s and we’ve not taken our children back to our home country mainly due to how expensive it all is. Most of our family have also migrated to different countries and it’s been cheaper to bring like a parent to visit us for example than book a school holiday trip for a family of 5. When we all eventually go, it’ll be a visit to see family, their heritage, etc but I can’t say it’s a family holiday because a visit home can’t be classed as a holiday

Why doesn't he want to go?
What is his objection to you and DD going??

Is it purely because he wants a different holiday destination and thinks his word should be law? He sounds rather controlling.

^This

You could ask HQ to move the thread but I suspect a fresh question would work better. You will have more chance of being seen by women in similar mixed marriages and slightly less lectures on how the whole of Africa is uniformly Bad and Dangerous.

I think the response of “divorce if you go” sounds very unhealthy.

So it's not a country where you can say it's your home country with your heritage? You want a holiday, he doesn't fancy the destination.
Is there any other reason he might not want to go there, considering he would go to Vietnam?

It doesn’t seem like he has a valid reason for the long haul flight excuse then as Vietnam is also long haul.
it doesn’t seem like he’s willing to have a conversation and discuss this at all with you. But is threatening divorce. Definately using the threat of divorce to get his own way.

How could the daughter have visited South Africa 4 years ago? You actually quoted the OP saying that the daughter has never been to Africa!

Surely there’s more to this op, are you both generally happy or do you both argue and this is endgame? Do you both share money or have your own account? Is it prohibitively expensive (it sounds a bit holiday of a lifetime)

Go with your daughter and leave him behind. If he won’t agree to that then that seems rather controlling.

I don’t see that you can have a marriage of love and mutual respect with his brinkmanship. It seems obvious to me that your daughter should experience this important part of her heritage.