Husband threatening divorce over a holiday.

[KiggiCalli]

I would like to take my daughter to Africa on holiday. For context, I am Black British and my husband is white. He does not like long-haul flights and is refusing to agree to the trip. His view is that because I visited South Africa four years ago, there is no need for us to travel to Africa again, and that we should choose a closer destination such as Europe instead.
My daughter, who is of mixed African heritage, has never been to Africa and is devastated that she is not being allowed to go.

My husband is threatening to divorce me, should I go ahead and book the holiday?

You're right, I'm out of date. Google:

Based on the 2021 Census data, approximately 1% of the total UK population (roughly 628,000 people) identifies as having Caribbean heritage. While they form a significant portion of the Black British community, they are now outnumbered by those with African heritage (around 1.6% of the total population)

It also says the Windrush generation concentrated in Birmingham, Croydon, and Lewisham. I grew up in one of those places and moved to another, so I'm excusing myself! The numbers above don't seem to be limited to British-born, though it would only take one generation to make it so.

This still leaves roughly half a million Brits having African descent via the Caribbean - which is why people keep mentioning it 😎

But it’s not relevant as OP has clearly stated her heritage is from an African country. Not one Caribbean country is in Africa.

So the fact people are mentioning it is weird.

I don't believe OP said that. Never mind. The discussion's been had, some points made, and we have no idea how OP's planning to handle her dilemma.
(I still say ditch the H!)

Call his bluff. I'd say to him 'well if you want a divorce fine, should I file or you? As I don't think I want to be married to a controller who uses manipulation to control and get his way.'

Definitely more to this story than the Op is letting on.

I'm South African - you may already know this, but Botswana is a nice and safe country to go to. Johannesburg, where I live, is wonderful, vibrant, and cosmopolitan, but you'll really need to take safety precautions (I'm sure I don't need to explain about the crime here!)

I'm sorry your husband sounds controlling and stubborn. Maybe agree to the Vietnam trip for now, and then wait, and then suggest Africa sometime in the future.

They call people like him killjoys. Also a dog in a manger. I would just say selfish twat.
A great writer once pointed out that “The great mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation”.
I think that applies more to women.
Can you live without him, the selfish prick?

Botswana is high, high, high on the list of places I want to travel to!

There are many parts of it that make zero sense to me.

And OP has decided to not return so….

@hoxtonbabe Are you 13 years old? Because if not, my post does not relate to you.

I think you are both being unreasonable. Why can’t you find a compromise, Vietnam is very beautiful and you have been to Africa not long ago. It’s not like you are wanting to take your daughter to visit her family….
To divorce over holiday destinations sounds incredibly immature of the both of you.

I’d tell him that the divorce sounds reasonable given that he’s using it to control you. It’s ok if he does by want to go, but threatening you to control you with divorce is low. Right now it’s this holiday - then what ? I would call his bluff.

Haven't read the whole thread but having gotten back from Kenya (Diani / Galu) this morning having had the most wonderful time i'm dipping my oar in. I can so see if you were black / mixed race what a special place it would be to go to. To be in a majority black spaces, surrounded by black families, relaxing and enjoying themselves by the sea would be next level experience.

Don't fully understand why husband has had such an extreme reaction, very odd. What's he worried about?

Just because you’re married it does not mean you have to do everything together. You are still two separate people with your own likes and dislikes. If he doesn’t want to go because he doesn’t like long haul flights I would be supportive of that issue for him and just say ok, that’s is fine you don’t have to go but I want to go with our child so she can get to know her heritage and have the holiday. You’re welcome but don’t feel pressured into going
. then the ball is in his court and he can make the decision he is comfortable with and not say he was forced or pressured into it and end up miserable on the holiday anyway
if he is that petty that he wants to divorce seriously over you going then you’re lucky to get rid of him as he should not be stopping you doing anything you’re wanting to do- especially when it doesn’t impact him negatively at all

I think you need to sit down and have a reasonable discussion about this. He clearly feels very strongly about this and it sounds like there’s something at the root of it. You’ve been married a long time, it worth having one conversation where you listen to each other.

I've not seen the term coloured since the 90's and found it very jarring to read. You might want to brush up on how to reference people that are mixed heritage or black. Coloured aint it......

Being British caribbean a lot of us feel a deep cultural connection with Africa, after all our families were stolen from there and forced into slavery so there's going to be some part of history and lineage that's unknown but ours anyway. I want to see where my ancestors came from from. We shouldn't have to justify that. It's weird to me that people keep saying she doesnt come from Africa, well she's a displaced African by desent let's not ignore slavery.

My concern is your husband doesnt want your Dd making any sort of cultural connection to Africa and in part wants to deny her blackness. Thats the conversation. If he's happy to go to Vietnam long haul which is the same distance then it's the country and what that represents to you and your DD that he's wanting to avoid.

Have you suggested visiting the Caribbean and seeing what his reaction is?

As I understood it the OP is African, but wants to visit a country other than the one she is from.

What are he thoughts against africa. Tbh it isn't very politically stable and the world is a bit of a mess. If it is really just because he doesnt fancy it he should just bow out. I dont think we have all the info.

You being black and your husband being white is a bit of a red herring and not really relevant, because you’re not proposing visiting the country your ancestors are from, so heritage and personal culture don’t come into this discussion. It’s ultimately a debate about holiday destinations.

It’s a bit like if your husband used being white British as a justification for wanting to go to Italy, I think we’d all roll our eyes and think that was a weird justification. Like Europe, Africa is not a monolithic continent, it contains a wide range of cultures and societies.

I agree with others it’s immature of your husband to threaten to divorce, but this boils down to you needing to agree a holiday destination and shouldn’t really be such a drama.

Did you tell your daughter you were taking her to Africa before you had agreed it with your DH? So she is now disappointed that your DH doesn't want to go or for the two of you to go. That sounds a bit like controlling too. Is he worried about a woman and a girl travelling to Africa alone? There are certainly places that are dangerous, would you be going on a guided tour with other people or solo travelling? Or going to relatives?

Threatening divorce sounds a bit OTT, but some things are two yesses or one no in joint decisions between partners and I'm not sure he is being particularly unreasonable. Could you wait until your DD is a bit older and more able to look after herself?

I travelled quite a bit for work usually with colleagues and there were certainly times I was glad there were men in the party, in some third world countries, women are not always treated with respect. Obviously this wouldn't apply if you know the country well and are with relatives there.

this cannot be a genuine post
someone is claiming a divorce will occur because a married couple cannot agree on a holiday. Come off it.

Is he a secret Reform voter, OP?

Do the trip. He is welcome to go on the holiday too. And if he is threatening divorce over going to South Africa once every 4 years then he will divorce you over something else anyway. Sounds like you should consider divorce yourself!

This makes zero sense. If his biggest objection to you going on the trip without him is that he “believes families should travel together” then why does he think that permanently breaking up your family is a serious option that he would be willing to see through?

This is not about a holiday. At best he is a stupid drama queen, at worst a horrible controlling man. You need marriage counselling not a travel agent.