Husband threatening divorce over a holiday.

[KiggiCalli]

I would like to take my daughter to Africa on holiday. For context, I am Black British and my husband is white. He does not like long-haul flights and is refusing to agree to the trip. His view is that because I visited South Africa four years ago, there is no need for us to travel to Africa again, and that we should choose a closer destination such as Europe instead.
My daughter, who is of mixed African heritage, has never been to Africa and is devastated that she is not being allowed to go.

My husband is threatening to divorce me, should I go ahead and book the holiday?

Look into the freedom programme or hope2recovery.

Is he worried that you wouldn’t bring her back to UK?

Perhaps you should accept his offer of divorce. At best he’s controlling and abusive.

OP is British, on what basis would she not be coming back at the end of her holiday?!

"... His view is that because I visited South Africa four years ago, there is no need for us to travel to Africa again... "

"... My daughter, who is of mixed African heritage, has never been to Africa and is devastated that she is not being allowed to go..."

Did your daughter (13 now, nine four years ago) visit South Africa with you four years ago?

And further to this point, that creating a child with someone whilst being unwilling to foster connection to both sides of that child's culture, heritage and ethnicity never mind to then threaten divorce over the other parent's attempts to maintain such, is frankly abusive behaviour!

@KiggiCalli Are you from Africa or do you just have origins? I mean many Americans claim to be Irish because they have origins there and want to go and visit. If it's not a specific country you can just visit Tunisia that's not far away and not expensive and it's Africa.

If you can afford it then he is just being controlling. He can either come or tell you to have a great time he doesn't get to veto (or make threats) unless finances are tight and going means you cannot afford a family holiday. That said, 4 years is a long time especially if you are going to see family (which isn't clear from your OP) and so even if you couldn't afford to spend as much on a family holiday this year it still isn't unreasonable for you to want to go and then to do something a bit cheaper as a family, especially if he has the option to come with you. The cost of his flight will cover a short UK break.

YANBU.

What are his reasons for not wanting to go?

does he see your side of the argument at all?

Just book it for you and DD.

Let him file for divorce. I am quite sure you will be much happier without him.

Well - not really.

”I would like to take my daughter to Africa on holiday…..He does not like long-haul flights……His view is that because I visited South Africa four years ago, there is no need for us to travel to Africa again, and that we should choose a closer destination such as Europe instead.
My daughter, who is of mixed African heritage, has never been to Africa…”

OP went to South Africa four years ago and now is proposing a holiday to Africa, which is a large continent. Parts of Africa are extremely close to parts of Europe, and other parts of Africa are very far to travel to from the UK.

And you left your caps lock on.

Just saw your follow up post that you’re happy paying for this trip and happy to go without him.

In that case, it doesn’t even matter if the trip is to Africa or anywhere else, it’s entirely unreasonable for him to say ‘I don’t like to fly long haul therefore no-one in the family can ever fly long haul’.

I’d recommend couples therapy, whatever you decide re the holiday. Your DH needs to unpack why he feels he needs to try to control things, and what is making him overreact. Whatever happens, it’s important for your daughter to realise that saying ‘my way or the highway’ isn’t what good husbands do.

Your daughter has her whole life to go to Africa. I’m with your husband.

Is he concerned about the crime?

Sounds like you both are absolutely determined to get your own way.

how have you resolved disagreements in the past

Her post said literally nothing about affordability so I don't see why you're going there and potentially "seeing his point"

If this was a man wanting to take child on his own, there might be warnings of him not returning them back

That's ridiculous, families don't have to always holiday together.

You're not one homogeneous lump, everyone will have different preferences and that's completely okay and normal.

Why should you and your daughter miss out because he doesn't want to go?

Complete red flag that he sees you all as not separate from himself (narcissistic) or that you are all his property.

Problem is, will he need to approve your DD leaving the country if you divorce?

What a weird view. So he gets to decide that other human beings don’t get the holiday they want because he doesn’t want to go. Genuinely why do you think that’s normal?

He is being very controlling and I would be upset if my husband threatened me with divorce over such a matter. You have every right to want to visit your home country and especially given your daughter the opportunity to visit and it's not like you're inspiring you of there every year, your last visit was 4 years ago.

You need to firstly address the divorce issue, that is insulting, controlling and wrong and should not be tolerated. That's how couples resolve conflict.

Secondly he is free to organize a second family holiday and stay home when you go to SA with your daughter especially given you plan to pay for the trip yourself anyway.

I should imagine one of his reasons would be it's one of the most dangerous countries on earth - particularly if you're white.

If that's his only reason it's a good one.

OP said her DD has never been to Africa.

But OP hasn’t said she wants to go to South Africa again - she said she went there four years ago but wants to go to Africa for a holiday but hasn’t specified where.

You can go wherever you like with your daughter if you’re paying. Maybe you could have another holiday all together? However him threatening divorce sounds frankly pathetic!

Your DH is secretly worried you will go and never come back from The Beloved Country.